You know that thing where strangers on the Internet see fit to contact you privately to ask you random personal shit or say things to you they would never, ever say in an offline conversation?
Yeah, that.
I almost posted about this a year or so ago when I came out. I blogged about it (and would actually add like 10 things to that if I were doing it now), and within hours I had guys I thought were friends messaging some of the most disgusting things to me. This was on the level of “Does your wife know you do that shit?” One person sent me sexually explicit material. Another propositioned me. A third one offered me advice on how to…well, never mind. Several suggested my husband would find the whole thing “hot” and suggested threesomes.
Did I mention I don’t actually know any of these guys offline? They were all colleagues, either through writing or editing. I had worked with all of them and generally found them decent and trustworthy. I mean, that is until they saw fit to invade my personal space. I’m reasonably sure none of them would have made those remarks offline (or in the presence of their wives, who—hopefully—would have given them hell for it).
Fast forward to today. I happened to share a minor triumph with my younger child, which I’m not detailing here out of respect for her wish that I not blog about her. This was in a private group, and I gave no details there, either, other than a very brief bit about meeting with her school. I got a follow-up message in which a total stranger:
- Assumed she knew what our family is dealing with
- Tried to pass herself off as an expert
- Told me she knew the cause of the problem (which was not even the problem my child actually has)
- Offered to sell me products
Yes, really.
Now, it may seem like a really super great idea at the time to send messages to people you don’t know because, I dunno, it’s raining and it’s Friday and you’re bored at work, I guess. In reality, this is a terrible idea and you shouldn’t do it.
You’re possibly reading this and thinking to yourself, “But it’s perfectly reasonable to send those kinds of messages! What if that person really did want to hook up with me? What if I really am the expert on that child’s medical condition? What if they wanted to hook up and I’m an expert on their child’s health?”
Listen. I don’t mean to rain on your parade (nah, actually I do mean to). I have a limited number of people in my life who can say certain things to me unsolicited, even as a joke. One hundred percent of them are people I know offline.
It should probably go without saying (but apparently doesn’t) that if you do not know this person anywhere and happened to see their post—in a private group or in public—you should probably leave them alone. I know that’s a really difficult concept for some people, but I promise, everyone will be happier for it.
If you do happen to know this person, it’s helpful to ask yourself a few questions. For example, how well do you know this person? Would they like your advice? Have they given you the impression before that they would like to get to know you in the Biblical sense? If the answers to those are “not very well,” “no,” and “no,” you should leave them alone. If the answers are “very well,” “yes,” and “yes,” proceed with extreme caution.
If this is someone you are super close with, you do have a bit more flexibility. I mean, if my husband propositions me, I’m pretty likely to say yes. If my best friend offers advice, it’s usually from a place of caring and is part of a larger conversation in which I probably also feel heard. A stranger on the Internet? Not so much.
I know it’s pretty tricky to navigate online spaces. It can be so terribly hard to figure out if that stranger whose post you saw wants you to message them and invade their personal space. After all, social media is public: You just tweeted that to 800 followers! Of course you want them all flooding your inbox with messages, right?
Er, no. Not especially.
And that brings me to the last piece of this. If you can’t say it in the public place where the person originally posted, you are not invited to contact that person privately to say it. If I tweet something, feel free to tweet back at me. If I write a blog post, I welcome comments. I have public professional pages on several social media sites. Even on Facebook, I make some of my statuses public. If you can’t give me advice or ask for sexual favors in front of everyone, you might want to rethink whether I would like you to message those things to me privately.
At this point, you may be thinking, “But social media sites allow private messages! You have your settings so that people can contact you! If you care so much about your privacy, why do you even have it set so people can contact you? What are you expecting? You are obviously asking for it. That’s an open invitation!”
No, it really isn’t. Allow me to explain why I have my messages set so people I don’t know can contact me. Oh, wait—I don’t need to do that. It’s none of your damn business. See, here’s the thing. It’s not on me to stop other people from being assholes. It’s up to other people to use their common sense and figure out how not to be assholes.
Next time you feel tempted to hit “send” on that message to a complete stranger on the Internet, take a break, get up from your desk, and go get some fresh air. The world will be a better place for it.
