Why is it that we often feel the need to cover up things in our lives? I don’t just mean things we’ve done wrong. I mean parts of our personalities, things about who we are.
Far too many people have told me recently that they can’t be authentic in their interactions with others. They’ve been judged and found lacking. Those people I’ve talked to have come from inside the church, though I imagine it must happen elsewhere too. What keeps us from being ourselves and, more importantly, from letting others be who they are?
Last Sunday, our pastor made an offhand comment in his message about being open and transparent with people “strategically.” That struck me as strange. I don’t think this is exactly what he meant (at least I hope not), but it sounded like putting on a mask except when it will accomplish a goal to remove it. Talk about living an artificial life!
Mostly, it seems like we hide the parts of ourselves that don’t conform to some invisible standard. When we don’t meet (or believe we don’t meet) those expectations, we try to hide it. At the very least, we make sure that our public persona reflects what people want to see. I know I do it. I like to hope I’m a bit more open on my blog, and I’m certainly open with my closest friends. But there are a lot of people who don’t know what’s under the surface.
Case in point: Got a compliment from someone at church last Sunday. It was very nice that the person thinks I’m a fine, upstanding member. He’s apparently unaware of certain…affiliations I have outside of church. I doubt very much that he’d approve. Anyway, even though I would like to simply accept the compliment and move on, I can’t. And actually, for all I know, he has things he’s hiding because he believes others might condemn him. It makes me uncomfortable to think that even though I’m very active in the church, others don’t really know me. (The good news is, the ones who count do know me. This wasn’t someone who knows me well, just recognizes me because I’m fairly visible at church.)
So why, if so many of us are lamenting the fact that we feel a bit plastic at church, do we still insist on faking it? I’m willing to bet that this is where a lot of judgmentalism strikes. We judge others before they can get to us. If we blast them for things we perceive as being different or unacceptable, then maybe they won’t see what’s really inside our hearts.
What if we stopped judging and started being more honest? I don’t mean that we should tell complete strangers our life stories or vomit our drama all over everyone all the time. Obviously those aren’t brilliant plans. What I’m talking about is simply being who we are, without apology. We shouldn’t be made to feel ashamed because we belong to a certain political party or because we parent our children differently. We shouldn’t judge each other because of the books we read, movies we enjoy, or our recreational activities. We certainly shouldn’t have to change our personalities because we don’t meet an unattainable standard.
Admittedly, I have no idea how to start that. Maybe I’m making it too complicated, sort of that “strategic” transparency thing. I don’t want it to turn into some kind of formula or business model. How about if I just start with being real with my closest friends? That might just work. Hey, if they can’t handle me, then maybe we don’t belong together after all.
