Identity and expression policing in romance

I have a few minutes on my lunch break, so I’ll try to make this quick. I already ranted on my Facebook profile, but this is too long to put there.

If anyone wants to know why I will never again purchase MM Romance by an author I don’t know, this is why. I will also severely restrict any other reading to authors I’m familiar with elsewhere and have some trust for.

I’d just about finished up a MM Romance novel that had been recommended and was sitting on my Kindle for something like a year before I got to it. Great story, very original. Should’ve been right up my alley, since I’m not huge fan of genre romance. And it was…until.

Until.

The misogyny and bi- and trans-antagonism. This was sprinkled throughout. I can’t tell if the editor simply didn’t notice or care or if the author clung to their worn-out phrases because of “author voice.” Who knows?

There were multiple instances where the entire flow of the story was interrupted to remind readers that these are “real men” who are Not In Any Way At All Feminine. This includes breaking the momentum of a really emotional scene with a nasty comment about being “like a teenage girl.”

Because emotions are, apparently, not manly.

Like, we’re not even talking about femme expression here. We are literally saying that men showing how they feel is bad, and the reason it’s bad is that teenage girls act that way.

Fuck that.

I could do without ever having to read phrases like “behaving like a teenage girl,” “acting like a woman,” or any variation on “ew, vaginas” again. The implication is that there are certain unmanly behaviors that should not be engaged in if you are a man who has sex with men. (I hear this same shit from actual men, so they’re not off the hook. But “realism” is not a reason to include it in a romantic fantasy.)

This is every last kind of misogyny, biphobia, transphobia, and femme antagonism, and it can die a horrible, bloody death any time. There is no need. It does not improve character development or further the plot. If you cannot assure us your characters are cis men-who-love-men in some other way (oh, I don’t know, maybe by just saying they are?), then you are unimaginative.

Not only that, this is specifically disparaging to teenage girls. Listen, have you ever actually met a teenage girl? They are badass! I mean, think about all the stuff these kids have to deal with on a daily basis. I’ve spent years getting to know a number of girls during my volunteer hours for the school musicals. Let me tell you, these young women are incredible. Not one person should ever compare someone else to them as a put-down.

Listen. I can’t do anything about authors who really think so little of girls and women that they throw this stuff around, even as a “joke.” And honestly, you all know it bothers people, so use some empathy. If you’re not a gay man but you can use your imagination to come up with a believable love story about two dudes, you damn sure can use that same empathy to understand why women and girls don’t like to be used as an insult.

Oh, and this:

Queer boys and men who have been negatively told you “act like girls/women”? I see you. You are valid. You are, in fact, AWESOME. You’re not less or bad or wrong. This includes all of you who are bi, pan, fluid, or identify as another kind of multisexual.

Queer kids and adults who are exploring your gender? You rock! Welcome to the fam. Lots of us enbies are here to support you.

Allo-cis-hetero boys and men who have been told you’re not “man enough” or you’re “too girly”? Nah, you’re man enough. You do you, and be your awesome self.