Author and blogger Rachel Held Evans offers this excellent advice for dealing with online criticism. These tips have application beyond the realm of blogs, though. Far too often I hear Christians complaining that there is too much criticism, that what non-Christians say about us is offensive, and that we’re “under attack” for our faith.
I can understand this feeling. I used to share it. Every time I heard someone say anything against my religion, I would bristle. I would think to myself, That person is wrong. We’re not really like that. That person must have been hurt by the church to have such a negative opinion of my beliefs. I know God loves that person, but it’s too bad that person has utterly rejected that love. I would silently defend myself, feel disappointed about what had been said, and judge the other person’s motives or understanding.
These days, instead of feeling defensive or hurt, I tend to look at things a little differently. Even on this blog, I’ve been accused of being “too critical.” Rather than complaining that you don’t like what I’ve said, or what someone else has said, here are some things to try:
1. Tell the other person you need time to consider their criticism before you answer. That’s a fair response, especially if the discussion is becoming emotionally strained. If the other person is a friend, he or she will respect your need for space. If not, then there’s no need to engage further.
2. Honor common ground and keep it holy. Just because you often disagree with your friend or a blogger you like to read doesn’t mean that’s all there is to your relationship. I have friends of other religions and of no religion. More often than not, we choose not to let those differences get in the way of love and respect. Instead, we find ways to spend time together. When the touchy subject of faith comes up, we look for places of agreement. One dear friend and I have talked often of how to instill morals and values in our children. I’m a Christian and she’s an atheist, but it doesn’t change that we both want to raise respectful, honest children. There are lots of values on which we both agree, so we offer support in those things.
3. Don’t feed into traps and faith-baiting. No one has the right to offer you advice or opinions just because you both exist on Planet Earth. If someone is constantly nagging you to “prove” your religion, beliefs, doctrine, or whatever, you don’t need to answer. Some people really are just jerks. Put some space between you and that person, and leave them alone. There is nothing wrong with saying, “I don’t care to discuss this with you anymore.” Recently, I had to end a conversation because someone was continuing to press me about being a LGBT ally. But instead of being respectful, the person kept using slurs and hate language. After explaining that her words were abusive, I let her know that I would not be continuing the discussion. After several more attempts to get my attention and failing, she gave up.
4. Take the high road. So what if the other person is being rude? No need to respond in kind. “They will know you are Christians by your love” applies here.
5. Apologize. And when you don’t do the above, say you’re sorry.
6. Don’t assume that agreeing with you means you’ve converted someone; don’t assume disagreement means you’ve lost them. Just because someone has determined that you’re not “that” kind of Christian means that he or she suddenly wants to start coming to your church or wants to “ask Jesus into his/her heart.” So you proved not all Christians are bigoted arseholes. Awesome! But don’t expect that means you’re on the verge of creating your own backyard tent revival. Similarly, just because your friend has a hard time swallowing the idea that some dude put polar bears on a boat in the desert means he/she wants nothing to do with Jesus. Don’t push, just be a friend.
7. Determine if there is any substance to the criticism. I’m going to call this the single most important item on the list, and I’m going to spend the bulk of my time on it. One reason that so many people are so put out with the church these days is the failure of many Christians to accept responsibility. There are a lot of us out here, standing up to institutionalized Christianity. We are writing, drawing, singing, and speaking. We are putting ourselves out there on social media. We’re asking—no, demanding—change. Many people have left churches, some have left the Church, because we don’t always feel heard. When we criticize, it’s because change is so desperately needed. But we’re often met with rejection and told that we’re “too harsh.” Before lashing out at those who are calling Christians out, there are some things to keep in mind.
It’s a lot easier to feel angry and defensive if deep down you know it’s true. I find this happens a lot whenever people point out common mistakes Christians tend to commit in debate. Some examples: Using the Bible as proof that the Bible is true; claiming that everything in Christianity is new and unique (God in human form, virgin birth, deity dying to save some or all of creation) when it is historically not; using personal experience to “prove” the existence of God. When someone questions any of these, the first reaction from far too many Christians is open hostility. Sorry, but that’s neither going to win an argument nor develop relationships.
A corollary to this is the idea that it hurts more when there’s some truth in it. When someone argues against Christianity by claiming that the real truth is that we were created by an alien race and that our true purpose is to develop space travel in order to conquer the surrounding planets for the good of the Supreme Alien Ruler, it’s fairly easy to dismiss it. It’s easy to think that person is probably crazy, or else wants us to think he or she is. We don’t find that offensive, because it doesn’t even make sense. But when someone pokes holes in some of our dearly held beliefs, it’s harder to ignore. This is natural. It’s easier to get angry than to acknowledge that there is at least some truth in the argument. But rather than fighting, it might help to examine the claims and address them. Even if they turn out to be entirely true, part of being a person of faith is to understand what these things mean in larger context. The stories of Jesus dying for the sins of all humanity is a very different story from the death of Krishna.
We also tend to be defensive when we’re insecure. Remember the guy with the Arctic Sand Bears (a.k.a. Noah) from #6 above? When we ourselves don’t have much of an idea how to reconcile reality with Scripture, we tend to pretend that one or the other doesn’t have any real meaning. In that case, it’s important to examine the questions non-Christians raise. This isn’t so that we can have some snappy answer prepared for the next time. It’s so that we can have an understanding in our own minds. It also helps us filter out distractors. Whether or not there were non-indigenous animals on the ark is a lot less important a lesson than whether or not we should heed God’s call in our lives regardless of who will mock us.
There you have it. I hope you’ll be able to apply at least some of this next time you find yourself at the receiving end of criticism for your Christian faith.
