Consent

Happy Friday! Here at our house, this is the last Friday of the school year (for the kids, anyway). They’re done as of next Wednesday. I’m glad, because I need a vacation. The nice thing about the school calendar is that just when I’m starting to feel burned out, we get another break. I’m going to be making the most of mine, that’s for sure.

Here are the cool (and not-so-cool) things I read this week:

1. The “question” of consent

Dianna Anderson has a fantastic post on dignity and not treating people as questions to be answered. She rightly points out the inherent problem of calling consent a question and where the Church must tread lightly in regard to ideas open to debate. Ironically, the same day I read this post, I read another one in which the writer cheerily talks about wanting to interact with “the gay community” in order to demonstrate how loving she is–all while simultaneously referring to “the gay lifestyle” as being outside God’s perfect design. Guess that writer didn’t read Dianna’s post first.

2. The “question” of breadwinning wives

I highly recommend you make time to read all of Danielle’s response to Mary Kassian’s post on breadwinning wives. I particularly liked the second part, My Marriage Is Not a Form of Prostitution. In parallel, I’ve seen couples treat marriage this way outside of the career/financial angle–a lot of people seem to think that it’s an acceptable transaction to trade sex for goods and services. I’m not convinced that’s a healthy view of marriage.

3. Questions for N. T. Wright

If you’re a fan of Wright’s work, you may be interested in his responses to readers’ questions on Rachel Held Evans’ blog.

4. The “question” of women teaching

This is a great read from Laura Ziesel about the illogical view of women as “more easily deceived.” I have long held that not only can we not determine exactly when a boy is too old to be taught by a woman (many churches arbitrarily use 18), we also have the stupid view that a 70-year-old life-long woman of faith cannot teach a young, inexperienced barely adult male of 18 or 21. Now there’s another one–that women, being weaker and more easily deceived, should probably not be teaching children, either. What a load of manure; thanks, Laura, for pointing that out.

5. Questions for a couple coping with chronic illness

This is an interesting interview with a couple in which the wife has endometriosis. I appreciate the wisdom in recommending that the Church develop healthier ways to talk about sex and relationships, especially given the fact that it’s never one-size-fits-all.

6. The “question” of PDA

Yeah, I admit I’m one of those people who prefers that couples not stick their tongues down each others’ throats in public or grope each other under their clothes on the beach. But a little kissin’? Heck no, that doesn’t bother me. It makes me just want to scream whenever I see someone on social media write,

I’m not homophobic, but I really don’t need to see two guys kissing.

I get it that some people don’t like PDA, but until everyone starts pointing it out when they see a het couple doing it, then those people really need to keep that thought to themselves. Anyway, go read this article about couples who were asked to leave for PDA and then try to tell me it’s not homophobia.

7. Love isn’t a question

My fellow writer Aaron Smith has written a beautiful guest post over on Registered Runaway’s blog. He says it all; I have nothing to add.

8. A question of point of view

Novelist Adrian Smith explains using second person. I do it all the freakin’ time, on this blog and in casual speech, but I’ve never written a story in second person. When done well, it’s good; when done poorly, it’s awful. See if you can make it work. (See what I did there?)

9. The “question” of modesty

Oh, dear Lord, here we go again. We women don’t know what we “do” to men. Apparently, they have to repeat the internal mantra, “Don’t think about boobs don’t think about boobs don’t think about boobs dammit I’m thinking about boobs.” This just seriously creeps me out, because I don’t think I know any men who really have these issues, but a few who do have managed to convince a whole generation of young men that they do, too. So gross.

10. A question for Cheerio-despising racists

At the end of this spoof of the Cheerios ad with the biracial couple, the question is: “What? Now this is a problem?” Go watch it and share the funny with your friends.

11. A story with a question

I’m not entirely sure what happens after the end of my story for Fiction Friday. I’ll let you decide.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

© Chrisharvey | Stock Free Images & Dreamstime Stock Photos

As I mentioned yesterday in my Fifty Shades post, I want to explore this idea of trust a bit further. It’s important, because I’m seeing something huge happening among people who call themselves both feminists and Christians. We are standing at the threshold of a new (and hopefully healthier) sexual ethic that reflects both our faith and the letting go of patriarchal norms. This is a marvelous thing that is unfolding, and I am beyond thrilled to be part of it.

Last week, fellow blogger Dianna Anderson posted this fantastic piece titled No Touching: Consent as the First Step. I absolutely agree wholeheartedly that consent must be a foundational element of our sexual ethic, because otherwise, little else that we say matters. As important as consent is, however, it cannot by itself be our ethic. We need other elements–without them, we end up with the potential for “whatever makes you happy.” That’s not truly healthy either.

The next thing we must talk about is trust. Consent is good, but it must go hand-in-hand with trust. What made me think of it was not the lack of trust I see in Fifty Shades (though that did help clarify it). I was actually inspired by this quote from the aforementioned post by Dianna:

Consent is asking at every step “Is this okay? Does this feel good? Can I touch you here?” and getting a unequivocally positive response before proceeding.

With all due respect, I disagree with this statement. There are times and situations in which it is certainly true, but it is not universally applicable. When my husband and I are physically intimate with each other, we don’t ask permission and require an enthusiastic “yes” before every single activity. To my recollection, we have never done this. In fact, it would be rather strange if we started. At this point, the expectation is that if one of us does not want to do something or is not enjoying it, we will speak up; if one of us speaks up, the other is expected to listen. We communicate if we want to try something we’ve never done, but otherwise, we simply do what feels right in the moment.

That got me thinking: Why is that?

Why don’t we have to ask permission for every kiss, every touch? And why didn’t we need to even when we began a physically intimate relationship?

The answer is that we trust each other. We have always had the kind of open, honest relationship that made such trust possible. This is why we don’t need to ask permission. It isn’t because permission is merely assumed; it’s because we understand each other well enough that we don’t need words to communicate.

It just so happens that I think that the level of trust one has for a partner and the level of physical intimacy should match. That means that the “are you married, check yes or no” question is the wrong one to ask. It also means that “do you have permission” might also be the wrong question to ask if it’s asked in isolation.

I’m not comfortable affixing labels to relationships in such a way that the only equation is consent + trust = married couple. And for those who do not share my religious sensibilities, it’s not my job to police your ethics or tell you that you shouldn’t have a sexual encounter that requires asking permission for every act. But as for people calling themselves Christians, I absolutely believe that we should not be sexually linked with people we do not fully trust.

There are a number of other factors that come into play when developing a healthy ethic, but both consent and trust are foundational. I would like to see us build on these two things as we seek to discern how we can have relationships that honor others and reflect our faith.

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