I was at my son’s school today and picked up a few packets of parent information. Most of it was the typical stuff, a couple of recipe books, school news, that kind of thing. There was also a newspaper-type thing. This month’s issue was all about bullying. Since I have a particular interest in the topic, I thought I’d check it out and see what it was.
The first page was all about some multi-page document outlining a full bullying-prevention program. The rest was devoted to providing exercises and activities related to bullying, presumably for use in the classroom.
The first couple of sets of exercises were impressive. There were several scenarios, with discussion questions throughout each situation. Questions included the type of bullying and how the child might have been feeling. Each scenario ended with the sentence, “It was not _____’s fault that s/he was bullied.” There were also some great questions for kids about identifying their own feelings and using healthy responses to feelings.
Despite the outward appearance of being a great tool, I had some concerns about the material. There was a list in the front of the magazine which outlined types of bullying and the degree of concern each deserved. I had no problem with the lists, for the most part. Obviously teasing, while mean-spirited, is not life-threatening; flashing a knife is. However, I disagree that racism is the only potential hate crime. I saw no mention of violence or threats based on gender or sexuality. I realize this is a publication for elementary school students, but are the authors of the magazine that clueless? Surely experts on bullying are aware that kids are already being singled out for harassment, even at such a young age.
My second concern was with material presented later on in the magazine. While the authors were careful to point out that bullying is not the victim’s fault, they made it clear that the victim is (at least partially) responsible for ending it. Now, I’m all for kids standing up for themselves. But that can be hard to do, especially if you feel that there isn’t anyone on your side. It’s easier to assert yourself in the company of friends who care about you. But that won’t happen for a kid who feels that he or she has no one to support him or her.
We’ve come a long way from the days of assuming it’s entirely the victim’s fault. But why, oh why, don’t we stop excusing the perpetrators? It reminds me of all those seminars for women on how not to be victimized. Yeah, that’s right, ladies–don’t wear “sexy” clothes, don’t drink booze, and make sure you say no loud and clear. Huh, so it’s not the guy’s fault that he’s a jerk? Kid, make a wisecrack when someone insults you and ignore what those kids are whispering about you. Never mind the fact that no one has the right to be cruel to another person. When are we going to stop making excuses and start holding kids accountable for harassing others?
In my experience, and that of many other kids, bullying doesn’t get better just because you’re assertive. It doesn’t get better just because you tell an adult what’s happening, either. For many kids, it continues to get worse. And when kids take their own lives over it, parents are beginning to demand someone pay.
Why let it get to that point? If we stop it, if we create a culture of respect, kids will treat one another accordingly. This is what we need to expect in our schools.
