I had an exchange yesterday in which another mom referred to infant formula as being the “same thing” as breast milk. She meant nutritionally, but it still sounded silly to me. That’s like saying the nutritional supplement Ensure is the “same thing” as eating a meal of lean meat, whole grains and a salad. While I realize that in terms of raw nutrients that might have some truth to it, it is an odd thing to say. Don’t get me wrong; it’s a good thing we have nutritional supplements, just as it’s a good thing we have infant formula when it’s needed. But that’s the key: when it’s needed.
Anyway, this isn’t really supposed to be a discussion of breast vs. bottle. I realized that one source of those kinds of comments is the need many mothers have to be “right” about their parenting choices. I don’t just see it with feeding. There are endless debates about spanking, letting a baby cry himself to sleep, diapering, homemade or jarred baby food, education, and so on. No matter what we choose, someone else has a negative opinion about it–or, at least, we think they do. A lot of moms spend hours of time contemplating how they will justify their choices to another, disapproving woman, whether or not that woman actually disapproves.
In the end, I believe what’s needed is a more flexible way of thinking about mothering. I realize there are some clear lines one should not cross. Beating, molesting, and neglecting a child are not okay. But what difference does it really make what a mother does, if it’s done with love and bearing in mind what she believes to be in the best interests of her family?
