Boundaries: I have them

I’ve been thinking about this for a while but never got around to writing anything about it. I’m not sure why, other than that I’m usually busy with lots of other things and don’t have time to write blog posts that aren’t directly tied to my work.

Here’s the main point, in case you don’t want to read any further: I have boundaries, and I’d like people to respect them.

Years ago, when I was a baby blogger on social justice issues and religion, I had fluid boundaries between my online and offline life. I actually got in a bit of trouble over it at my last church. I kept my social media public, aside from stuff about my kids, because I was working with teens. I felt strongly then (as I do now) that they needed to see an adult who was advocating for them, especially around LGBTQ+ rights. (I wasn’t out then; I told people I was an ally.) That church wanted me to stop writing or stop working with youth. I refused, though I did go incognito for a time until we left the church.

For that reason, I have always had a bit of difficulty separating out my personal and my professional life when I switched to paid work. I left my life mainly public (again, aside from stuff about my kids). I came out, and I began my career as an author. I joined multiple social media groups. That was also around the time I began working from home rather than primarily being a stay-home parent.

Consequently, a lot of people ended up believing that they are entitled to my time, energy, and attention.

It happens in a lot of ways, some subtle and some overt. On a regular basis, I receive messages or message request, both from people I know and people I don’t. Despite having my chat “off,” I can still see when I get a message, and I can still see requests. It’s up to me whether to decline or respond.

Because some of my writing contains descriptive (though not usually graphic) sex, I have had people cross lines by detailing their own sexual encounters. Or they have assumed they have the right to ask about mine. Sometimes these come from people claiming to be fellow writers. The conversation starts off as either requests for book recommendations or other general writing chat and quickly derails. Most often, it takes the form of telling me something like “books are my only friends right now” and ends with sending me inappropriate selfies or other suggestive material. More than once I’ve received dick pics or boob shots.

Some people skip the book talk altogether and just start by sending me a winky emoji or a “hey, baby” or a “hi, cutie.”

Before someone suggests I might be leading them on, just stop right there. This week, three men contacted me because I liked their comments in a public group. I didn’t even reply to them. I get these kinds of messages on a regular basis, though a fair number of them are probably scammers who cold-message random people.

It’s not just explicit stuff, either. There are people (some of them in my offline life) who think it’s perfectly fine to nitpick about my or my kids’ appearance in public. Or, on the flip side, they think that it’s perfectly fine to make incredibly creepy comments about my children’s attractiveness or their future sexual relationships.

I feel incredibly violated by this kind of intrusive behavior. But nearly as bad are people who send me other kinds of unsolicited messages. I keep a list of people I won’t send advance copies of my work because all they ever do is obsess over searching for typos and misplaced commas without telling me if they think the story I wrote is any good. Most people don’t enjoy having it pointed out that this is not socially appropriate behavior and in fact are often vicious when they defend their right to do this. I simply don’t send those folks anything of mine anymore.

People also like to send me text or media files without warning and without asking. This is anything from review copies to editing work, with the assumption I’ll do it for free or cut my fees by at least half. I don’t mean they ask me and we work something out. I mean they simply send it.

On an ongoing basis, I have to tell people that my being home during the day does not mean I’m free every time they want something from me. I am working, just like anyone else who goes to a job. I can’t just move my hours to random times because I do things with my family in the evenings and on weekends. Obviously there are exceptions, and I may sometimes offer my help. It’s the assumption that I am always available that I don’t like.

Besides all that, I deal with chronic pain and fatigue. This makes it impossible for me to take on more tasks. I have to plan for the work I do, and adding more to my plate without asking is not okay. That applies to physical, mental, and emotional labor.

I have, repeatedly, made my boundaries clear. I don’t want anything unsolicited. Not advice, not jobs, not books, not dick pics. Nothing. And yet, somehow, a lot of people aren’t getting this message.

I don’t know anymore how to get through to people. The problem is, every single individual who does these things believes themselves to be the exception. They see their thing (whatever that may be) as the one I might respond to. A lot of them do this to multiple people on the off chance one of them will do whatever it is. Some just think it’s okay because we’re friends and I ought to want to do stuff for them.

There’s no good way to end this except to plead with people to stop doing this. Not to me, not to other people in your life. Think about that message you want to send to someone before you do it and ask if you really need that person’s time or attention. Chances are high that you probably don’t.