AM Leibowitz, Author at A.M. Leibowitz

Notable News: Week of May 19-25, 2012

Edited to add: A friend helpfully pointed out to me that I had missed a huge one this week. That’s what I get for swearing off Twitter for 4 days so I can read a book. Oh, well. This post now reflects that information.

This week’s big topic: Pastors who threaten people and the people who listen.

Pastor Charles Worley of Providence Road Baptist Church recommends electric fence for gays

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w2839yEazcs]

Really? Really?! I don’t care how you feel about the sinfulness/non-sinfulness of homosexuality. It ought to make you mad that this person claims to represent God and the Church. Pastor Worley, this isn’t the way to help people find Jesus.

Providence Road Baptist Church member defends Pastor Worley

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cUXDKnL4xGE]

Well. Isn’t that special.

This woman seems unaware that this happened:

Meanwhile, Hustler proved that liberals are jackasses, too. New York Daily News columnist S. E. Cupp was victimized by having her image Photoshopped into lewd pictures. I don’t care what her politics are, and I don’t care that it was a “joke.” It wasn’t funny and NO WOMAN ANYWHERE DESERVES TO BE TREATED THAT WAY. Yes, you did just read me shouting.

In other news, because I don’t want to leave this on such a downer, here are a couple of great posts from the fabulous Rachel Held Evans. Whenever I want to read something thought-provoking and uplifting, I read her blog. I cannot wait to get my hands on her upcoming book. Meanwhile, enjoy a couple of cool posts from this week:

“All right, then, I’ll go to hell.” RHE eloquently puts into words the feelings so many of us have. I love this post.

Ask a Seventh-day Adventist I honestly don’t know much about Adventism. In my entire life, I’ve known exactly two people active in the faith and one family that left the faith. The ones who left called it a “cult.” I enjoyed reading more about it, although I don’t know if I feel more confused or less.

Have a great week, everyone!

______________________________________________________________

If you see anything interesting this week around the web, drop me a note via the Contact Me link on the sidebar. With your permission, I’ll credit you with the find.

Homeless. Adolescent. LGBT.

LGBTQ+

Sometimes, I learn something that horrifies me. Like most of us, I get caught up in the usual stuff that goes on in my life and in my immediate spheres. And then something startles me out of it.

I learned that between 20 and 40% of homeless kids are LGBT.

Only about 5-10% of all youth identify as LGBT.

That’s quite disproportionate.

Maybe you think they deserve it, that they are no more than stubborn kids who ran away from home because they didn’t like mom and dad’s rules. Maybe you think their parents just wanted the best for them, and tried to help them overcome this dark and sinful lifestyle. Maybe you think that if they weren’t willing to obey their parents and try not to be gay, then they deserve whatever happens to them.

Or maybe you just don’t care.

But maybe you should.

Far too many of these kids are asked to leave by their own parents. Many leave because of intense family conflict over their sexuality or gender identity.

What would you do if it were your child?

We made a decision a long time ago that no child of ours would ever leave home believing that he or she was unloved. Our kids will never have to fight with us over their sexuality. They will never have to hear us, their parents, fight with each other about it. They will never be told that they need to conform to our sexuality in order to live in our household.

Setting aside sexual morality, we threw out “love the sinner, hate the sin” a long time ago. It doesn’t make sense in any context. It’s not our job to go around listing the specific sins people have committed and then telling them we love them anyway. We can teach, guide, and help our kids toward faith and living God-honoring lives. And we can love them. That’s all.

If you are going through this right now, know that you are not alone. Even if you are firmly rooted in your belief that homosexuality is sinful, you can still love and respect your child. Please don’t let your fears, your frustrations, your worries, your stress, your confusion lead to your child feeling unloved and running from you. Please don’t believe that asking your child to leave will solve the problem. Just love your kid.

Not “love the sinner, hate the sin.”

Not “love the sinner and pray the gay away.”

Not “love the sinner, create special rules so they don’t have gay sex.”

Not even “love the sinner.”

Just love.

Your child hasn’t suddenly become someone you don’t know. This isn’t a slap in your face. This isn’t something you’re going to be able to fix or change or squelch. You aren’t doing some unbiblical thing by releasing it to God instead of trying to make it stop. It isn’t your fault, and you can’t do anything about it. And even if you believe your child is hurting him- or herself, this isn’t going to do permanent damage to the rest of your family.

You don’t have to do this all by yourself. There are people out there who can help you. There are people who will care for and support your whole family. I urge you to take that approach. The risk of losing your child to conflict in your home is too great.

We don’t have to let any more kids become a homeless statistic.

Cinderella isn’t a superhero

Gender Roles

I’ve never liked the story of Cinderella. Actually, although I like fantasy, I’m not big on traditional fairy tales in general. But Cinderella has long been one of my least favorites.

I’m sure some know-it-all is going to comment that I have too much time on my hands if I spend my time critiquing a classic children’s story. (And chances are, it will be a man.) Fine. Here’s your warning: I’m going to bash Cindy and her perfect, tiny feet. Go read something else if you don’t like it.

Like my post from yesterday about faulty messages in children’s books, I think there’s a lot to dislike about Cinderella. On the surface, it seems like a pretty good story. The moral message even seems decent, that being kind and generous is better than being rude and mean. That’s certainly a lesson I’d like my kids to absorb. Unfortunately, there are a lot of other underlying problems. The one I want to address specifically is the problem of the stepmother.

When the story starts, poor Cinderella is under the thumb of her wicked stepmother. Without even getting into the fact that there are plenty of kind, loving, and generous stepmothers (although that’s true too), I think there’s an anti-feminist undertone to the whole thing. Rather than being sweet and demure, Mrs. Stepmom is nasty from day one. She marries Cinderella’s father because he’s got money, then makes it clear that she doesn’t want anything to do with her stepdaughter. Depending on which version you read, either she waits for Cindy’s dad to die so she can make up for lost time beating her, or she does it right under her husband’s nose—and he just stands by.

I am in no way defending child abuse. But I think that the tales in which Cinderella’s father doesn’t stop the abuse are far worse than the ones where he dies. The subtle message is that the stepmother is “ruling the home,” and that her weak, ineffective husband should have been more of a man and defended his daughter. That, or he obviously should have picked a proper woman to marry. In some versions, Mrs. Stepmother does start out seeming to be the picture of a gracious wife. Later, we find out it’s only an act and she’s really a cruel tyrant. Again, the message is that there is a socially acceptable way to be a woman, and she isn’t it.

In fact, this is the message of many fairy tales, not just Cinderella. Strong women are being abusive tyrants, while passive women are sweet and gentle. Strong women get what’s coming to them, passive women are rewarded by marrying the handsome prince. Strong women are always jealous of the beauty and grace of passive women. Strong women are nearly always taught some lesson in the end, which usually involves learning that they should have been more humble. Passive women learn that if they are good enough, they will be rescued from all their problems.

We still find this in our modern world. Oh, I don’t just mean in our stories, although there’s still quite a lot of Stepmother/Cinderella in women’s literature. I mean in the real world. We’re still taught that being to strong or independent means men won’t like us. We’re informed that if we are too “overbearing” (and our husbands don’t cure us of it) we will turn our sons into effeminate gays. We’re asked if we’re “mom enough” and then told that when we make confident choices, we will be questioned at every turn. We’re promised happy homes, well-behaved children, and satisfied husbands if only we will demonstrate “proper” submission (even though no one seems to be able to define that). We’re told that if we covet positions of leadership, it’s because we want to be men.

None of it is true.

Lots of strong, independent women are married. Lots of men like that kind of woman—one who can take care of herself and isn’t a pushover. There are plenty of gay people from homes with quiet, gentle mothers and strong, manly fathers; there are plenty of straight people from homes with parents who are the opposite. We are all “mom enough” regardless of parenting style. Children are happy in happy homes, not homes with parents who fit certain male/female roles. Women in leadership are there because they’re capable, not for any other reason.

My daughter will not be six forever. One day, she will be an adult woman. I hope that she learns to seek out the kind of woman she wants to emulate. She should never feel that there is a “right” way to be a woman in order to reap some reward. I especially want her to know that being strong and independent isn’t the opposite of being kind, generous, and loving.

It’s time to stop looking to fairy tales for feminine role models.

Children’s Books Gone Wrong

Books, Parenting

I have a tendency to stick with children’s authors I know and trust these days. We’ve found a few new ones we like, of course, but I’ve become wary of what’s out there. Trust me on this, there is a whole lot of crap available to our kids.

My daughter picks out most of her own books. This is a very good thing, because she’s only discovered how much she likes to read in the last several months. Before that, if I handed her a book and told her to have some quiet time, you’d think I’d asked her to shovel manure out in the yard. She could read, yes, but she didn’t like to do it.

Anyway, I’m now in the habit of scanning her books to make sure there’s nothing in there I don’t like. I thought this was something only the most extreme religious fundamentalists did. And I’m not even looking for objectionable religious content! I just want to make sure that my kids aren’t reading urban legends disguised as “facts,” misogynistic fairy tales, or books glorifying aggression.

Now I have to look for books that send damaging messages about other things.

Two of the books we took out of the library last week required talking with my daughter about what the books are really saying. The first seemed okay when I glanced through it. But after reading it to her, we both went, “Huh?” It’s a cute story about eggs hatching into things and then laying more eggs, and babies growing up and having their own babies. Now, if you know anything at all about science, you know that only female birds lay eggs, only female butterflies lay eggs, only female polar bears give birth . . . you get the idea. At the end, there is a picture of a baby. It grows up to be . . . a boy. My daughter said at the end (no prompting from me), “Why isn’t it a girl baby?” Good question, kid. (For the record, I have no problem showing boys growing up to be fathers. My problem was a book filled with female animals concluding with a male baby. The baby should at least have been gender neutral, because the ending text is that the baby grows into a “boy, just like you.”)

The other story that bothered me was different. It was the story of a miniature dinosaur who feels ashamed of being little and gets picked on for his size. He does some heroic act and then everyone miraculously recognizes what an awesome dino he really is, becoming his best friends. Believe it or not, this one bugs me far more than my previous example.

This isn’t a good message for our kids. Think about it: Something is “wrong” with you (you’re not just like everyone else), so you get picked on (of course). You show everyone that you are brave, strong, and good (despite your obvious flaw). Suddenly, all the people who hated you now want to be your best friend.

First, this teaches three bad things about being “different.” One, being different is a Bad, Bad Thing. Your differences separate you from everyone else. Two, that if you don’t look or act just like everyone else, you might as well paint a giant target on your back. Because of course, no one different can be expected to make friends. Three, if you are “different,” you probably hate yourself because of it, as though no one could possibly feel confident unless he or she aligns perfectly with some mythical standard.

Second, it teaches that you only have value (especially if you are “different”) if you perform noble acts. You are required (again, especially if you’re “different”) to prove to others that you deserve respect and love. In fact, you only deserve it if you rescue the person who has been bullying you. (I love the way this is subverted in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. Warning: Spoilers, highlight to read. Harry saves Draco Malfoy twice at the end, and then Ron Weasley punches him in the face from under the invisibility cloak. Message: “Sure, we’ll save you because we’re not heartless; but you’re still a major prick.”)

Third, it teaches kids that by being a Super Awesome Person, they will eventually get their enemies to adore them. Sorry, this isn’t the way things work. In fact, sometimes, bullies aren’t all that grateful for help. Sometimes, bullies still hate you. Sometimes, bullies grow up and they like you for you, whether you ever “rescued” them or not. Sometimes, bullies get to know you and like you because you’re fun and interesting. And sometimes they don’t. Being a hero isn’t the thing that changes relationships.

Thankfully, I have two bright kids who can read a story like that and understand that it doesn’t represent reality. The good news is, it leaves room for discussion. We have the opportunity to find out what our kids have seen and experienced in real life, and how they feel about the messages in the books.

Hm, I think I’ve changed my mind. Maybe instead of monitoring and rejecting, I’ll keep it all—the good, the bad, and the ugly—and take it as another chance to get to know my kids better.

Notable News, Week of May 12-18

Cool Stuff, Links, Music, News, Parenting, Women

TIME Magazine, celebrity feminism, and Donna Summer. It’s all in here!

1. TIME Magazine enrages us all

Even though the controversial issue of TIME Magazine came out last week, it’s still the center of the blogosphere. Tons of women have weighed in on it, from a variety of perspectives. What’s been awesome about the whole thing is that TIME intended to fan the flames of the Mommy Wars, but we moms (and women who aren’t moms, too) proved ourselves above such foolishness. We came together spectacularly to support each other in our parenting styles. Yeah, women!

Here are what I consider the best of the best in response to the TIME article:

Rachel Held Evans helps us laugh at ourselves and recognize that we are, indeed, enough just as we are.
Avital Norman Nathman gives us her take over at The Mamafesto. In her first post, “Are YOU ‘Mom Enough’?”, she explains the artificial battle line TIME has drawn. In the second, “Distraction”, she reminds us that we shouldn’t let TIME get away with distracting us from the very real parenting issues of post-natal leave, sick time, and health care for families.
The Radical Housewife encourages us to ponder the ways in which patriarchy has determined that none of us will ever be “mom enough.”
Over on Soulseeds, Meg Lawton tells us about her breastfeeding journey and why TIME’s sexualized image put her off.

2. The limitations of celebrity feminists

Check out this great article on the problems with women like Tina Fey who would limit our feminism “for our own good.” Long, but worth the read. It’s another take on the madonna/whore complex.

3. Donna Summer dies

She was only 63.

Bible Wars?

Family, Gender Roles

Last week’s TIME Magazine cover certainly stirred up a lot of debate (more on that tomorrow). Women weighed in on the issue from all angles. There was frustration over the media-generated “mommy wars,” over cashing in on parenting guilt, and the ways both men and women are culturally undermined by the message.

Some people’s reaction was more about the cover photo itself, a young, culturally attractive woman breastfeeding a preschooler. There was a lot of “Ew!” and “Ick!” (You know why? Because no woman ever, in the history of the world, has ever breastfed her kid by posing jauntily while he stood on a chair looking like he’d rather be anywhere else.)

Anyway, yesterday, Rachel Held Evans chimed in with her take on it. She came at it from a different angle, addressing the ever-present problem of the Proverbs 31 wife. (Ooh! Did you like my alliteration there?) Her excellent post gives a good dressing-down to the idea of being “good enough.”

I’m grateful for that post. See, here’s the thing. I have a whole heap o’ problems with how Ms 31 is usually handled. And it’s not what you think.

I’ve read dozens of blog posts, books, and articles about the ways this wife of noble character has been wrongly used as our standard for Biblical womanhood. Almost without fail, I have the same reaction to them: You missed the point. She isn’t the problem. We are.

Time and again, I hear the refrain of, “No woman can live up to this standard.” While this is true, the problem with that is that it sends the same message it’s railing against: There is an impossibly high standard, and you will never measure up. Don’t bother trying.”

The truth is, there is no impossibly high standard. Not being superwoman isn’t sin we need Jesus to rescue us from. Not being a combination of Martha Stewart and Supernanny isn’t morally wrong. Proverbs 31 is not a to-do list, some or all of which you must accomplish at some point to show you are a good, Biblical wife.

It could be a picture of the People of God. It could be urging men to look for women with qualities beyond physical beauty. It could mean that we all (men and women alike) should strive to protect, honor, and care for our families. But it’s definitely not an ideal standard of behavior.

Much like TIME Magazine’s article on attachment parenting.

See, just like the TIME editors, there are people who have used the idea of the Proverbs 31 wife to create an artificial battle between good, Biblical women and naughty women who ignore God’s directives. We’re supposed to believe that our choices are to be an appropriately submissive wife who stays home and bakes cookies, or we can be a man-hating feminist with delusions of penis envy. This is a completely fictitious war.

You know why? Because as long as within your family, you have determined the best way to work things out, you are doing what God desires for us. If you exclusively stay home, homeschool, sew all your own clothes, and bake homemade cupcakes with frosting from scratch, you are awesome. If you have a high-power career and spend 9 hours a day in your office and you hire someone else to cook and clean, you are awesome. If you do something somewhere in the middle between those, or some combination of those things, you are awesome. And guess what? Those things apply to men and women, singles and marrieds.

There isn’t some war raging between people who read the Bible one way and those who read it another. Both are good. Both are appropriate. This is not an essential teaching on which our salvation hinges. The important thing is whether what we do is loving to those around us, shows care and respect for those in our families, and honors God through obedience to Him in the way we best understand it. That kind of attitude is always the right one, no matter how it plays out in our lives.

I’m sure that some people have thought that my feminist ramblings were directed at them, as though I were saying that they should not want to live out the Scriptures as they interpret them. Not at all! All I want is not to be told that I need to change my personality or my skill set to fit an artificial cultural standard in order to be “in obedience” to the Bible. My husband and I should not need to radically shift ourselves just because he’s nurturing and I’m not, or because he’s better at keeping the family calendar than I am. And we shouldn’t be told that we have to change the way we study the Bible together or study the Bible with our children, especially if it’s leading our children to be faithful disciples. But neither should anyone else. If you are a Christian and God is being glorified in your home, then you are doing something right.

I’m not waging war on anyone, because there is no war to be waged.

Notable News: Week of May 19-25, 2012

Homeless. Adolescent. LGBT.

Cinderella isn’t a superhero

Children’s Books Gone Wrong

Notable News, Week of May 12-18

Bible Wars?

Let's Be Friends

Sharing

Tip Jar

Shopping Cart

Your Shopping Cart

Supposed Crimes Publishing

Beaten Track Publishing

AM Leibowitz

More Content