Disclaimer: I have my son’s permission to post this. He read the entire thing first and agreed I could publish it.
I wasn’t going to say anything. I was going to let it go. Except, well, I can’t. I have a tendency to overthink and dwell on things, but I tried for a while to put it out of my mind. Only I think this needs to be said, so listen up.
If my twelve-year-old were on Facebook, he could list his status as “in a relationship,” which is one of two things which sparked this post. The other was a comic by Assigned Male about the ways in which we enforce heterosexuality on children from a young age. While I’m bothered by that on its own, it also deeply troubles me that we speculate about romantic relationships between three-year-old children at all. It also bothers me that adults are discussing a middle schooler’s relationships and that anyone feels free to dissect his current one to look for meaning.
Which brings me to now. You, people who are speculating on my child’s past, current, and/or future relationships, are basing your assumptions on stereotypes and a handful of things he’s given me permission to post publicly. You may also be projecting your former self onto my child. I swear I’m going to let the next person have it who says “I was that age once.” Yeah, I know you were, but if you think it’s going to endear me to you or change anything about the way I parent when you tell me how negatively you treated potential partners, you are mistaken.
I get it that some of you didn’t have a great experience at his age. And I respect that if you don’t have kids yourself, and all you have are news stories featuring the tragic end to bullying, you may not realize how different it is from when we were young. Trust me, you don’t need to worry that he’s hiding his true nature and pretending to go along with what he thinks society expects. I have a child who has taken ballet and painted his nails and worn the occasional skirt and grown his hair out longish (until he was told to cut it for the school play). What part of himself do you honestly think he’s hiding?
Here’s the thing. If you don’t live in my household, you are not part of the day-to-day relationship I have with my kid. You don’t hear the conversations we have. I also don’t share them publicly, so you’re not informed about what we discuss in private. Which means that when my kid says something about himself, it’s not your job to question him or suggest he doesn’t really know himself or any other version of implying you know something he and I do not. Are you a person who has lived with him his whole life? No? Then back the fuck off, please and thank you.
If you are an adult pondering my child’s developing sexual and relational identities, there is something wrong with that. Why is it so important for you to be able to pin down what you think you know about him? He’s been dealing with this bullshit since he was old enough to talk—everything from telling him (at age five!) that he’ll be a heartbreaker to making comments on his mannerisms and self-expression to telling him he’s “confused.”
(We deal with the same crap with our other child, by the way, but she prefers I not blog about her. Out of respect, I’m keeping the conversation focused on the kid who doesn’t mind.)
Listen. I don’t believe for a millisecond that most of you in the “what is he” crowd really care about him or have his best interest in mind. Because if any of you did, you would recognize that it is, in fact, none of your damn business. Do not in the same breath tell me what an “awesome” job of parenting I’m doing and then turn around and fail to trust that my kid and I have this worked out. If you truly thought he was at risk of…something (I honestly don’t know what), then sure, I could understand your borderline concern trolling. But if you think his dad and I are doing all right as parents, then why on God’s green earth would you think it’s all right to question how he is expressing his identity?
Currently, my kid has the seventh grade version of a “relationship.” Do you know what this means? It means he emails her and they hug goodbye after the one class they share. It does not mean he’s using her as a cover for his “real” identity. It does not mean she’s his one and only forever and ever amen. It does not mean anything in particular except that they are twelve and trying on being a bit more grown up. That’s literally all. So whatever my kid says is true of himself is true regardless of this one particular girl.
If you are tempted to suggest he’s “still figuring things out,” you’re partially right. One hundred percent of twelve-year-olds are “figuring things out” in lots of ways. That’s what twelve is! But if you mean to suggest he doesn’t know himself or that he’s too young and will eventually change his mind, then kindly don’t. Of course it’s possible he will see himself differently at another stage of his life; that’s true for any of us. But what’s most important is that this is how he sees himself right now. His information is trustworthy regardless of his age.
Admire my kid for how he bravely stands up for others. Appreciate his skill on stage, whether it’s as a dancer, an actor, or a musician. Laugh with him at his misadventures, about which he has a great sense of humor. But don’t place him in the context of his future adult relationships. Let him be twelve.
