Relationships: Sexuality, Part 2

Warning:  This post contains content appropriate for older teens and adults.  If you are offended or easily embarrassed by frank talk about human sexuality, STOP reading immediately.  No, I mean it.  I have lots of other posts, browse on the right and find something else to read.  Otherwise, kick your underage kid out of the room and read on.

In my last post, I addressed ways in which we are failing our teenagers when it comes to sex.  This time, I want to talk about a very specific way in which we are failing our adults: Feminine sexuality.

I can remember being taught from a young age that girls and women give sex to get love; boys and men give love to get sex.  When I was older, I began to read and hear messages such as “Women are like crock pots, men are like microwaves” when it comes to sex.  I heard countless messages from Christians (nearly all male) who spoke only about how women should not “reward” or “punish” their husbands by giving or withholding sex.  Almost every sermon about sex I have ever heard dwells on the male aspect of the relationship in one way or another.  This includes strange statements such as how men who look at pornography are on a slippery slope to becoming rapists and gay men are on a slippery slope toward other “unnatural” sex acts.  On top of that, I have even heard women blamed for all sorts of things in relation to male sexuality: Women should dress modestly or it will drive men to rape them, women should make sure they are keeping their men satisfied or they will stray, overbearing mothers are responsible for their sons “turning gay.”

What I find interesting (and disturbing) is that the reverse never applies to men.  I have been told repeatedly that this is because men are “visual” and women are “emotional.”  The problem I have with this is that it perpetuates the myth that women have no real sexuality of their own.  Outside of their men, women are not inherently sexual beings.  A woman who is dressed “provocatively” is trying to “tease” or lead on the men.  A man who exudes sexuality is masculine, powerful, and confident.  A woman who is comfortable with her sexuality is out of control; a man who is comfortable with his is in control.

Another place in which this can be seen is the way the church virtually ignores lesbians.  Gay men get a lot of press.  I have the sense that a lot of people think that lesbians are either just experimenting but are secretly straight, or else they can be “cured” by finding the right man.  In both cases, the fixation is once again on men.

I think it is time for women to reclaim their sexuality.  We women need to first admit to ourselves that not only are we capable of enjoying sex, but we actively want it and are willing to act on that fact.  We need to stop believing that everything is directed by and centered on men.  We need to be willing to confidently wear the clothes that make us feel good about ourselves.  We also need to acknowledge that there are just as many ways for us to sin sexually as there are for men.  Part of taking back our sexuality includes taking responsibility for our actions.

Only when we stop assuming male privilege in our relationships will both men and women be truly free to appreciate and enjoy physical intimacy.  Even if you, as a woman, believe you have achieved this in your relationship, ask yourself these tow questions:

1. How much of your time in the bedroom is spent focused on your partner’s desires (what you re wearing, what you are doing) compared to your own?

2. Do you have any idea what you enjoy and how to ask your partner to give that to you?

Being honest with both those questions is a good step towards understanding, appreciating, and expressing your own sexuality in a healthy way.