My husband and I just celebrated our 14th anniversary. Sometimes, I simply can’t believe how privileged I am to be married to my husband. That’s not to say we are perfect or that our relationship is perfect. I just can’t imagine life without this wonderful man by my side.
These days, marriage seems so expendable. We live in an age when so much of our lives can be used, tossed, and replaced. We have disposable dishes, razors, and diapers. We use pre-packaged consumables. Even our correspondence, such as texts and e-mails, can be readily eliminated at the stroke of a key. Sadly, we seem to be treating marriage the same way. Even more unfortunately, the church often seems to turn a blind eye.
I think part of the problem is that no one wants to hear the truth: Marriage takes work and it isn’t always going to be candy hearts and long-stem roses, and there are no easy solutions to making it work. We seem to want to have it all. We want romance, mystery, and passion. We want steady companionship. We want to read books on relationships and have everything fall into place. When those things don’t work out the way we were expecting, we tend to treat the relationship as just another item for the trash heap.
Those books on marriage don’t always help, either. They are often full of statements about what women or men are like, which may or may not match reality. I get very tired of hearing about what I, as a wife, am supposed to “need.” Often, my husband and I don’t see ourselves in those types of books or messages. One reason for that is that people are much more varied. It would be much more useful if the authors of advice for couples would recommend getting to know what your partner is actually like, rather than a generalization about “most” men or women. Al classic example of this would be the (in my opinion, highly outdated) Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. My husband and I used to joke that perhaps we were from both Mars and Venus, or possibly neither.
Another issue clouding marriage is the way Christians hold up a “Biblical” standard for marriage. Most marriage-themed messages focus on the concepts of submission, leading the family with love, and Proverbs 31. While none of those things are specifically bad, there is a certain underlying code which all good Christians are supposed to follow in their marriages. The problem is, no one seems to be able to actually translate the code into real-life terms. I can recall, when I was a teenager, asking some of the adults at church what an example of “submission” would be. I was told that it meant that if a husband had a “call” from God, the wife was expected to follow along and trust her husband. If she felt the call, on the other hand, then she was to “confirm” it with her husband and they could determine what to do. This has never been how my husband and I interact. If he tells me he is hearing God speak, I trust that—but the same holds true if I say it. When we need to make any kind of decision, we talk and share as partners. We are utterly equal in our relationship. This extends to everything, including household duties. It’s true I stay home with the kids, but this is more practical than traditional. He simply earns more money. Had it been reversed, I would have been the one working outside the home. Honestly, I think he would have loved being a stay-at-home dad.
In the end, I think what we need is not a more narrow, specific definition of the marital relationship. We need a broader vision of what it means to be partners in our homes. We also need to develop the desire to really know our partners, instead of relying on our own imaginings or those of the relational self-help authors.
