Warnings: The Fifty Shades series is extremely sexually explicit and involves BDSM. Because of that, and because they are not exactly well-researched or high-quality literature, I will mention things such as abuse, rape, rape culture, male dominance, sexism, relationship violence, and consensual BDSM. Also, the books began as Twilight fanfic, so I will be mentioning Twilight (which is a major squick for a lot of people just by itself).
Traumatic bonding is
strong emotional ties that develop between two persons where one person intermittently harasses, beats, threatens, abuses, or intimidates the other. (Dutton & Painter, 1981).
I’m not sure yet*, so let’s see if Ana fits the criteria** by looking at the same chapter we were on last week.
1. There must be an imbalance of power, with one person more in control of key aspects of the relationship, such as setting themselves up as the “authority” through such things as controlling the finances, or making most of the relationship decisions, or using threats and intimidations, so the relationship has become lopsided.
“Don’t touch yourself. I want you frustrated. That’s what you do to me by not talking to me, by denying me what’s mine.”
“I will do it again, Anastasia, and soon,” he threatens quietly close to my ear…
Both comments follow Christian’s rape of Ana in his parents’ boathouse. Prior to this, he has demanded she drive the kind of car he wants; check messages constantly to see if he’s texted or emailed her; eat and exercise the way he demands; have little or no contact with friends he dislikes; and report to him everything she plans to do.
2. The abusive behavior is sporadic in nature. It is characterized by intermittent reinforcement, which means there is the alternating of highly intense positives (such as intense kindness or affection) and the negatives of the abusive behavior.
I’ve taken a punishment fuck but gained a small victory over the panties. [He returns her panties that he’s had in his pocket without her having to ask.]
Chapter after chapter, we read about how controlling he is and how she thinks she might need to get away from him–until he provides her with another mind-blowing orgasm or a few cuddles and she believes he is changing or she has achieved some “victory.”
3. The victim engages in denial of the abuse for emotional self- protection.
“Be careful, Ana–he’s so controlling,” [Kate] whispers.
I KNOW WHAT HE’S REALLY LIKE–YOU DON’T!–I scream at her in my head.
Along with every other time Ana pushes back at Kate when Kate says something negative about Christian.
4. The victim masks that the abuse is happening, may not have admitted it to anyone, not even themselves.
I’m fully aware that [Kate’s] actions come from a good place, but sometimes she just oversteps the mark, and right now so far that she’s into the neighboring state.
Ana’s waffling on what Christian does to her makes more sense if viewed as a failure to admit to herself that she’s being abused.
I am still baffled by anyone who reads this and thinks it’s at all romantic. I can see how someone who isn’t familiar with well-written smut might get off reading the sex. But I cannot fathom how anyone can believe that Ana and Christian should be together. I don’t care if he changes later in the books. There is plenty going on in the first one to indicate this is a Very Bad Idea.
I’ll leave you with one last quote from this chapter. Ana and Christian are driving home and having a somewhat awkward conversation. She explains that she wants to go see her mother alone so she can think about their relationship. When he asks, she confirms that she’s having second thoughts. He wants to know why. Her inner response:
Because I think I love you, and you just see me as a toy. Because I can’t touch you, because I’m too frightened to show you any affection in case you flinch or tell me off or worse–beat me? What can I say?
. . . I don’t want to lose him. In spite of all his demands, his need to control, his scary vices. I have never felt as alive as I do now . . . He’s so unpredictable, sexy, smart, and funny. But his moods…oh–and he wants to hurt me.
. . . This man, whom I once thought of as a hero . . . He’s not a hero, he’s a man with serious, deep emotional flaws, and he’s dragging me into the dark. Can I not guide him into the light?
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*Yes, I am.
**These are taken from this post: Traumatic Bonding
