Identity, entitlement, and allyship

CW: Homophobia, transphobia, fake-ass allies, and death threats against queer people

I don’t even know where to begin with this. Ordinarily, I might try to combine the personal with some well-reasoned arguments. Ideally, some good discussion might happen: people might suggest alternative points of view, we might banter a bit, but in the end, we’d hopefully have had respectful dialog resulting in a handshake.

Not today.

Because I can’t. I’m certain I’ve pissed a few people off with my harder stance on preferring #OwnVoices books. I’ve had my fair share of debates on whether or not it’s okay for cisgender straight folks to write M/M romance. I’ve firmly asked allies to stop comparing writing LGBTQIA folks to writing serial killers and vampires. Some folks don’t like when I do it, but I’m okay with that. If it gets a few people to think about what they’re doing and why, it’s worth getting a few people annoyed.

There are occasions (admittedly rare) when I do keep my mouth shut because it’s not my circus, not my monkeys. This time, I don’t feel right about not speaking up. Because this, folks, is the result of a community built on the concept of white straight women writing about the lives and experiences of gay men. It’s about entitlement and how easy it is to find out who was never an ally in the first place. Being an ally is not just about tolerating our presence and voting that it’s okay to get legally married or even to pee in the right bathroom. It’s about seeing and understanding the complexities of our lived experience and honoring that.

Yesterday, everything blew up with a well-known author making what appeared to be a joke about being a gay man. It was in poor taste, but it was also on the heels of a catfisher and Rachel Dolezal’s ridiculousness. On a personal level, it irritates me when cisgender straight people do this. I already have to deal with having my gender called “fake,” and this doesn’t do me any favors. I wasn’t going to step in, though, because I have no direct link to this author. I left it to people in a better position to address it.

As is usual in these situations, someone called the author out, which allowed more people to feel safe enough to say something. A few authors didn’t respond directly but chose to make their own posts, explaining what life is like for them as trans men and transmasculine non-binary folks. While a few gay men jumped in to support the author, quite a lot were offended.

All of that is more or less to be expected. People say foolish things all the time, get called out for it, a big argument happens, and eventually there’s tenuous peace (until the next time). It grates on me when “allies” show up to support the straight person and chastise the queer folks, but at least that tells me whose books I have no intention of buying or reviewing. It was actually pretty heartening to see gay, bi, and trans folk in solidarity. #GoTeamQueer

Except it didn’t end there. It went to the next level. I got up today to see that one of these “allies” had suggested we all remove ourselves to an isolated location and “just kill ourselves off.” Followed by a laugh-crying emoji.

Because queer people killing ourselves is 100% funny, right?

Let’s think about this. No one was there to ruin the straight white ladies’ fun. Almost all of the objectors whose names I knew are LGBTQIA. There were people being open about how this conversation was so hate-filled that it triggered our gender dysphoria. There were folks talking about how they cannot be out, which is why they write under pseudonyms as men and/or gay (their true identity). Some of us also know what pretending to be what you’re not does to people. Many of us have been at a point when we had to choose to come out or die.

The closet kills, and “allies” like these contribute.

You are not an ally if you tell queer people to kill ourselves off. You’ve also proved that you think straight folks and the gay men they treat like pets own a genre written about the lives and experiences of queer men and that rest of us ought to just buzz off. Or, you know, kill ourselves. Whatever is more convenient for you.

I’m all out of fucks to give here, folks. I’m tired of defending straight white women writing M/M. I’ve always been a bit uncomfortable with it to begin with, but I also don’t believe in telling people what they’re allowed to write. I’d rather urge people to think about why they prefer to write exclusively about a marginalized group they’ve never been part of. Now I don’t want to anymore. I can’t tell who genuinely cares about the LGBTQIA community, who has our interests at heart and who might turn on us if we object to their brand of allyship.

If you’re a straight white woman writing M/M, step up and prove yourself. Show us that you’re not chummy with homophobic, transphobic authors. Make it clear that you’re not on board with telling us to “kill ourselves off.” Take a stand for once and tell these people no, even if you think it’s a risk to your career. Don’t give me any bullshit about how you’re not good at standing up or you’re afraid or some blah-blah about being blacklisted. You know what’s really scary? Being told you deserve to die. So if you can’t bear witness for us against your fellow straights, we know exactly who our allies are—and you’re not on the list.