A.M. Leibowitz

queer slice-of-life stories

links

In case you missed it…

Links, News, Odds 'n' Ends, Writing

It’s been a busy week here. Maybe yours has been too. I’m wrapping it up with the highlights from my blog.

Tuesday, I re-released my short story, Pink in the Mirror. Formerly published with Torquere, it’s now all on its own.

Purchase links:

Amazon | Kobo | Scribd | Inktera | iTunes | Barnes & Noble

Wednesday, I offered a snippet of one of my current works-in-progress. The giveaway for Pink in the Mirror is now closed, but you can still read the post.

Thursday, I announced an open call for guest posts and reviews, whether by name or anonymous.

I’ve also done some re-organizing of my blog. You can find the quick links for everything here.

On Saturday, I’ll be back to sharing from my various LGBTQIA-themed work for Rainbow Snippets. You can read past entries here.

Next week, I’ll be resuming reviews and sharing about what I’ve been reading this week. You can see previous posts here or use the form to request a review. FYI, I no longer review much romance or erotica unless it’s atypical of the genres. But hopefully other readers will submit their reviews of those.

Have a great weekend, all!

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Notable News: Week of February 2-8, 2013

Links, News

This week was full of great posts about the Super Bowl, sex, and sex and the Super Bowl.  What more could a person ask for?

1. On objectifying language

Dianna Anderson does a great job summarizing the problems with the use of words and images that reduce women’s existence to that of male plaything.  She says,

The message we’re continually bombarded with is “women exist not for themselves but for the pleasure of men.” It’s the definitive male gaze.

I usually suggest staying away from the comments on blog posts unless one wants to either experience rage or contribute constructively, but in this case, go ahead and read them.  There’s more good stuff in there.

2. On objectifying ourselves

Sarah Moon does a phenomenal job of explaining the difference between women as objects to sell products and women dressing (and performing) in ways that make us feel empowered.  Best quotes:

Men are often seen as more human, as REAL men when they are sexual, while women are accused of objectifying themselves.

Objectification does not happen when a woman like Beyoncé decides to use her sexuality to be powerful. Objectification happens when Audi commercials show a teenaged boy kissing a teenaged girl without her permission and displaying that as bravery.

Amen and amen, Sarah.

3. On Beyoncé’s performance

I saw a boatload of Facebook statuses and tweets about how inappropriate Beyoncé was during her halftime performance.  But I saw just as many great blog posts defending her.  Here are some of the best:

4. On “impromptu sex week”

I’m borrowing the term from something Preston Yancey tweeted last night in the process of collecting various blog posts on the subject.  (Not to mention the fact that, well, that honestly just sounds pretty good in general, doesn’t it?)  In addition to Preston’s own two posts on purity culture and virginity, as well as the ones I linked in last week’s news, there have been several other good ones:

And of course, my own 3 posts this week on masturbation, two of which were linked by Slacktivist in this post (a nice summary of the purity culture posts over the last couple of weeks).

5. On my other blog

I started a second blog, because this one just isn’t the place for fiction.  But I write some of that, too, so I thought, Why not?  The plan is to put something new up there about once a week.  There are three this week, because I just started it last Saturday.  You can read the introductory post, my first story, and my guest post for Tim Gallen on there.  Be sure to check out the page for guest posts, because I would love to feature your writing!

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Notable News: Week of January 26-February 1, 2013

Cool Stuff, Links, News

Happy February, everyone!  There is thick, fluffy snow coming down outside my window as I put this post together.  What’s the weather like where you are?

Here’s this week’s round-up of the great and not-so-great.

1. On Mark Driscoll

This post is a great summary of what is wrong when a leader crosses a line.  I won’t stop posting, linking, and re-blogging until people wake up and stop following this man just because they think he has a few good things to say.  His behavior–and many of his words–are inexcusable.

2. On being a scandal

Have I mentioned lately that I love Registered Runaway’s blog?  Probably, but it bears mentioning again.  I loved this post, I am a Scandal in the Evangelical Conscience.  We all have different circumstances, but I think many of us can relate to being square pegs in the church–especially when it comes to things that are easily attached to guilt and shame.  How many of us are there who hid (or are hiding) in the shadows, afraid that something is fundamentally wrong with us?

3. On being thin

Trigger warning: disordered eating.  This is a heart-wrenching and vivid piece on the way we see ourselves.  Although I have never been diagnosed or treated for an eating disorder, I have had a life-long struggle to accept my body.  I can’t think of even one single woman in my life who hasn’t fixated on her weight in one way or another.  Haven’t we done enough damage?  It’s time for it to stop.

4. On refusing to be silent

Women are often told that the best way to stop misogyny is to ignore it and not engage with it.   But when we speak against the systems that marginalize and degrade people, we are not “fighting hate with hate.”  We are not yet on a level playing field.  We need to point it out so that people know what misogyny is and what it does.  Read through the #silentnomore tweets for more courageous women speaking up and for more examples of how women are bullied online just for being women.

5. On how women are not a monolith

I love this, because as a woman I struggle much more to write believable women than men.  I can’t explain why this is other than perhaps the cultural ingraining of men as the default.  The thing is, though, I know some men who write absolutely wonderful, strong women who embody real feminism to me.  So why can’t I do it?  I don’ t know.  Possibly a deeper question to ask is, why do I enjoy writing from a male perspective?  It might not be a simple matter of being able to write better women but wanting to write them.

6. On labeling writers

And speaking of a similar subject, this is a great post by Andi Cumbo on how who we are informs our writing but doesn’t define it.  I love this, because I have long struggled with the ways in which I’ve felt confined by the expectations that I should write a certain way because of my faith.  It’s freeing to know that the things I value most–equity, generosity, kindness, justice–can be as much a part of my writing as they are a part of my faith journey without having to be couched in religiosity.

7. On being damaged goods

Sarah Bessey is just marvelous, and this post is no exception.  This is what freedom and grace look like.  For anyone struggling today, I urge you to read this with an open heart and let her words wash over you.

8. On TMI

Be sure to click the links in this post by Fred Clark.  They are well worth the time it will take to read them.  I usually suggest people avoid the comments sections, but this comment on John Shore’s blog (linked in Fred’s post) says it all when it comes to “differences of opinion”:

It’s not about a difference of opinion on a level playing field but about you having the right to live a fully expressed life while denying me the right to do the same.

9. On getting creative in the winter

Just for fun, here’s a link from last Thursday.  I can only imagine what would happen if such a sculpture appeared in my neighborhood.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

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Sex is not a magical unicorn, part 2

Sexuality and Gender, Women

Warning: This post contains stuff about sex. Specifically, women and sex. If you’re prone to blushing, don’t read it. Or do and just don’t tell anyone. Or go read 50 Shades of Grey and then pretend you didn’t.

So, the other night, I checked out the documentary Orgasm, Inc. on Netflix. (For the record: It’s not about porn. Also for the record: I wouldn’t have watched it if it had been.) Let me tell you, I had no idea that there was this entire medical thing going on where women are being told that they are “sexually dysfunctional.” Apparently, though, this really exists.

One of the reasons that has happened is that we’re all taught that sex is so special and awesome and fabulous, but we have no idea (outside of the basics) about how it really works and what’s normal. Or, at least, we don’t know what’s normal for women.

That isn’t surprising to me. Up until fairly recently, in all areas of health and medicine, research was based on men. One glaringly obvious example is symptoms of a heart attack. It turned out, after some research that actually involved women for a change, that women don’t have the same symptoms as men. This is true in a lot of other ways, too. For years, even doctors didn’t know much about the female body and how it responds sexually.

Some years ago, the big statistic floating around was that 43% of women had some kind of sexual dysfunction. Now, if you’re like me, when you hear that you go, “Say what?” Because 43% sounds like either an epidemic or (more likely) the result of really shoddy research.

After that, the race was on to find a treatment. No joke, pharmaceutical companies invented everything from testosterone patches to pills to surgically implanted nerve simulators (yes, really). Not surprisingly, everything was fairly risky and there were no consistently observable benefits.

Guess why that was?

Maybe it was because 43% of women are not dysfunctional. We just don’t understand our own bodies. We don’t hear it from our mothers, who either don’t know themselves or are too embarrassed to talk about it. We don’t hear it at school, where teachers are prohibited from talking about anything but the basic mechanics. We don’t hear it at church, where 9 times out of 10 it’s either men dragging out tired phrases (“men are microwaves, women are crock-pots”) or little else besides “Don’t do it unless you’re married!” Along with that, advice for men on how to help their wives in bed isn’t, well, helpful. It ignores basic biology. I’ve seen everything, including claims (always made by men) that it’s “all in our heads” if we aren’t fully enjoying sex (FYI: It’s not). Even our husbands can’t really help!

So where are we supposed to learn about our bodies?

You know, I made it through adolescence, nursing school, and well into adulthood before I had any idea what was truly normal. And trust me, none of it lined up with anything I’d heard before. I’m guessing that this is probably true for the majority of the women who are “dysfunctional.”

If you have Netflix, I recommend the film. It was certainly enlightening. Because I don’t want to turn this blog into a lesson on Female Sexuality 101, I’m going to link to some great resources. Please don’t be put off just because there may be things you morally disagree with (such as whether or not premarital sex is sinful). Don’t throw out the stuff that you can use within marriage just because someone else chooses to use it outside marriage. Also, this is not just for women. Men, I promise that learning about your wife’s body isn’t going to lead you into some kind of porn addiction. Porn is really different from an anatomy lesson. Believe me, if you learn anything about women’s bodies, your wife will be thrilled. (Probably, if you’re married, your best bet is to read these things together so that you can talk about it.)

Innies & Outies: The Vagina, Clitoris, Uterus and More
Yield for Pleasure
Sexual Response & Orgasm: A Users Guide
Female Orgasm May Be Tied to ‘Rule of Thumb’
I can’t orgasm from intercourse and it’s ruining my relationship!
A Critic Takes On the Logic of Female Orgasm
CLIT-ICAL THINKING!
How To Find the Clitoris
You Can’t POP Your Cherry! (HYMEN 101)

Join me tomorrow when I wrap up with part 3, where we put this all together and consider how we can talk to our kids without fear that we’re inciting them to behavior we don’t condone.

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Robbing G-d

Giving, KidSpeak

I haven’t written much about my kids lately, so I figure this is as good a time as any. Besides, I’m much too tired at the moment to come up with a witty or piquant article on anything else.

The other day, we were all sitting at the breakfast table. I think this may have been the first time in a while. I’m not much of a morning person, which means that I’m only just barely functional most mornings when my husband is getting ready for work. The kids like to get up early, but not as early as their dad (most of the time), and J doesn’t have to be at the bus stop until 8:45. But for whatever reason, we were all up early enough to enjoy breakfast together.

My husband had his phone out and was checking out a couple of blog posts that had come up in the previous few days. One of them was this gem of a cartoon from Naked Pastor:

Since my husband and I mostly have the same friends on social sites but radically different taste in blogs, we don’t usually share with each other. But my husband really enjoyed that particular cartoon. He leaned across the table to show me. Naturally, the kids were curious and wanted to see it. Seeing no harm, my husband showed them.

As one might expect, they didn’t exactly get it, at least not the way it was intended. My husband, always the teacher, asked what they thought it meant. J said he thought the driver of the car was selfish. But it was S’s reply that struck me. She said, “That man is a robber.”

I believe she thought maybe he had robbed a bank and was in trouble, but I heard layers in her words. I thought about what it meant to be a robber, and how it doesn’t just mean actively holding up a convenience store. We can rob G-d in hundreds of ways. We can withhold our money, certainly, as in the cartoon. But we can also withhold our time and our other resources.

I don’t just mean that we don’t spend enough time praying and reading the Bible. I suppose that’s likely to be true, but prayer and Bible reading are emphasized enough at church. I mean that we fail to give our time making a difference. We talk a lot about how we can do small things that take little time, like donating supplies or even writing a check to support a missionary. And those are great things to do. But we limit ourselves when that’s all we expect. I don’t doubt the impact of little things, but the little things should be just the beginning.

My hope is that my kids can grow into the kind of people who give of themselves beyond money, beyond the small stuff. Of course I hope they make a difference with the small things, but I also hope that those tiny impacts lead to a desire to do more. Not out of a sense of obligation, or a belief that they are earning brownie points in heaven (or even heavenly treasure). It should be born out of love for G-d, love for other people, and a desire to see G-d’s will be done here on earth as it is in heaven.

Darn. I guess I couldn’t just stick to a cute story about the kids after all.

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