There are very few subjects I write about that get an immediate and angry response. Some of that is my natural avoidance of politics these days—anyone left still in the dark about my views probably hasn’t known me long. The one topic that gets instant and palpable hate, though?
Use of singular “they.”
No joke. Any time it comes up, there’s at least one person (usually more) who will still cling to, “But I learned in school…” I’m sure they did. I did too. But let’s discuss it, shall we?
If we were talking about whether or not use of singular they was appropriate in a generic context, that might be one thing. Still not wrong, but at least understandable why someone thinks it is, given how anyone over the age of 35 probably had at least one teacher who was a stickler.
That’s not what happens, though. It typically comes up in the context of personal pronouns. Someone says they use they instead of he or she, and within a heartbeat, someone else Has Words about it. These are not usually Nice Words.
I remarked recently that a person isn’t truly respectful if their reply to “My pronouns are they/them” with anything other than “Okay, got it.” You would think I’d accused people of eating babies and kittens for breakfast with how swift the defensive response was. (That’s not unusual, by the way.) If it bothers you, I can’t change that, but you really do need to keep it to yourself if you’re trying to show love and respect.
Inappropriate responses include but are not limited to:
- Fine, but it grates on me.
- That’s not grammatically correct.
- I’m old-school, and we don’t say that where I come from.
- But the style guides say it’s wrong.
- We should have real gender-neutral pronouns.
Let me answer those:
- So? It’s not my job to use the pronouns you prefer.
- It’s grammatically just fine and has been used for centuries.
- I’m old-school too, and I managed to adapt.
- I have access to multiple style guides for work. Allow me to prove you wrong.
- We’ve tried neutral pronouns. People complain they’re “too weird.”
Besides being plain rude to speak to anyone that way, there are two specific points I want to elaborate on. First, I work in the publishing industry. I rub shoulders with people at all stages of the process, and there’s a wide range of education among my colleagues. I can assure you that use of singular they is considered appropriate and correct. Most style guides and dictionaries have adapted. The holdout, the Chicago Manual of Style, allows it specifically for use as a personal pronoun. If you’re not in the industry, you simply don’t get to use our references to uphold your view. And if you are in the industry, then perhaps try educating yourself on what’s in those style guides you cling to.
Second, there is no one more indoctrinated into “singular they isn’t grammatically correct” than I am. My parents were more strict about it than my teachers. My parents insisted from the time I could make sound that I do it properly. I mean, my father was the sort to take a pen to a library book if he found something he thought was wrong. One time, he humiliated me in front of my friends. He was giving them a ride home after an event. When he asked how it had gone, I said, “It was so fun!” And he gave me a 5-minute lecture on how I could only say, “It was so much fun” or “It was such fun.” Slang? Not in my household. And forget about singular they—I got corrected more times than I can count.
All of that is to say I was thoroughly immersed in the cult of Grammatical Correctness. I am now in my 40s, and I am happily using singular they as a personal pronoun as well as in many other situations. My kids have never heard the rule, not even at school.
The last thing I will say is to ask, why is that the hill you want to die on? What is so vitally important about clinging to an outdated (and frankly incorrect) rule about singular they? Are there really no other important issues to discuss? Even if it does bother you, why make a fuss about it to the person who is obviously coming out to you about their gender identity?
When someone comes to you and says, “My pronouns are they/them,” that person is coming out to you in the same way any other person in the LGBTQ+ community comes out. That is someone telling you they do not relate to or experience the binary identities of “man” or “woman.” It’s not your turn to question them, even “nicely,” about it. It’s not your chance to go all philosophical about the tragedy of our gendered pronouns or an opportunity to educate anyone on proper grammar. It’s a chance to embrace a person you care about and make the effort to treat them how you would want to be treated.
Either you respect people or you don’t. Slip-ups happen, and using the wrong pronouns while you adjust is normal. But there is absolutely no excuse whatsoever for intentionally shaming someone by playing Language Cop. Do better, folks.
