Real men are…

A few days ago, I came across a photo posted to one of the pages I follow on Facebook. For some context, this was in response to a previous photo meme about boys who take ballet growing up to be strong, healthy, and surrounded by women. I found the original meme funny, as the mom of a boy who takes ballet, tap, jazz, and Irish dance and seems to have no problem at all being the only boy in most of his classes.

The comments on the original photo included some by a few men who posted that boys who take ballet will turn out to be gay (they used words I prefer not to share here, thanks). Another commenter posted his photo with this caption:

Now, I have no problem at all with whoever wants to take dance classes. I’m very happy for Jason Whoever and his dancing feet. What I do have a problem with is how this is framed. It puts a certain kind of masculinity at the top, emphasizing a stereotype of manhood: physically strong, muscular, interested in culturally-approved manly pursuits such as rock music, and employed in a culturally-approved masculine job.

In other words, it’s perfectly fine for boys to take ballet so long as they turn out to be like him: not gay and not too feminine.

As much fun as it is to punch the air and go, “Take that, haters! Look at this badass dude!” it’s ultimately not the most helpful response. It’s still rooted in both homophobia and misogyny.

Because of my work as an author, editor, and reviewer, I see this all the time, especially in m/m fiction. It’s one of my pet peeves—men who assert their manliness page after page. This is done in a multitude of ways:

• Large, muscular bodies
• “Manly” jobs or hobbies (military/police/fire, sports, rock music, anything that requires a power suit)
• Large penises (sometimes even in works that aren’t sexually explicit)
• Emotionless, incapable of expressing emotions, or limited to anger and arousal
• Sexually insatiable (again, this is even sometimes true outside erotica)
• Literally telling us they are men, often repeatedly (especially if they don’t meet one of the previous criteria)
• Disgusted, bothered, or simply not interested in other men who don’t fit the above
• Disgusted, bothered, or explicitly not interested in jobs or pursuits perceived as “feminine”
• Biphobic and transphobic
• Openly misogynistic and directly hostile toward female-identified characters

It’s not the first two things on the list that bother me. Are there muscular, culturally masculine gay and bi men? Yes, of course there are. In fact, I love that they are part of the total picture because there’s a tendency for straight people to think they don’t exist. Showing athletes and hero-types is a way of breaking down a certain type of barrier. In and of itself, that’s not the problem. It’s the lack of diversity and the disdain for men outside those boxes that disturbs me. When it becomes the ideal, not merely one representation, it feeds into other forms of misogyny and queer antagonism.

The same is true when talking about men in the arts, especially dance and theater. It’s fantastic that tough military men and powerful football players have taken ballet classes, but they are not the reason it’s acceptable for boys to dance.

Imagine being a boy who takes ballet and sees something implying he must grow up to be a certain type of man or he will surely “turn out gay.” That pretty much hurts every boy who takes dance class ever, including the ones who are destined to be big, muscular military men. It implies there’s something very, very wrong with being gay or more feminine or even just not built like a linebacker; it erases bisexual men entirely; and it implies that those who are wired toward cultural masculinity cannot possibly be gay (or even just enjoy culturally feminine pursuits). No one wins in that scenario.

At what point will we stop defending certain hobbies and jobs on the grounds that they’re not too gay or too feminine because big, tough men do them? When will being gay and/or culturally feminine be considered just as awesome as being culturally masculine? The only good answer to “But he’ll turn out gay!” is to say, “So what?” and leave it there.