LGBT

My Gag Reflex Is None of Your Business

Warning: This post is a response to an irresponsible, gross, and damaging article over at The Gospel Coalition in which there is “graphic” mention of gay sex and abusive language towards gay people and their allies. (There is no specific mention of trans people, as usual in these kinds of diatribes against “LGBT” people.)

By now, you’ve probably read Thabiti Anyabwile’s vile, disgusting piece of shit article at The Gospel Coalition. If you haven’t, and you’re in the mood for vomiting and/or raging (or, God forbid, you actually agree with Anyabwile), please feel free to read it here.

There have been a number of responses, including by people who otherwise still hold the belief that the Bible condemns homosexuality in some way. I don’t hold that belief myself, and I’d like to see us move past arguing about it, but at least even people more or less on the same side of the argument recognize Anyabwile’s post for the dung heap it is.

To all my friends, regardless of who your partners/spouses are: I don’t care what you get up to in bed together. Since you also don’t seem to be in a hurry to ask me about what my husband and I do, I think we’re good. Reducing people to sex acts and “gag reflexes” is disgusting and dehumanizing.

While I would love to pick Anyabwile’s words apart one at a time and address every steaming, stinking turd contained in that ugly rant, I don’t have the time or energy. Instead, I have a few words about one specific part of Anyabwile’s post. He says this:

Reject the unbiblical definition of love. I said, though it was very unpopular, homosexual marriage could not properly be called “love.” You could choke on the room’s tension. “How could I say such a thing?” I pointed out that the Bible teaches plainly that “love does not rejoice in wrongdoing” (1 Cor. 13). That the Bible also teaches that homosexual behavior was wrongdoing or sin. Consequently, though strong emotions and affections are involved, we cannot properly call it “love.” Love does no harm, and homosexuality clearly harms everyone involved.

Well, then. I guess the Great and Powerful Oz has spoken. Hear that, people? Thabiti Anyabwile has declared that he knows for absolute certain what “real” love is! I admit, I’m really excited about that, because there was some confusion there. See, I thought that real love kinda looked like this:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails.

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

love covers over a multitude of sins.

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear.

Silly me! Who am I to know what love is but a random blogger with a good Internet connection and access to Google and Bible Gateway?

I’m grateful that Thabiti Anyabwile could clear things up so that we’re all on the same page, knowing that gay people don’t really love each other and that deep down–way, way, deep down; so deep, in fact, that I wasn’t even aware of it–we all know the truth:

What we’re really talking about when we talk about “homosexuality” is not just sex gone wrong but wrong sexual behavior. Deep down we all–Christian and non-Christian, heterosexual and homosexual–know it’s wrong.

Without Anyabwile to point it out, I might have gone on for years believing that I don’t actually think it’s wrong. What was I thinking? I have obviously been ignoring my gag reflex all this time. Clearly, I’ve been deluded. I mean, what about the children???

Well, damn. I’ve been convicted. I must not be exhibiting real love whenever I rejoice that my gay friends have gotten married or started families. The only obvious course is for me to change tracks and make sure that every gay person I encounter knows that they are wrong, wrong, wrong.

Oh. Wait. I already tried that once.

I guess the one thing I can praise here is that it’s at least honest. Thabiti Anyabwile is just taking the advice I gave in a previous post to examine whether our issues with homosexuality are based on squicky sex or squicky sex roles. Anyabwile seems to have chosen the former.

Now, can we get this much honesty from the lawmakers in charge of allowing same-sex marriage?

What safe space?

LGBTQ+, Relationships, Religion

Remember last week when I (probably somewhat rudely, I’ll admit) said, “Fuck living in the tension”? I just want to take some time to clarify that. Many thanks to the Christians expressing their “grief” over the SCOTUS decision yesterday for helping me to figure out what was bothering me that led to my statement.

First, I want to make it absolutely, perfectly, 100% clear that I was NOT talking to any of my LGBTQI friends or family or strangers on the Internet. That remark was solely intended for my fence-sitting straight Christian brothers and sisters. It’s important that I emphasize that, because dialogue about LGBTQI issues and faith can never, ever begin with me–which is actually why I abhor “living in the tension” so much. That phrase is aimed at straight people and meant to imply something like, “How the heck do I love gay people when I really think they’re outside God’s will?” It’s a really bad place to begin any kind of conversation; you can’t go into something with the idea that another person needs to convince you of the validity of their identity and how that looks to them.

What sparked my fury and my desire to try again to explain to the nice straight people what we’re all doing wrong was this post at A Deeper Story. See, my issue is absolutely not with any LGBTQI people who are learning what it means to honor their identity and be a person of faith. That’s a respectable journey, and no one–NO ONE–needs my, or anyone else’s, permission to take it.

The problem is that straight people all seem to think we’re entitled to an opinion on someone else’s identity. That conversation at A Deeper Story? All about straight angst because we have feels about homosexuality. This goes for both sides of the “debate,” by the way. You know that thing people do when you tell your story and the first thing they do is derail and start talking about themselves? Yeah, same thing.

Here’s a newsflash: It’s not about you. Whatever your personal opinion–even if you’re sure it’s “biblical”–about LGBTQI people, that’s all it is; it’s your opinion. You do not need special times and places to write about it, because there are people all over, on both sides, who share it. You do not need “safe space” to be sad about marriage equality. You are not entitled to determine someone else’s humanity or their faith.

What has long bothered me, though I didn’t quite have the words for it, was this idea of inviting people to the table to talk about how we should handle relationship with LGBTQI people. It bothers me because it’s still the people with privilege sitting in our positions of power making decisions about who is welcome and in what capacity. That’s not how it should work.

You really want to have this conversation? Then I suggest starting with actual LGBTQI people who are working out their identities and their faith stories. You want links? Come back tomorrow and check out my Friday links round-up, where I’ll connect you with a whole bunch of people. After that, try doing a Google search for things like “LGBT Christians” and “Queer Theology.” Whether you agree or not isn’t important; what’s important is that you see what Christians identifying as LGBTQI are saying about themselves.

Before I get hate mail or protests along the lines of, “But I know a gay person! And that person appreciates my honesty that I don’t approve of the lifestyle!” please take a moment to think about that. When was the last time you “appreciated” it when someone chose some vital part of your life and disapproved but said “I love you anyway”? I honestly don’t care whether you approve of my friends and family or not. Either way, it’s not terribly helpful or loving to remind them all the time what you think, and it’s not your job to have an opinion about someone who has reconciled his or her faith and identity.

I just don’t understand why there’s this need for such anxiety, unless deep down you’re worried that if you don’t help people get this whole gay thing under control, they’ll wind up in hell. Seriously? Stop with the hair-pulling already. Here’s some suggestions for Things You Can Do with Your Christian LGBTQI Friends:

Have a nice cup of tea or coffee
Exchange conversation about the blessings in your life
Talk about ways you’re hurting and listen to theirs
Make a play date for your kids
Go see a live band
Ask them how they see their faith/identity/sexuality, without explaining what you think of any of those things

I stand by what I said: “Fuck living in the tension.” But it applies to straight people who use it to have discussions about whether we should include them in our worship. Until we upend the conversation and start viewing it the other way around, we will never be able to come to the table together.

“But we’re not all like that!”

LGBTQ+

Not gonna lie, I’m sure I’ve said those exact words. Or, more specifically, I’ve muttered them at my computer screen, whispered them to God late at night in bed, and thought them angrily in my head while listening to people preach. Up until a couple of years ago, I didn’t dare speak them out loud, because to do so would mean to lose the people I hoped to help move toward change.

I admit, I’m not a huge fan of Dan Savage, but I credit him with saying something that made me take notice. He said Christians should stop hiding behind “not all like that” (I’m paraphrasing here). He specifically meant in regard to support of LGBTQI people, but I think it applies just about everywhere that -isms reside. We can’t just sit silently or straddle fences; if we’re against oppression, then we need to do something about that. (Honestly, I could just shorten that to “Fuck living in the tension.” If I never hear that phrase again, I will die happy. It strikes me as a way of trying to have one’s cake and eat it, too. Just be honest, dammit–if you’re truly anyone’s ally, spell it out; otherwise, keep your yap shut.)

Anyway, that’s not my point, really. What I want to write about is the people who wear their “Not All Like That” gold star as a way of silencing people. I’ve actually found, over the years I’ve been at this blogging thing, that Not All Like That is really code for, “I don’t approve, but I’m going to be nice anyway.” These are not hidden allies who are scared to speak up; they’re people who still believe they have the right to treat people as issues to fight over. More often than not, it’s people who are still stuck in an endless loop of “love the sinner, hate the sin” and “it’s the same as any other sin, like being a drunk” (heard that one more times than I can count at this point). My personal favorite is, “Well, I’m wired to want to cheat on my wife; you’re wired to like people of the same sex–let’s both work on our issues.” Yech.

An exchange between friends this morning prompted me to think about the ways in which some Christians continue to deny that there’s anything wrong because they aren’t participating in the worst of it. There were some words traded back and forth about whether or not the Church has chosen to fixate on the wrong problems in the world. I had a distinct impression of excusing religiously-based heterosexism because it’s not as bad as hate speech.

This is just an alternate form of “not all like that.” I’m not sure where the idea comes from that the Church bears no responsibility for quite a lot of anti-gay obsession. A number of prominent organizations and preachers have had pretty vile things to say about LGBTQI people, mostly in public. There are still places one can go to be “cured” of the “homosexual lifestyle.” Friends have expressed grief that they’ve been shamed–sometimes publicly–both for being LGBTQI and for being an ally. It’s easy to see where the Church has gotten a reputation for spending more time and energy on fighting gay marriage than on resolving world hunger (or hell, even hunger in our own country).

At the same time, there’s this new wave of “moderate” Christians who want to distance themselves from what they perceive as the truly evil, while still maintaining a position in which they refuse to acknowledge people’s humanity. A fellow blogger has pushed every. single. one of my buttons by continuing to act as some kind of spokesperson for the Church of Not All Like That. She’s written on such cheery methods of “reconciliation” as hugging a gay person (at random? one we know personally? not sure here) and attending a gay pride parade for the purpose of observing the people there. (Just a bit of advice: Please don’t do that. Put that way, it dehumanizes people by making them sound like wild animals you’re visiting in their native habitat.) I’ve seen similar sorts of things across my Twitter and Facebook feeds, and it drives me up the wall.

Listen. I know you Not All Like That folks mean well; I really do. But please trust me when I tell you that LGBTQI people and their allies do, in fact, know the difference between patronizing them and actually loving them. Sometimes, when you have an established relationship, you can make this work. God bless and more power to ya. But when you are a random stranger on the Internet? Don’t. Just–don’t. The words, “But I love you anyway” should not come out of your mouth or your keyboard.

It’s easy to say you’re going to love a LGBTQI person (or hug them or stare at them at Pride or write precious things about how you care for them even though you “disagree” with who they are). I recommend against saying it, though. It’s a lot more important that you do it. Your LGBTQI friends and family don’t actually require your approval to be who they are, so telling them that you “love them anyway” is not likely to further that relationship. That isn’t acknowledging anyone’s personhood, it’s making you feel better for trying hard not to be a jerk.

I’m kinda done with the whole fence-sitting thing; I have been for a long time. I don’t bother trying to engage people in conversation so I can convince them to change their position. I used to be willing to go there, but not anymore. Honestly (and I apologize for this), I was making humans into issues. There was a point at which I truly wanted everyone to stand on what I believed to be the “right” side. What I want now is for people to just be honest. I’m not interested in making space for anyone at my table–I want a whole new table where people don’t need to ask for space. If don’t want to do that, then own it. Don’t pretend you’re honoring the full humanity of others while still refusing them a seat.

Notable News: Week of March 16-22, 2013

Blogs, Cool Stuff, Links, News

It’s been quite a week. The big things have been the Steubenville case in the news and Spiritual Abuse Awareness Week on the blogs. There’s been lots of other good stuff as well. Here are some highlights:

1. On Steubenville

I don’t think I need to rehash the verdict. What had me ready to reach through my computer screen and throttle people was the horrifying response. First, the judge warned the teens about the use of social media. Really? Social media is at fault here? And also, nothing about “how you treat women who can’t consent to sex with you” was apparently not something he felt he needed to address; too busy admonishing them for their use of social media, I suppose.

When he sentenced the boys, Judge Thomas Lipps urged all those who had followed the case “to have discussions about how you talk to your friends, how you record things on the social media so prevalent today and how you conduct yourself when drinking is put upon you by your friends.”

Meanwhile, news outlets were also active in their campaign for worst response. Fox, MSNBC, and CNN all ran the name of the victim. I think CNN wins this round, though, for lamenting that the rapists’ lives were ruined by the guilty verdict:

“What’s the lasting effect though on two young men being found guilty juvenile court of rape essentially?” Crowley wondered.

“There’s always that moment of just — lives are destroyed,” Callan remarked. “But in terms of what happens now, the most severe thing with these young men is being labeled as registered sex offenders. That label is now placed on them by Ohio law.”

“That will haunt them for the rest of their lives.”

As well it should, Candy Crowley. As well it should.

Be sure to check out this excellent response from Christianity Today on rape and human dignity.

2. On spiritual abuse

The Spiritual Abuse Awareness Week link-up has been going on this week. You can read everyone’s stories at the following pages:

Day 1: Hosted by Hannah Chellase at Wine and Marble

Day 2: Hosted by Joy Bennett at Joy in this Journey

Day 3: Hosted by Shaney Irene at Faith-Filled Thoughts from the Front Porch

If you can only read one of these, make it Shaney’s from today. The topic is why we need to care about spiritual abuse.

Simultaneously, Elora Nicole has been posting about abuse all week, and Rachel Held Evans has been hosting a week-long series of guest posts and interviews about different kinds of abuse (and frequently the way they intersect).

If you have been spiritually abused and need a safe place to find hope and healing, I urge you to check out this web site.

3. On homophobia and progressive Christianity

One of the reasons that I identify as a progressive Christian but refuse to identify with the progressive Christian movement is that I don’t always find myself in alignment with other “progressives” in areas of importance to me–chiefly, feminism and LGBT issues–and how churches need to grow on those points. (For example, I don’t think it’s right for old, white, heterosexual cis-men to sit around thinking up ways to “make room” at their table for people who are not old, white, heterosexual cis-men.) I also find that progressives have this strange attitude that refusing to tolerate bigotry is somehow not in line with the goal of tolerance.

Anyway, for all of those reasons I was very interested in what Kristin Rawls, a fellow writer I follow on Twitter, had to say about her interview with folk singer Michelle Shocked. It’s quite a read; I suggest you click the links in the article for some background on the situation.

Since the news of her antigay rant went viral, Shocked has issued a public mea culpa of sorts. It’s probably significant to note that 10 of 11 of the shows on her tour have been cancelled since. I read it as an unprincipled attempt to placate LGBT people -– note that she says she supports tolerance, not acceptance, and that she’s calling for LGBT people to tolerate the people who trample on our rights. Anyone acquainted with post-evangelical faux-progressive Christianity
has heard it all before.

4. On having fun with my words

A couple of weeks ago, I was tweeting about an evangelical novel I was reading that had some…interesting views on spiritual warfare. One of my followers made an off-hand comment about the “royal family of Hell,” and it sparked something in me. This week’s fiction on my other blog was inspired by that tweet.

The real reason for Lucifer’s disquiet was the fact that his daughter refused to tell him which demon she had ensnared. She had remained silent, and no amount of demanding, pleading, or wheedling would draw it out of her. It was both maddening and worrisome.

He suspected she had gotten herself involved with a junior demon far below her station as Princess of Hell and was appropriately ashamed to admit it.

Have a great weekend, folks!

Notable News: Week of March 1-8, 2013

Cool Stuff, Links, News, Odds 'n' Ends

It’s International Women’s Day! How are you celebrating?

Here are some of the articles and posts I enjoyed this week. Read them with your favorite woman.

1. On the importance of girls

This post is from more than a year ago, but Princess Free Zone shared it again today on Twitter. It means just as much now as it did then.

Sadly, around the world, girls are undervalued, underestimated, uneducated, used, abused, and ignored. Research shows that the plight of girls is directly linked to many of the world’s problems like hunger, economic disparity, and disease. Inevitably, helping girls and women in various ways can have a tremendously positive impact; one way to do this is through efforts to improve education.

2. On body image

I linked to this post by Jennifer Luitwieler in my own post yesterday, but here it is again in case you missed it.

When we hang so many hopes on one thing, one arbitrary, deeply powerful thing, expecting untold happiness from attaining the holy grail of physical perfection, we will be disappointed. Our bodies may look different, we may feel like we look amazing. But it won’t change our circumstances. It won’t make someone love us better or our families not be weird. Being skinny will not make us also rich or flawless.

Being skinny is not everything.

3. On the Jesus bridge

Reading this fantastic post by Addie Zierman, I found myself nodding in agreement. I, too, have had negative experiences with Christian “counselors” who offer pat answers about just needing Jesus. I, too, have listened to the testimonies of people who leave the impression that their lives did a rapid 180 rather than the truth of a slower turn.

Instead of looking into my eyes and seeing that I was fighting to hang on, she assumed that my doubt and pain and struggle was symptomatic . She assumed it pointed to a faith that had never been there, and so she sent me back to the beginning to take a first step toward God.

But the truth was that it wasn’t a broken faith at all. Just the normal middle of things.

4. On being an angry feminist

I love this excellent response from Sam Ambreen to yet another shameful post over at Good Men Project. Not surprising that GMP has included a woman stroking the egos of the “nice guys,” unfortunately.

I have every right to hold patriarchy responsible for the ways in which it controls women. Unfortunately the patriarchy is mostly made up of men. I am angry but there is love in my life. It surrounds me and supports me. Anger at the patriarchy is one of my redeemable features and shock horror; there are men that get why! And totally dig it.

5. On “good” racists

I constantly have to check myself because I know that as a person with privilege, I’m in danger of ignoring that privilege. I don’t want to be the “good racist” in this post who refuses to believe that such things exist.

The idea that racism lives in the heart of particularly evil individuals, as opposed to the heart of a democratic society, is reinforcing to anyone who might, from time to time, find their tongue sprinting ahead of their discretion. We can forgive Whitaker’s assailant. Much harder to forgive is all that makes Whitaker stand out in the first place. New York is a city, like most in America, that bears the scars of redlining, blockbusting and urban renewal. The ghost of those policies haunts us in a wealth gap between blacks and whites that has actually gotten worse over the past 20 years.

6. On making Satan proud

This is an incredibly heartbreaking story that should remind us just how important it is to make sure that we are holding churches, pastors, and leaders accountable not only for their own abuse of congregants but for their failure to take action when it’s warranted. Of course we want churches to be places filled with grace; but not at the expense of terrified 14-year-old girls. John Shore explains why he posted this:

I’m running this comment as a post for two reasons. The first is because if I have learned anything in this world, it’s that people—particularly if they’re trying to communicate an injustice visited upon themselves or anyone else—need to be heard. When you’ve been traumatized an affirmation of your trauma by others can spell the difference between salvation and desolation. I have no idea who has or hasn’t read this girl’s story. But having read it myself robbed me of any excuse for not making at least some effort to ensure that more people read it.

7. On speaking about spirtual abuse

Dianna Anderson writes a great response to Matt Appling (of The Church of No People) regarding his series of posts on spiritual abuse. As she rightly points out, co-opting the term is inappropriate and diminishes the suffering of those who have been abused by people in spiritual authority.

Appling suffers from a common malady that afflicts a lot of white male evangelicals – not bothering to research the actual definition of the terms they’re using, and predicating entire ideas on a misunderstood definition.

8. On God-centered shame

Elora Nicole’s post on how words mean things delves into the worrisome teaching that shame is godly because it leads to repentance. When we make words mean what they don’t mean, even ancient words in foreign languages, we risk presenting a false gospel that isn’t filled with grace.

“I still don’t see how they relate.” I said. “Grief is not shame. Sorrow is not shame. When I feel shame, I believe lies. Grief and sorrow are healthy emotions. Shame is not. Shame is negative. Shame speaks lies.”

9. On environmental impact on sexuality

I get fairly sick of hearing about how one’s childhood experiences must have “turned them gay.” I’ve found that the people who say that must not know a lot of gay people. Or a lot of people in general, actually. I don’t really know if I think that this particular cartoon by Naked Pastor is necessarily logical, but it did make me smile and wish I could say this to anyone who thinks they can explain why someone is gay.

I’m okay with theories. If they work. When they no longer work it’s time to dispense with them. The number of theories out there attempting to explain away the vast array of orientations out there are just that: an attempt to invalidate them.

10. On my fiction blog

This week’s story is about unresolved sexual tension. Kind of.

Whatever it was, Kay found nearly everything about Devon maddening. She disliked his booming laugh, his boastful reenactments of his weekend activities, and his assertions that the team would fall apart without him. She even disliked his obnoxious printed ties—even if she did have to admit they suited him. Kay’s least favorite thing about Devon was the fact that he always looked good, no matter how horrid his ties.

Have a great weekend, everyone. Go celebrate a woman you love!

Notable News: Week of January 5-11, 2013

Cool Stuff, Links, News, Odds 'n' Ends

Howdy, all! Here is my first Notable News of 2013. Lots of good stuff this week. Enjoy!

1. The best post I’ve read all week

Dani Kelley writes with aching honesty about herself and her body image. This is a must-read for absolutely every person who has ever struggled. Okay, this one is actually from last week. But since I didn’t do a Notable News, I get a pass on not highlighting it until now. You all, on the other hand, have no excuse for not going and reading it this very minute.

2. Beauty and Hate

Seth Haines also delivers a big dose of honesty in his post about riding the bus, the beauty of kindness, and the ugliness of hate.

3. Meghan O’Keefe on victim blaming

In the ongoing discussion surrounding the rape of an Ohio teen, Ms. O’Keefe gives an articulate summary of what is wrong when people engage en masse in shaming the victim of assault. The best line from this post is,

Men and women alike can not excuse rapists behavior because the victim was “asking for it” because being raped literally means the victim was not asking for it.

It’s too bad we have the need for people like Ms. O’Keefe to write these words.

4. While we’re on the subject of victim blaming…

It starts early, this trend of blaming victims for what happens to them. This dreadful “study” that reveals that bullied kids have social issues is probably one of the worst pieces of crap and victim blaming on a non-rape subject. The recommendation seems to be to get bullied kids to act “normal” rather than making sure that the bullies learn how not to victimize kids that seem different to them. I don’t know, I kinda think that if we made sure that “socially awkward” kids felt safe, they might not need special lessons on their behavior.

5. John Piper comes across as an ass

Sigh. Just when I thought we might be making some progress, Piper has to open his mouth again in a bizarre and misguided attempt to clarify something stupid he said 4 years ago. Unsurprisingly, he didn’t make it better. But don’t take my word for it. Read this piece by Dianna Anderson and this one by Sarah Moon (who includes a link to the video).

6. Two excellent pieces on transphobia

I will admit my privilege here: I didn’t know that Suzanne Moore had made these remarks. Obviously, not only are these two posts informative, they remind me that I need to make sure that I’m aware of both the way I use language myself and the ways that often-ignored people have language used against them.

7. A great response to what horrifies us

In the wake of the tragic gang rape and death of the woman in India, this post is an excellent outpouring of the rage and grief we feel over human suffering.

8. A step forward in reconciliation

If it were up to me, there wouldn’t even be a debate anymore. LGBT people would be fully included in the life of every church, without any expectation that they would either remain celibate or change their orientation. I know that’s a long way off, though, so whenever I see movement in the right direction, I am hopeful. If you haven’t read it, take a look at this honest, generous post by Sammy Adebiyi. Then go read this one by Registered Runaway. I dare you to make it through without coming face-to-face with what grace really is.

9. Another honest story

For another perspective related to the above, read this beautiful piece by My Silent Half. If we could listen to each other, we might be able to move beyond debate and into grace. It’s going to take a lot of this kind of personal reflection for us to really hear what’s being said. Are you open?

That’s it, folks. Have a great weekend and I’ll see you on the other side.

My Gag Reflex Is None of Your Business

What safe space?

“But we’re not all like that!”

Notable News: Week of March 16-22, 2013

Notable News: Week of March 1-8, 2013

Notable News: Week of January 5-11, 2013

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