Who Knows You Best?

Not long ago, I had a conversation about introverts and extroverts.  Honestly, I should know better.  It never ends well.  A not-so-small part of me believes that introverts and extroverts will never truly understand one another.  An even bigger part of me believes most people have no idea what the terms mean and will insist on using them incorrectly.

I was speaking about my older kid.  I said that I wonder sometimes where he came from, since my husband, our daughter and I are all introverts but our son is not.  He’s about as extreme an extrovert as I’ve ever met.

A few people (introverted people, I might add) were nodding in agreement.  But a few said, “Your husband is an introvert?  I don’t see that.”  Folks often say that.  My husband is outgoing and can be a lot of fun, so many people think he must be like that all the time.  I admit, he is a fun guy.  But he needs his space and being with others wears him out mentally and emotionally.

I don’t mind that a few of those who don’t know my husband well have the wrong impression.  I expect that.  What I didn’t expect was for one of my acquaintances to tell me that I was wrong, and that my husband couldn’t possibly be an introvert.

Oh, really?

Huh.  I’ve known him for almost 19 years, been married to him for nearly 15.  Yet I don’t know him well enough to know what his personality is like, and I need someone who has known him less than half the time we’ve been married to set me straight?

Although it may seem like it, I’m not actually holding a grudge.  I’m more puzzled than upset by it.  I admit, I have no idea what possesses people to believe that they know someone else better than those who are closest to the person.

I saw this last week when I took J to see the psychologist to officially diagnose his ADHD.

When J’s teacher first talked to us about the problems J was having at school (not sitting still, impulsive behaviors, emotional lability), we weren’t surprised.  J came out of the womb that way.  My husband even said to me, “Can a kid be just the ‘h’ part of ADHD?”  (They can, although it is the least common type of ADHD, and a few specialists believe it doesn’t exist as a separate diagnosis.)

Armed with this, I went into the appointment.  I told the psychologist that J’s primary problems were hyperactivity, impulsivity, and possible executive function (decision-making) problems.  I explained what his teacher has observed and what we’ve seen at home, church, and dance.  I told her that we rarely see inattention.  In fact, we don’t even see much of the hyper-focusing that some inattentive kids do (except if he’s immersed in a good book; but who doesn’t do that, even without ADHD?).

Most of which the psychologist proceeded to ignore.

She met with us for less than an hour, most of which she spent talking to me instead of J.  She concluded that the reason he doesn’t struggle with inattention at school (only with hyperactivity/impulsivity) is that he is smart.  (He is, but that’s not why he likes school.  He likes to learn and we haven’t found much of anything that doesn’t hold his interest.)  She told me that he won’t like school when he is older.  (I have no idea where she got that impression.)  She failed to listen when I said that it’s not generally a problem getting him to do his homework, provided he does it alone in someplace quiet.  She didn’t engage with him at all during our session.  And yet, she gave me the impression she thought she knew him better than I, or his classroom teacher, or his dance teachers, or his Sunday school teachers, know him.

She only ever asked J two questions, both of which were about how he “felt” about himself and school.  Then she told us that since hyperactive/impulsive type ADHD is rare, it couldn’t possibly apply to J.

And she suggested that we urge his doctor to prescribe meds.

For the inattentiveness she is sure will manifest itself in another three years.  If at all.

Thanks, but no thanks.

Next week, I’m meeting with a different psychologist, one who comes highly recommended.  He won’t even consider a diagnosis until he’s met with me and then with J twice.  After that, the plan is to continue regular appointments for ongoing evaluation and discussion of how we can best meet J’s needs.  I’m not entirely against medication, but I want to know that the professional who prescribes it knows J and understands him.  I want to know that other avenues have been explored first.  And I don’t want those of us who know him intimately to be dismissed as though our experiences don’t matter.  It’s possible that the psychologist we saw is right, and J does have combined type ADHD.  But someone needs to do more than ask him one or two irrelevant self-esteem questions to find that out.