Some thoughts on parenting teenagers

I read this post yesterday: Why aren’t we talking about parenting teenagers? It made me pause because I think it’s true that we’re not offering enough support, but probably not for the reasons this blog post suggests.

Years ago, long before Spouse and I had kids at all, we made an observation while volunteering with young people. It seemed to us that many adults had a fear of that stage, resulting in closed-off relationships and increasingly tight control.

When our kids reached their teen years, I wondered if the issue might have been more specific to a particular stripe of conservative Christianity. The above blog post indicates to me that it is not.

I was troubled by the language used by the blogger. Everything in that post struck me as having a sheen of antagonism. She seems incredibly frustrated by the emotional push-pull of adolescent development. While I understand that some teens can behave badly, I don’t at all think this characterizes late-stage childhood. Or it shouldn’t, anyway.

My sense is that a lot of people like the early years much better. There are probably dozens of reasons for this, but one thing that’s true is how much easier it is to set the rules and enforce them. Sure, little kids can be defiant about some things. But at least on the surface, it’s not as complicated for most people.

Admittedly, I’m a big fan of teens. This stage of my kids’ development seems to me as rapid and exciting as their first year of life. Physically, I used to joke that I could stand there and watch my son gain height. Last year, I bought pants for him as often as I did when he was an infant. He isn’t done growing, by the way, so I may need to learn how to hem a pair of trousers.

Obviously, life is not all sunshine, happiness, and gum. My kids are not adult-level responsible yet, and sometimes they do or say foolish things. Overall, though, I have the same thoughts now that I’ve had all through their childhood. You can ask anyone who knows me well and they’ll tell you it’s true. Since birth, I’ve repeatedly exclaimed every so often, “I think this is my favorite stage!”

I spend a good deal of time around teens due to volunteering. Contrary to whatever new article on “stupid things teens are doing this week,” they are not Tide-pod eating, whiny, entitled brats who can’t face real life because they’ve been coddled. Try again.

The past few weeks should’ve taught us adults a thing or two. Teens stood up to gun culture and spoke passionately about the need to do something to protect them from school shootings. #BlackLivesMatter teens took the floor as well, rightly questioning why they haven’t been heard and their bravery celebrated in the same way.

And what did adults do? Accused these kids of being “coached” on what to say. Told them they should “walk up, not out” and blamed them for being shot at. Repeatedly said “now is not the time” and to be quiet and listen to all the adults.

So yeah, we need to do a better job supporting parents of teenagers. We need to work on strategies for helping adults and adolescents understand each other. We need to honor the hard work kids are doing in their activism, and find ways to encourage their sense of social justice.

What we don’t need are more ways to allow adults to vent which put parents at odds with their kids.

My parenting is far from perfect, as I’m sure both my kids will tell you. But what I’ve found works best are strategies that maximize their physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual autonomy while still keeping my own boundaries intact.

In my opinion, I’m long past the days of wanting to make Mommy Groups based on my kids’ stage of life. I have friends with teenagers, friends whose kids are long into adulthood, and friends whose kids are still little. I have a core group of friends, and we can talk openly about some of the very real challenges we’re up against. I value this far more than a place to expel pent-up frustrations about wayward adolescents and receive well-meant but often misplaced sympathy.

These years are precious and few. It’s March of my son’s freshman year of high school. He already has his whole life mapped out. Even if the specifics don’t fall into place, he still only has a little more than three years until I set him free. It’s a little more than five for my daughter. That’s less than a quarter (him) and a third (her) of the time they will spend as children under my roof.

I don’t want these years to be painful and tense. I want them to be a time when I’m challenged to grow with them every bit as much as I did when they were tiny and at all stages in between. This is my chance to begin knowing them in a way that sets the stage for us to be equals. Yes, I’m responsible for helping them through it and being the adult. But every year brings more maturity and wisdom on their part too.

What sort of support do parents need at this age? I can’t say. Maybe it looks different for everyone, and maybe it’s dependent on each family’s values. As for me, I’ll be here joyfully watching my kids grow.