Marriage Equality

A love letter

I had something else in mind to write for today, but, as sometimes happens, things changed. Today, I’m writing a love letter to my friends and family.

Dear Ones,

I was just about to write my blog post when I happened to get distracted by Facebook (I know you’re all shocked by this). It took me a minute, and then I saw that my timeline was exploding with the news that DOMA is dead. I can’t tell you how happy this makes me and how proud I am of all the people who have put time and effort into making this happen.

I know, I know. There are some really sad things happening too, and we shouldn’t forget that there are still forms of bigotry in this country. We also need to acknowledge that, on some level, even this victory has a tinge of bittersweetness–it didn’t guarantee rights for everyone, just those in the 12 states where marriage is already legal. Even so, I’m rejoicing with those who rejoice today.

Some of the people reading about the Supreme Court’s decision are going to say hateful, nasty things today. They might spill some of their own anxieties and their own prejudice onto you. They might talk about fighting to have the decision overturned someday. They might talk about how this country has stepped all over the “sanctity” of marriage, as though Marriage has been some unchanging, sacred entity for all of human history. I’m sorry; it’s not right for people to behave like playground bullies when they don’t get their way.

The thing I think people fail to realize is that marriage isn’t a zero-sum game. Your victory doesn’t take anything from anyone else. In fact, I would argue that it makes it stronger. It doesn’t make anyone’s religion or religious ceremony invalid, either. I always find it sort of funny when people talk about things cheapening or demeaning marriage because it’s a holy institution created by God. Sounds like a denial that non-Christians get married all the time and that many same-sex couples are Christians who value the religious sacrament of marriage.

You should also know (and you probably already do) that if you choose not to get married, your relationship is not less-than. It’s not a piece of paper or a government seal or an officiant’s signature or a federal benefit that indicates a commitment. People get married or don’t get married for all sorts of reasons. This just means that if you live in one of the states that recognizes marriage equality, you have some new options available to you. It means that in the future, people in other states will have those choices too.

Today, I will celebrate with you whom I love. I will offer virtual hugs to my loved ones too far away for an actual embrace, and I will continue to hold you in my heart. I will drink to your health and I will “like” your Facebook statuses and read your blog posts. I will honor those who have worked tirelessly for this victory.

Tomorrow, I will get back to work fighting all the other injustice that still surrounds us.

Much love,

I support marriage equality

LGBTQ+, Social Justice

Just in case the title of this post wasn’t clear, or you haven’t ever read my blog before, I support marriage equality. There. I’ve said it twice now.

Yesterday, I had the unfortunate lack of sense to use Human Rights Campaign’s flashy red logo with the equals sign as my profile picture in several places. Yeah, my apologies to anyone I offended. I’m normally a person who does enough research to know whether something is a good idea. I had a pretty spectacular fail there, and I’m sorry. I have since changed it, of course, out of respect for others. Yes, it was hurtful to some people I care about, but I also care about not harming people who randomly follow me on the Internet. Kindness shouldn’t require personal connection.

Anyway, because I kept seeing people tweeting about the HRC logo, I did do some digging. Naturally, I came across some good information that explained the problem. Unfortunately, I also discovered several disappointing rants about marriage equality, and not from conservative religious people.

The main point of the anti-marriage rants wasn’t necessarily specific to same-sex couples marrying. It was more about marriage in general, and specifically marriage as it relates to family structure. The argument was that legal marriage perpetuates a certain type of family structure and is therefore discriminatory.

I don’t entirely disagree. I have long said that I think the government should just butt the hell out of marriage in general. Religious institutions can keep it as a sacrament if they want, but removing the legal stamp of approval would make it much easier on everyone. However, that has nothing to do with whether or not I think a certain type of family is “better” than another.

There are a few reasons why I still support marriage equality, despite the fact that I don’t think a legal document should be necessary. First, the way the law is written, there are literally dozens of legal benefits to marriage. It’s a worthy goal to strip those away and make sure everyone has those rights regardless of a piece of paper, but that isn’t going to happen overnight. I think the place to start is by giving everyone the right to marry if they so desire. (And in case you were wondering, no, I don’t include children, pets, and immediate family members in that, but I do include multiple spouses; that’s a post for another day.) I think marriage equality is a temporary patch, but a necessary one.

Second, I think arguing against marriage from a family structure point of view is on shaky ground. Even though the argument is intended to sound like it isn’t heteronormative and biased toward procreation, it actually is. It should not be surprising that of the three anti-marriage arguments I read, two were written by white cisgender heterosexual parents with long-term partners–in other words, people who have the freedom to marry but have chosen not to. I concede that “marriage,” with all its varying definitions over the course of human history, has indeed been at least partly driven by procreation. However, that is not what marriage is; it’s only one of the things marriage can do. Claiming that marriage only legitimizes a two-parent family structure assumes that every married couple wants to parent, or that the potential for parenthood was their only reason for getting married. Should they not have bought into the system? Should they have remained unmarried because there were no children to be “harmed” by their lack of legal contract? It also assumes that there are absolutely no other family-related benefits to legal marriage other than making sure kids have two adults in the home.

Third, no one said that marriage equality is the last battle–or even the first one–toward an inclusive society. I have never heard that as an argument in favor of marriage equality. Maybe I need to read more, but I’ve never read anything in which someone tried to claim that if same-sex couples can marry, it will end all discrimination. But even if someone did say that, so what? Saying something doesn’t make it true, nor does it take anything away from protecting other rights. If one person wants to spend his or her time and money on marriage equality, why would that prevent someone else from making a different choice? As long as a person is not actively supporting discriminatory legislation, I don’t see the problem here. (I feel differently about whole organizations, though, especially when they claim to speak for a community. I certainly don’t want, say, Concerned Women for America suddenly claiming to support “women’s rights.”)

Finally, people want to get married. Couples everywhere want to get married, and not all of them do it because they know the secrets of the tax code. Not all couples need religion as their reason either. Since there are many, many people who want to be married, I support that. I support their right to have a legal document stating that they are married. I don’t really care what their reasons are for doing it; I just want the law to reflect their right.

I do understand why some people feel differently, but I still stand behind marriage equality. Not everyone will choose to marry, but everyone should legitimately have the right to make that choice.

The election ate my soul

Faith and Spirituality, LGBTQ+, Religion

I had another post planned for today. It was written and scheduled. I have moved it because I feel that I need to address some things that were said to me this week.

I can take a lot. I spent many years in school being victimized by my peers; that doesn’t happen without leaving a person either heavily scarred or pretty tough or both. Don’t think I’m being thin-skinned here. I’m not against push-back on what I write, either, and I generally leave comments on my posts intact even if they’re not very nice. (I recently deleted a few for being racist, but that’s about it.) Still, every now and again, someone says something (or writes it, in this case) that hits a nerve.

Yesterday, I posted to my Facebook page several things that I was glad had happened during the election. Among them were the addition of 3 more States with marriage equality (and a fourth that prohibited a ban being added to the State Constitution); many women being elected into office, including various minorities; and the ousting of the politicians who made disturbing comments about rape.

In response, several things happened. First, I had lots of people commenting positively, both on Facebook and via private message. Second, I had a few people become curious about my views, since many Christians disagree with me. Third, I had some extremely judgmental comments left on my page. It was the last that grabbed my attention, because the negative was far more over-the-top than the positive.

My immediate reaction was to find it funny. I honestly thought it was a joke when one person suggested I must not be a Christian and offered to pray for me. I mean, who even says that? There had been enough sarcasm going around all day that I wouldn’t have been surprised. Sadly, it turned out to be genuine. I re-read the thread and decided that maybe when I responded to another person (who had thrown baby killing in there, even though I hadn’t said even one word about abortion) it had been confusing. I replied only about marriage equality, choosing to ignore the baby-killing remark; perhaps I had been misunderstood. That proved not to be the case either.

Still, I was trying to see the humor in the situation. My husband and I generated a list of the top 10 reasons why I’m probably going to burn eternally, and I suggested creating an online sign-up sheet so people could choose a time to pray for my soul. I even tweeted about it, joking about eating devil’s food cake and reading Harry Potter.

After some thought, though, I realized that calling me a non-Christian for my support of marriage equality is unwarranted. It’s not any other person’s job to determine whether I’m Christian enough. Not only that, I’m hardly alone in my beliefs. I didn’t develop my views in a vacuum.

I decided to sleep on it rather than responding with inappropriate actions or angry words. Morning brought a new perspective that I’m ashamed to admit I hadn’t been considering. A little voice whispered to me, You’re not the one being hurt.

It’s true; I’m not. When it comes down to it, I can ignore the hurtful things and the judgment because in the end, I sit here in my place of privilege. It doesn’t bother me so much that one person said a hateful thing to me, because ten other people said loving things. It doesn’t bother me that one person made an accusation, because another friend send me a beautiful, gentle, and loving message (even though we don’t agree on the issue).

The people being hurt are my LGBT brothers and sisters. If I am accused of not “knowing the Lord” just for supporting marriage equality, how much more judgment does that person have on people in same-sex relationships? If I have Scripture thrown at me to show my error, how much more are my LGBT friends and family being beaten with the Bible? Someone like that is simply not a safe person.

I understand that many of my friends won’t be convinced to share my perspective on this; I will never again share theirs, either. But the unloving words don’t do anything to further relationships. It becomes all about speaking of people’s lives in the abstract and passing judgment on one another’s faith.

To my dear friends and family who replied to me via text or private message: I love and appreciate you. Your kind words meant a lot to me yesterday. I am glad that even though some of us don’t agree, we can still share together and learn from each other. For those who pray, let’s pray for each other that our friendship grows and that love grows. I think that’s something we can all agree on.

To those who called me a baby killer, made racist remarks, and suggested I’m not a Christian: I honestly don’t need you to pray for my eternal soul, thanks. I have a feeling your thoughtless and unkind words yesterday were fueled not by anything I did but by your bitterness over the election. I hope that your anger diminishes, but don’t count on having much of a relationship with me.

To my LGBT friends and family: Much love to you. You know where I stand, and that’s all that matters to me. I’m not going to back down—I will continue to stand with you. If it’s okay, I will pray for you to be surrounded by kind, generous people and to have loads more love in your lives. I’m blessed to know you.

May the coming weeks bring perspective for all of us that we might once again come to the table together, leaving all bitterness aside. Peace be with you all today.

The married elite

LGBTQ+

I found out recently, the way one sometimes does, that a casual acquaintance had gotten married. She didn’t mention it the last time I ran into her over the summer. That’s perfectly fine, of course. No one is under any obligation to divulge any information to others if they choose not to do so. I have no idea why she didn’t tell me. Perhaps she’s an intensely private sort for whom those matters are personal. Maybe her mind was on other things and she was distracted. Possibly she thought I already knew. Whatever her reasons, she wasn’t going out of her way to fill me in on the details of her life.

When I found out, I briefly wondered if she didn’t say anything because she had married another woman. I felt bad that she might have thought I would react negatively. It’s also possible that she was tired of having people impose heteronormative ideas on her about the person she’d married (as in, “Oh, who’s the lucky guy?”). As I said, I really don’t know her reasons (we only know each other through mutual friends, and she isn’t required to tell me anything). It reminded me how much privilege I have.

In most situations, when one ties the knot, it’s a pretty big deal. Even the people I know who had lived together for years before their wedding were thrilled to announce that they’d obtained a state-sanctioned contract. When I got hitched, I didn’t have to gauge anyone’s reaction. I was free to show off my ring and tell anyone who would listen.

I also didn’t have to worry that my job working with children was in jeopardy because of my sexuality (yes, this has really happened). I could show up to my reunion at my (conservative) Christian college with my family, introduce them around, and not fear negative reactions. Heck, I could even have skipped the reunion without wondering if my classmates were going to gossip about my “lifestyle” (yep, that’s happened too). My marriage is not only legally recognized in my state, but if I move anywhere else, it’s recognized there, too.

That, my friends, is what privilege is.

And that is why I fight so hard for equality. I fight with my words and my votes and my actions. What I have shouldn’t be limited to me and people just like me. I want to live in a place where even a casual acquaintance is able to share her exciting news because she knows that the love she’s found is every bit as worthy of celebration as anyone else’s. I want to go to reunions and spend time with all the people I remember fondly, not just the ones who fit the expectations imposed on us.

As for the casual acquaintance that I mentioned above, I hope I run into her again. I hope I have the chance to tell her that our mutual friend shared her good news and that I am thrilled for her. I hope that, in some small way, I can be part of breaking down the wall of privilege that stands between us.

Notable News: Week of May 5-11, 2012

Cool Stuff, LGBTQ+, News, Politics

In this edition, I’m highlighting news related to Amendment 1 in North Carolina and the aftermath. Lots of great blog responses to the situation. And in other news: President Obama openly supports marriage equality!

1. Amendment 1 passes in North Carolina

The amendment, which defines marriage as solely between one man and one woman, passed on Tuesday. Because it also removed legal protection for other types of domestic unions, this could spell trouble for other relationships. Time will tell.

2. President Obama interviewed by Robin Roberts

In which the President confirms his support of marriage equality.

3. Awesome bloggers respond to the North Carolina vote and the President

Justin Lee of GCN gives this absolutely wonderful, grace-filled response, encouraging us to move beyond NC as a state full of hateful bigots.

Another inspired piece by Alise Wright, The Princess’s Dilemma, is a beautiful expression of why this hurts. My favorite line:

Attribution to my husband, who I got to fall in love with and marry without someone else voting on whether that was okay. [emphasis mine]

Nadia Bolz-Weber makes it personal in a post about a coffee house, a friend, and what it means that some people are told their love isn’t real.

Kathy Baldock expresses her outrage at the North Carolina vote and her support of President Obama’s statement.

Cheryl Contee gives some good advice in How to Talk to Your Christian Black Relatives About Obama & Same-Sex Marriage.

Rachel Held Evans is tired of the Culture War and tells us why.

Marriage equality: a game of apples and oranges

LGBTQ+, Social Justice

After Tuesday’s vote in North Carolina, there’s been a lot of tension. I’ve seen it among my friends and on social media. It’s on blogs and in the news. It’s understandable, it feels like a huge blow and a step backwards. My prayers are with the people of NC that this won’t be the end of the conversation.

One thing I’ve seen, though, that troubles me is the comparisons being made. The fight for marriage equality has been likened to the fight for the rights of African Americans. It bothers me for several reasons. These two issues are apples and oranges. Certainly, the fact that both involve human rights puts them, in some sense, in the same very broad category. But otherwise, this is not the same thing at all.

To compare these issues does a disservice to everyone involved. First, it makes it sound as though we have somehow arrived, that racism is a thing of the past. Even though we’ve come a long way, there is still more work to be done. Second, it makes it sound as though African Americans have no stake in marriage equality, as though there isn’t anyone who is both black and gay. Third, it blatantly ignores some very real distinctions. The ways in which people have been dehumanized based on race are not the same as the ways people have been dehumanized based on sexual orientation. Playing the comparison game is dangerous here, because it’s divisive rather than uniting. That doesn’t help anyone. Finally, it makes it seems as though the only reason gay people deserve rights is because black people have them, rather than because they deserve them on their own.

It’s that last one I want to address here. When we speak about marriage equality, gay rights, and the moral implications of homosexuality, our arguments must stand on their own merit. They cannot be based on what someone else has been given. Our arguments from the Bible cannot be based on what other laws we do or do not obey. We must examine Scripture, understand context, and reach a conclusion based on that, not on a convoluted set of rules about which things it’s okay to ignore. Otherwise, all we do is go all Dan Savage on the Bible and attempt in our human frailty to simply take out everything we want to label “bullshit.”

There are people a lot smarter than I am who have studied this stuff. They’ve come to conclusions about what they believe the Bible does and does not say about homosexual orientation and homosexual relationships. I urge you to look it up for yourself. And no, I’m not going to do the work for you. There’s plenty out there, start with a simple web search and a search of the books on Amazon or Barnes & Noble, then go from there. I spent literally years reading up on this stuff, talking with people, asking questions. I didn’t just suddenly wake up one day and think, Wow, gay people seem really unhappy that we Christians think they’re sinning. I guess the answer is to stop thinking they’re sinning. I had to do much more research than that, because it’s not an experience I’ve lived. If I do the work for you, you have an excuse to ignore me. If you do it yourself—and don’t stop the minute you disagree with what you’ve read—you’ll be more likely to make an informed decision of your own. Even if you continue to disagree, you’ll be doing it because you’ve examined things thoroughly from all sides.

For those of you who are already LGBT allies and have done this work, do me a favor: stop comparing. Let your arguments stand on their own. Don’t drag into it all the other things in the Bible that we ignore, or the ways you think this is similar to other human rights issues. Just like we don’t want the “slippery slope” to be the main argument against marriage equality, we don’t want it to be the main reason for it, either. Let it be its own issue. Each ism and phobia deserves its own consideration, independent of resolving the others.

Let’s keep this door open and continue to talk about these things.

The election ate my soul

The married elite

Notable News: Week of May 5-11, 2012

Let's Be Friends

Sharing

Tip Jar

Shopping Cart

Your Shopping Cart

Supposed Crimes Publishing

Beaten Track Publishing

More Content