Ten Reasons Some Bisexual Women Aren’t Impressed with Your List

It’s not often anymore that I’m compelled to write a response to someone being obnoxious online. I have better things to do with my time these days, like plotting my next novel and/or world domination. This one, though, really irritated me: 10 Reasons I Am Thankful for Bisexual Women. From the constant referral to grown-ass women as “girls” to the objectification of our bodies, I don’t find it complimentary at all. I get that some people will probably just think I have no sense of humor. Feel free, but in the meantime, let me explain what tripped my gross-o-meter, point by point.

1. “They’re everywhere. Literally, everywhere.”

You know how all the studies say that gay people make up something like 3-4 percent of the population or some crazy low number like that? (I mean I think it’s more like 20 percent but that’s another conversation). At any rate, given that sexuality is clearly a bell curve, it follows that roughly 50 percent of the population is bisexual.

Someone needs to go back to statistics and sociology class. Since when is sexuality on a bell curve? I’ve never, ever heard anyone who studies these things say that. But even if it’s true in some sense, 50% of the population is grossly inflated. I believe she’s confusing the statistic that says 50% of people not identifying as straight are bisexual. Regardless of her strange statistics, that’s an odd reason to like us. I mean, you like us because you can’t escape us? We’re not the Borg.

2. “They are looking for girls to date on Tinder and OkCupid”

That’s at least true. But she goes on to refer to us as “bisexual unicorns” (kind of at odds with her first point). I’m not quite so bothered by this point, actually, but I’d have to ask my lesbian friends if they find her stereotyping of lesbians to be a problem.

3. “They (often) do not live in the real-life equivalent of The L Word.”

No, we don’t. But are there really that many lesbians and bisexual women who do? And sorry, hon, but it’s not my job to cure your “lesbian bubble” blues by being your token bi friend. (Obviously also not going to be your token bi partner, either, as I’m spoken for.) If you feel trapped in your world, maybe it’s time to break out of it. It’s not someone else’s responsibility—not even with our magical unicorn powers—to make it happen.

4.  “They’re fucking gorgeous.”

Well, then. Here we have yet another stereotype.

[L]ooking purely at numbers, there’s a higher chance of finding a beautiful bisexual girl than just about any other type of woman (there are probably more bi girls than straight girls out there too. Just sayin’). And if you like women who are femme/girly/long-haired/fitting-standards-of-traditional-female-beauty etc., you are in even more luck because bi girls tend to be on this end of the gender presentation spectrum. I don’t know why this is. Maybe because they are also open to dating guys and guys tend to go for femme-ier girls? Maybe because some of them live a more outwardly heteronormative existence?

Oh, dear lord. We are all over the map. Some things to ponder:

• We’re not all in our twenties (even those of us who are single)
• We’re not all Hollywood beautiful
• We’re not all femme (not by a long shot)
• Plenty of men actually like butch women, and not all men who date women are straight (what happened to your 50% statistic? Applies to men too, right?)
• “Outwardly heteronormative”? Seriously? Fuck right off. Being married to or dating men doesn’t make us “heteronormative” anything, given the fact that we’re not hetero.

Great that she goes on to say that masculine, androgynous, and feminine women are sexy, but the whole previous paragraph is just kind of weird and doesn’t back that up. She follows that with saying bi women also find those gender presentations sexy…but we’re apparently not allowed to actually present that way ourselves, only enjoy them on other women. Ick.

5. “They’re everything you love about straight women, but they also have a gritty gay-ish edge to them and want to sleep with you.”

So we get to be your straight-girl-fetish-crush? I don’t think so. Are some bi women like this? Yes. But what the hell is a “gritty gay-ish edge” and why do we need to have it? Can’t we just be, you know, bisexual women? Do we actually need to be “gay-ish”? That smacks of calling us “half-queer.”

I can’t even deal with the long list of stereotypes of both lesbian and bi women which follow this bullet point. How could I possibly measure up if I’m supposed to have long, shiny hair that I like to curl, a perfectly waxed and manicured body, and be “proficient” at any or all of these: cooking, baking, sewing, styling hair, styling clothes, hosting dinner parties, wrapping gifts, handwriting letters, staying in shape, interior design, listening, nurturing, gardening?

She refers to all of that as “straight-girl characteristics.” Apparently, there are no lesbians ever—anywhere—who like or do those things. Also, may I remind everyone once again that bi women are not straight? We don’t have “straight-girl characteristics.” We have our own characteristics. For me, not one of those includes having been a tomboy, liking to get dirty, or chugging beer. It also doesn’t include most things people think are feminine.

This phrase says it all:

I do not care that this list is horribly reductive and relies completely on gender stereotypes about (straight) women.

Obviously.

6. “They kick ass in bed.”

Oh, we’re “fast learners,” eh? Because we must be taught the fine art of sex by lesbians, of course. We never, ever have sex with each other, and we’re never, ever the more experienced partner. Also, I’m pretty sure a person who doesn’t have or enjoy sex with men isn’t the best judge of whether it’s better. Bi women admitting to the person they’re having sex with that it’s “better” may or may not simply be trying not to hurt their current partner’s feelings. Bi women telling their lesbian friends that sex with women is better may or may not be trying to fit in or feel legit.

7. “Their sexuality doesn’t envelope their whole world. They tend to see people as people and not sexuality labels.”

This is partly true. It’s also true that we have our labels shamed, controlled, and constantly redefined by people who are not us. Many of us are writers, activists, academics, and more, and we have an investment in bi visibility. There are also plenty of lesbians (and other sexualities) who don’t really care about those things. No group is a monolith.

8.  They’ll totally get along with your parents.

This one really sticks in my craw. First, it’s yet another stereotype of men and women. Second, it’s an assumption that all parents are straight (because they’re married to each other! Men! And women! STRAIGHT!). No parents, ever, have been bi and not out to their kids, right? Third, what the everliving fuck:

Bi girls can shoot the shit about football with your dad while also bonding with your mom about girly ass stuff like baby showers.

I don’t really like football. My father–in-law does, but I doubt a conversation with him about it would go well. I can think of at least two dozen other topics I’d rather discuss with him (I do love my FIL) that we would both enjoy a lot more. I also don’t think a conversation about baby showers would go over with my mother-in-law (who is among the least “girly” women I know). It would look like this:

Me: So…baby showers.

She: Ayup.

Once again, I can think of lots of things we could talk about that would be fun for us both. Perhaps getting to know people as, you know, people would help rather than stereotyping them and trying to fit ourselves in boxes.

9. “As friends, they make excellent sounding boards for your lesbian woes without being too heavily biased but yet still completely getting it.”

Okay, I agree with this one, to an extent. I still think it relies on the idea that we make good friends but lousy lovers, but this is something I think is pretty awesome:

They know how much it sucks to be judged and they know how important it is to rely on your own feelings and self-identification than to be policed by both the gay and straight worlds.

A-freaking-men. Yes. We get policed all the damn time. I may hate the rest of this list, but that one sentence nearly makes up for the rest of the shit.

10. “They are NOT going to leave you for a guy.”

Oh, fine. I like this one, too. I happen to have married a man, but if I’d married a woman, I wouldn’t be contemplating leaving because I missed men any more than I’m contemplating leaving my husband for a woman. It doesn’t really work like that. Cheaters cheat regardless; relationships end for many reasons; and commitment isn’t dependent on gender or sexuality. I’d like to see the whole list reduced to this one bullet point, actually. (Though I would argue this isn’t a reason to be thankful for bi women. It’s simply a statement of fact.)

With the exception of the last point (and maybe the one before it), this is a pointless way to be a bi ally. It’s just another way in which (ironically, given the quote under #9) we have to defend ourselves as legitimate queer-spectrum people. Instead of misguided attempts at standing up for us, how about allowing our voices to be heard and amplifying them? Tweet us. Reblog us. Share our work. But don’t ever, ever reduce us to a list based on your own personal preferences and stereotypes.