New Year's Resolutions

No Resolutions, Only Goals

CW: Depression, anxiety, chronic pain/disability

I don’t do New Year’s resolutions.

It’s not because I’m against them. Hey, if they work for you, more power to ya. To me, they always feel like promises I won’t ever keep. They seem too big in the face of all the possible things that might make everything go sideways. There’s also usually an expectation that they’ll be body-related in some way: lose weight, eat “healthier,” exercise more, and so on. Those aren’t bad, but at least for me (and I suspect for many others) they end up making me feel like a worse person, not a better one. They’re on my list of “things which will inevitably trigger my anxiety.”

There are certainly other options, and I don’t doubt for some people, a New Year’s resolution is just the needed push to get going into a better and more productive year. I could commit to writing 1000 words a day or publishing 3 novels (oh, wait…I’m actually accomplishing that one) or submitting 6 short stories for anthologies or some other work-related promise.

I don’t want to do that, though. It doesn’t allow me to prioritize based on what’s right in front of me at the time, nor does it give me the flexibility to change direction if the plans are derailed or a big opportunity comes along. I lost a lot of ground planning too far ahead last summer, only to have my spouse develop pneumonia and spend a month less functional than I am on a bad pain/fatigue day. (This is not to berate him—it’s on me that I tried to do too many things which relied on everyone being perfectly healthy.)

So instead of resolutions, I have goals:

I’m participating in a book challenge, and I’m not pressuring myself to read every single thing on the list. The purpose isn’t to make me cry on Dec. 31, 2016 when I have 24 hours to read 10 books I didn’t get to. It’s to expand the kinds of things I’m reading (because let’s be honest, I’m a wee bit burned out on mostly reading various versions of m/m romance).

I’m re-evaluating what I write and why. This isn’t to say I’m going to stop writing lgbtqia lit. Not at all! But yesterday, a friend shared some profound wisdom with me: The best love stories start in the middle, after the happily ever after. That blew my mind. I struggle to write about new love/falling in love, and it never occurred to me that I don’t have to. Not only that, a love story isn’t always about romance; sometimes, it’s a different kind of love. What a freeing idea and a wonderful reason to emulate some of my favorite authors of mainstream lit only with a queer flair.

I’m going to be much more honest about my real self. Years ago, a dear friend wrote me a letter in which she encouraged me to “keep open house with my heart.” I don’t think I knew then what it meant. This week, two posts showed up on my Facebook feed which hit close to my own experiences. First, this one on concealed anxiety and then this one on helping someone with depression. I spend a lot of my time managing my anxiety, most of which is social-related (but also takes other forms). And while I haven’t been depressed since before I had children (I really do think the changes in hormones had an effect), there’s a lot of overlap with my current chronic pain and fatigue—which is why I went undiagnosed for some time. In fact, I get a lot of the same reactions (not “looking sick,” wondering why I can’t just muscle through the brain fog that leaves me confused and forgetful). Add in the way anxiety makes me think if I talk about it, I’m burdening everyone else (or that I’ll get more unsolicited advice for “fixing” it, which is actually really triggering)…well, it’s a recipe for more anxiety and therefore more brain fog because they feed off each other. But two dear friends, women I respect so much for their courage and honesty, have reminded me it is more than okay to acknowledge these struggles.

So that’s my upcoming year. How about you? Do you have resolutions or goals? I’d love to hear your thoughts.

In case you missed it, there’s still one more day to enter the giveaway for an e-book of your choice from my backlist (excluding multi-author anthologies). You can check out my Amazon page to see what’s in there.

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Guest Post: Decisions, Not Resolutions

Blogs, Guest Post, Life

Today’s guest post is brought to you by the letters Ad and Vil and the number 200(mg). Thanks to my kids, I have a cold with a scratchy throat and sinus headache. Thanks to James Prescott, you all get a fantastic blog post anyway. Enjoy!

Patrick Mackie [CC-BY-SA-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

Why I’ve made decisions for 2013, not resolutions

Many of us make new year’s resolutions. But usually, even by now, they are a thing of the past.

If we’re honest, resolutions never last do they?

Why?

Because we haven’t changed. We’ve not made a decision. We’ve not committed to anything. We’ve simply elected to stop doing something we were doing, or start doing something differently.

All of us, whether we know it or not, want to grow. To change. This is the impulse which drives new years resolutions. But simply resolving to change won’t make any difference.

If we really want to change this year, we need to get back to our core values. Those ideals which guide us. And we need to make decisions based on those values. Not set goals, but make decisions based on values.

For example, we could have a value of looking after our bodies, being healthy. So instead of just resolving to lose weight and eat healthier – which we all know is going to fall apart within a week or two – we make a decision, a commitment to regular exercise and healthy eating.

Instead of some vague promise or resolution, we’ve made a commitment.

We’ve made a decision.

And we must get accountability with close friends – the kind who will tell us what we need to hear, not what we want to hear – to ensure we keep to those commitments.

We may begin slowly, but because we’ve made a commitment, we are more likely to stick to it. Because we are changing a value, not simply making a resolution, we are more likely to change in ourselves.

This is how we can affect positive change in our lives this year. For example, here are the values/decision commitments I’ve made going into this year.

Have the value of respecting and loving myself – So many others respect me, value me and my gifts. I have a responsibility to look after myself, mind, body and soul. So this year I will take more care of my body by eating better, doing more exercise, and getting more good rest. I will take more care of my mind by reading more and studying the Bible more. I will take more care of my soul by spending more time with God.
Committing to honour the gifts God has given me – Steward my writing gift well by producing great work, by writing regularly, by investing in growing my writing gift and by shipping, putting work out there for others to be blessed
Deciding to respond to differently to temptation – when I am tempted to get angry unnecessarily, give into old/bad habits, comfort eat or be lazy, I will learn how to spot those moments and figure out how I can respond differently. How I can respond in a way which shows value and respect for myself and others, honours the gifts I have and honours God.
Learn the value of self-discipline and hard work – don’t become a workaholic or disciplinarian, but do choose to work hard, be professional and also exercise self-discipline in diet, exercise, writing, work and dealing with temptation.
Value others first & Choose to serve – I will choose to put others first, commit to learn to find joy in serving and preferring others, in listening and in giving.

I might not keep 100% to these. In fact, I probably won’t.

But because I’ve made a commitment to changing my values and decisions drawn from this commitment, I’m more likely to achieve real transformation.

I may slip up along the way, but unlike when we fail resolutions – where the first slip up means total defeat – I can pick myself up and learn from the mistakes. I still have those values and those decisions which I’ve committed to.

So how about this year, instead of resolutions, you go back to your values. Make a decision what values you want to live out in 2013, and make some decisions related to those.

Then by the time 2014 rolls around, you might find you’ve undergone some real change.

Are you ready to begin?

James Prescott is a writer & creative exploring how we find divine hope in the messiness of life. He blogs regularly at James Prescott.co.uk & is a regular guest blogger for several sites. Follow him on Twitter and Facebook.

Unresolved

Life

I don’t make New Year’s resolutions.

I don’t see the value in making year-long commitments to things just because the calendar has changed. I can see how it could have meaning for some people, and that’s fine. A new year can feel like a chance to start over. There are plenty of people who make (and keep) resolutions. As for me, I’ve never thought that it made any difference whether I act to change things in my life on New Year’s Day or on March 27th. It’s not the date that matters.

That doesn’t mean that I don’t start projects at the beginning of the year. In 2010, for example, I joined with a group of friends and family to read through the entire Bible in one year. I’m going to be doing the same thing again this year, on my own. But that’s more of a project than a resolution.

I suppose that one reason I don’t make those sorts of promises is that I always find that for me, they are motivated by momentum and “because it’s traditional.” I also think that a lot of the resolutions I used to make were made not from a genuine desire to change, but from a sense of obligation or a failure to see what I really needed to change. In other words, I might make a promise to change something “easy” or that I would have changed anyway without much effort, or something that I didn’t really need to change anyway. It kept me safe from having to make important changes in my life.

Just because I don’t make New Year’s resolutions doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t. Yesterday’s message at church was a good reminder of how to start the year making changes in the right way, a way that is healthy for us and puts God first. You can listen to the podcast here.

I don’t look at the new year as a chance to start over. I look at every new day as a chance to do the right thing, love others, and honor God. I intend to continue doing the same in 2012.

No Resolutions, Only Goals

Guest Post: Decisions, Not Resolutions

Unresolved

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