What to do…what to do…

I am fully convinced that a lot of Christians have no idea what to do with lesbians.

No, really.

Every time I hear a sermon or message or read something that came out of a church publication, it’s always about what “caused” men to “turn gay.”  It’s all about having an overbearing mother, or daddy issues, or having been sexually abused, or whatever.  It’s also usually followed by some ranting which involves the typical stereotypes of gay men.  Nothing about lesbians, though.

So I wondered: Do these people even know any lesbians?

The only thing I ever hear about gay women is usually something along the lines of needing the right man to come along.  By that logic, I could become a lesbian if the right woman came along.  Well, as much as I’m sure that I’m God’s gift to lesbians everywhere*, that’s just not going to happen.

I can relate.  I used to be one of those people.  But at some point, I started to think that it didn’t make a whole lot of sense.  If having an “overbearing” mother turns men gay, then does the opposite work on women?  Or does the helicopter mother cause some weird desire in women to be dominated by another woman?  How come the absentee daddy thing makes men want each other, but makes women hate men**?  I kept thinking I must be missing something.

What’s missing is that this is all from the vantage point of straight men.  Of course I can’t relate to it or understand it.  All this time, I thought maybe it had to do with not knowing enough gay people, not knowing enough real stories of people’s histories and experiences.  But I’m pretty sure that’s not it.

Whoever started all the “theories” was/is threatened by gay men.  I’m not saying everyone who repeats the stupidity is feeling threatened (though it wouldn’t surprise me).  But the person or people who came up with those ideas in the first place almost certainly was.

It hasn’t escaped my notice that some men seem to have an unnatural fear that their masculinity is at risk somehow.  The reason that lesbians don’t fit into that narrow mindset is that they aren’t perceived as a threat.  After all, they must just need a man to change their minds.  (Not to mention how often two women getting it on is featured in erotica for men.)  The reason women aren’t bothered is that we don’t see our femininity as being in danger because another woman wants to wear flannel or eschew make-up or sleep with other women.

If I’m honest, I suspect that the reason this stuff gets recycled by the church is not because of a need for hypermasculinity.  It’s because many people want a social reason to back up what they read in Scripture.  Many Christians feel like they are fighting a losing battle, holding onto a belief in the sinfulness of homosexuality in a world perceived as embracing it.  So the need to defend the position grows, and the need to have reasons beyond the Bible with it.  This is especially true given the number of young people coming out, and the age at which many people discover their sexual orientation.  If Christians can reach into the family atmosphere to explain things, then they can prove it’s not innate.

Repeating unproven theories developed by men with an emasculation complex isn’t useful.  Reciting tired bullet points from other people’s sermons effectively stops the dialogue.  It’s a great way to put our fingers in our ears and sing, “La, la, la, I can’t hear you” when LGBT folks try to speak.  It’s also a good way to deny the existence or needs of gay women.  We need to do a lot more listening and a lot less theorizing.

_________________________________________
*I hope everyone knows I’m kidding.
**I don’t actually know any lesbians who hate men.