Note to my wonderful gay friends and family: I am not ranting about you personally. I love you, and you have done nothing wrong. But media’s version of what our relationship should be is wrong, and that’s what I’m talking about here.
Note to women who have a gay best friend: If this works for you, that’s awesome. I’m not here to tell you your friendships are all wrong. You should have the kind of friendships that you value and enjoy.
About a year ago, I read a book on female friendships. To be blunt, it sucked. Nothing in it resembled any kind of friendship I’ve ever had. I don’t engage in “girl crushes” with shiny, new friends. If I spend time with you, it’s because I like you and want to know you better, not because you represent something I lack in my own life. I have no frienemies because I choose my friends carefully. If you act like an ass, you won’t be my friend very long. And I don’t have a gay friend who advises every aspect of my life, from relationships to fashion to personal health.
If I were to take books like that seriously, or if I were to watch too much television, I would get the impression that every woman is secretly in need of a gay dude to be her life coach. Don’t get me wrong, I love my gay friends. But I don’t have that kind of relationship with any of them. In fact, I don’t have that kind of relationship with any one person.
The Hollywood romanticized notion of the Gay Best Friend is terrible on several levels. First, this is not good for women. There is a secret message in there for us: He may be a swishy gay guy, but he’s still anatomically male. We all still need someone with copious amounts of free testosterone to tell us what to do. Sure, it elevates us from being pushed around by our husbands and boyfriends. But it never gives us real power over our own lives. We can’t tell what looks good on us, we need a man (who, ironically, isn’t all that interested in what we look like anyway) to inform us. We make poor relationship decisions because we just don’t understand men, so we need a guy who can tell us what we need to know without trying to get up our skirts himself.
Second, it’s bad for women’s relationships with each other. Apparently, if I want to know if my butt looks fat in those jeans, I need a gay guy along for the ride. You know what? I have two sisters, both of whom are happy to tell me exactly what those jeans do to my butt. I trust the women in my life. But in this gay bestie scenario, I’m not supposed to be able to do that.
Third, it’s bad for gay men. I have nothing against gay guys who like fashion and like giving advice. But I know more than an average number of gay men, and you will be shocked to discover that they are all very different from each other. (Amazing, isn’t it?) This version of gay men reduces them to fashion-conscious dispensers of wisdom for women, as though that is what they live for. Not to mention the fact that this takes friendships between women and gay men and turns it from mutual love and respect into the kind of relationship one might have with her handbag.
Finally, this is generally a bad concept for friendship. I am not the Big Name Star of my own action flick, with my friends taking the role of Robin to my Batman. Every person in my life has a consciousness of his or her own. They don’t live to play the supporting parts. Unfortunately, far too many films and television shows make it appear that this self-centered approach to relationships is the real, true way the world works (or should work). The end result is friendships wrecked over the me-first attitude that our gal-pals and our buddies are our personal satellites. (Not to mention that any friend who constantly told me my ass looked fat and my relationships were crap would very quickly find him- or herself no longer my friend.)
We need to foster healthier ideas about relationships between friends. I cherish my friends. Whatever I have with them, I wish I could bottle it and sell it. I have just about the best friends any woman could ask for. I never feel disadvantaged among them; I hope they feel the same.
How will you honor the women friends in your life today?
To expand on your third and fourth points, the trouble with the Gay Best Friend as portrayed in most modern media is that it’s the privileged white woman’s version of the Magical Negro – a character who neither possesses nor needs his own agency, agenda, or goals except as they provide advice and support for the real hero. As with the Magical Negro, maybe it was okay for a little while when it was the only representation going, but it’s long past time to move on.
(Hmmm. It just suddenly occured to me that a possible reading of Will & Grace is as a study of what happens when people take this dynamic seriously – they end up sabotaging each other’s relationships because anything successful outside the friendship means your bestie isn’t available to play the supporting role in your own life. Dear English majors stopping in: Steal this thesis paper.)
Anyway, here we have yetanother example of how it matter what we portray in stories; because there actually is a sentiment out there that girls,if you don’t have a gay best bud, you are really missing out, so you better go and find one quick. As if everyone were entitled to her own personal Carson Kressley, to be summoned at moments of crisis like some sort of fabulous genie.
Yes, exactly. Once again, you’ve clarified my point. Thanks!
I personally hate when Holly Wood or anyone clumps people together and say well this is how it is.I wonder why whatever the view maybe we as a country or a world except some stereotypes as okay but yet stand up for other’s!!
Good point. Real people are a lot more interesting than any stereotype, for sure.