queer slice-of-life stories
Visit Provoketive to read my latest, a review of Kosher Jesus by Rabbi Shmuley Boteach (Gefen Publishing, February 1, 2012), Kindle edition.
When I first read that Kosher Jesus would be available in February, I couldn’t wait to get my hands on a copy. The prospect of reading more about Jesus from a purely Jewish perspective was intriguing. I am pleased to say that Kosher Jesus lived up to my expectations. [continue reading]
I feel sorry for people who worship wealth.
No, really. I do. I mean, I think that has to be hard. Living in a constant state of believing that you don’t have enough must be pretty draining.
The funny thing is, it’s not limited to one particular income level. We have plenty of friends with a lot of money who are generous, kind, and giving; who recognize their relative wealth; and who don’t complain about what they don’t have and what they wish they had. We know one or two people who are very low-income and complain constantly about what they don’t have and what they think other people are not entitled to. But I have to admit, the majority of complainers are upper-middle income families.
I frankly don’t get it. You know what? Our family is not poor. We have absolutely everything we need, and most of what we want. Are there things we think it might be nice to have? Sure. I’d love to take our family to Disney World. It’s not going to happen right now. Or maybe ever. But I know, and my kids know, just how fortunate we are. We may not be remotely close to the top U.S. income bracket. But we know that we have it good.
News flash for complainers: If you can afford trips to Disney or Europe on a regular basis; if you can send your kid on a foreign mission trip without requiring her to raise all the money; if you have a 2400 square foot house—you are not poor. You are better off than every single family on public benefits. You have absolutely nothing to whine about. Please get over yourselves and stop griping.
What is it that leads us to look disdainfully on others when it comes to money?
I know that for many, it’s the belief that they are working hard while someone else does nothing and gets hand-outs. I am sure that there are people who take advantage of the system. I would like to see an end to that too, one that would not just unceremoniously dump people but would help them lead productive lives. The problem is that there is an underlying attitude towards people on benefits that is most definitely not Christian.
I could point out that people working the system are a fraction of the population. I could point out that every single one of us knows someone who is elderly and receives social security following a lifetime of hard work. Or someone who is ill or injured and cannot work. Or someone who is struggling to make it as a single parent. I could list real examples, and I would get this response: “Well, I wasn’t talking about those people. I was talking about all the other people.”
But the truth is, it’s not which people we think we know who are taking advantage. It’s an attitude that we have toward the idea of getting something for nothing. Something in us balks at it, no matter what the circumstances. We’ve been trained that hard-workiness is next to godliness. It’s that good ol’ Protestant work ethic.
That, right there, is terrible theology. It’s not what the Bible says at all. Sure, there’s lots in Proverbs about not being lazy. But when it comes to caring for the less fortunate, the Bible never says, “Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day; teach him to fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.” It’s not in there. We’re not told to give the poor jobs, we’re told to make sure they have food.
People’s attitudes toward whole groups of other people often get in the way of real compassion. It happens when it comes to anything we view as alien to our own experience. We tend to think the “theys” out there are all [fill in the blank]. We think the ones we know personally are somehow the exception. But guess what it really is? It’s prejudice, clamoring to be let go. We think that we know the only exceptions to the rule, but the rest of “them” are still “like that.” In reality, most people are the exception, we just haven’t let go of our negative attitudes yet.
It’s not our job to determine whether someone is deserving. It’s our job to determine whether or not we are serving.
I’m not actually going to give a top ten list. Instead, I’m going to explain why I’m getting a little tired of the “top ten things not to say to…” meme.
I don’t know whether the lists are supposed to be helpful. To me, they always come across as self-righteous vent-fests. And before someone says that I’ve never been “marginalized” or that no one has ever said anything stupid to me when I was hurting, guess again. These lists highlight the ways in which people have been stripped of their dignity but are trying to regain it in the wrong ways.
Humans, both in real life and on the Internet, are going to say stupid sh*t. That is a fact of life. And it’s true, if people just used common sense and kindness, they wouldn’t say half the things on those lists. I’ve certainly heard my share of insensitive comments. On the other hand, every list contains at least one item which is just plain bitchy. It’s a complaint that someone said something using the wrong phrasing. For instance, I’m sorry that it offends you if I say that I couldn’t do your job. People tell me all the time they couldn’t stay home with their kids. You know what? Maybe they couldn’t. I take it as a compliment, those people actually think I do something other than sit around on my butt eating bonbons and watching soap operas.
When the people around us say hurtful things, it doesn’t do anyone any good to bottle it all up and then unleash in a list of Ways the World Has Wronged Us. First, we have to consider the source. Was it a comment on a blog? That’s a great time to answer directly with a comment of our own. It may not be received well, but it’s still an opportunity to educate people. Was it something said by a friend? Better to talk about it than to leave it for a passive-aggressive Facebook rant or a snarky blog post. A real friend will take to heart what we say and try to be more thoughtful in the future. Goodness knows, I’ve said all sorts of dumb things. My friends are very forgiving, and I appreciate when they tell me directly what’s wrong.
The Top Ten lists are not universal. I remember many years ago, we were having a lot of difficulty getting pregnant. I joined an online infertility community. After interacting with the women there, and reading their versions of Top Ten Things People Shouldn’t Say, I found myself a lot angrier than I should have been. I started thinking that all the people around me were just insensitive jerks. After all, shouldn’t they understand that inviting me to baby showers was hurtful, since I couldn’t experience it too? I made the mistake of refusing to attend one friend’s baby shower. I only ever did that once, because it was (on my part) a hurtful, rude thing to do. I understand that for some women, it’s what they need to do. But it wasn’t true for me. When other women generalized their feelings to include all of us, it didn’t help me find wholeness. That was something I found by being honest with my friends about my situation.
We also need to be prepared to let go. Instead of thinking up nasty retorts when we feel offended, it might help to remember that friends don’t always understand what we’re going through. I find it hard to keep straight all 157 Top Ten lists of all the things I’m Never Supposed to Say to All Sorts of People. I’m probably going to slip up. I’m probably going to disagree sometimes. I read one list which said I’m not supposed to ask someone who is hurting if there is anything I can do. Instead, I’m supposed to phrase it differently, asking what I can do instead of if. I think that’s splitting hairs. If we’re getting down to picking apart how people say things, rather than what they say, it’s time to find a new hobby.
In the end, we could all work harder to respect others. If we do that, maybe we can render the lists obsolete.
Not long ago, I had a conversation about introverts and extroverts. Honestly, I should know better. It never ends well. A not-so-small part of me believes that introverts and extroverts will never truly understand one another. An even bigger part of me believes most people have no idea what the terms mean and will insist on using them incorrectly.
I was speaking about my older kid. I said that I wonder sometimes where he came from, since my husband, our daughter and I are all introverts but our son is not. He’s about as extreme an extrovert as I’ve ever met.
A few people (introverted people, I might add) were nodding in agreement. But a few said, “Your husband is an introvert? I don’t see that.” Folks often say that. My husband is outgoing and can be a lot of fun, so many people think he must be like that all the time. I admit, he is a fun guy. But he needs his space and being with others wears him out mentally and emotionally.
I don’t mind that a few of those who don’t know my husband well have the wrong impression. I expect that. What I didn’t expect was for one of my acquaintances to tell me that I was wrong, and that my husband couldn’t possibly be an introvert.
Oh, really?
Huh. I’ve known him for almost 19 years, been married to him for nearly 15. Yet I don’t know him well enough to know what his personality is like, and I need someone who has known him less than half the time we’ve been married to set me straight?
Although it may seem like it, I’m not actually holding a grudge. I’m more puzzled than upset by it. I admit, I have no idea what possesses people to believe that they know someone else better than those who are closest to the person.
I saw this last week when I took J to see the psychologist to officially diagnose his ADHD.
When J’s teacher first talked to us about the problems J was having at school (not sitting still, impulsive behaviors, emotional lability), we weren’t surprised. J came out of the womb that way. My husband even said to me, “Can a kid be just the ‘h’ part of ADHD?” (They can, although it is the least common type of ADHD, and a few specialists believe it doesn’t exist as a separate diagnosis.)
Armed with this, I went into the appointment. I told the psychologist that J’s primary problems were hyperactivity, impulsivity, and possible executive function (decision-making) problems. I explained what his teacher has observed and what we’ve seen at home, church, and dance. I told her that we rarely see inattention. In fact, we don’t even see much of the hyper-focusing that some inattentive kids do (except if he’s immersed in a good book; but who doesn’t do that, even without ADHD?).
Most of which the psychologist proceeded to ignore.
She met with us for less than an hour, most of which she spent talking to me instead of J. She concluded that the reason he doesn’t struggle with inattention at school (only with hyperactivity/impulsivity) is that he is smart. (He is, but that’s not why he likes school. He likes to learn and we haven’t found much of anything that doesn’t hold his interest.) She told me that he won’t like school when he is older. (I have no idea where she got that impression.) She failed to listen when I said that it’s not generally a problem getting him to do his homework, provided he does it alone in someplace quiet. She didn’t engage with him at all during our session. And yet, she gave me the impression she thought she knew him better than I, or his classroom teacher, or his dance teachers, or his Sunday school teachers, know him.
She only ever asked J two questions, both of which were about how he “felt” about himself and school. Then she told us that since hyperactive/impulsive type ADHD is rare, it couldn’t possibly apply to J.
And she suggested that we urge his doctor to prescribe meds.
For the inattentiveness she is sure will manifest itself in another three years. If at all.
Thanks, but no thanks.
Next week, I’m meeting with a different psychologist, one who comes highly recommended. He won’t even consider a diagnosis until he’s met with me and then with J twice. After that, the plan is to continue regular appointments for ongoing evaluation and discussion of how we can best meet J’s needs. I’m not entirely against medication, but I want to know that the professional who prescribes it knows J and understands him. I want to know that other avenues have been explored first. And I don’t want those of us who know him intimately to be dismissed as though our experiences don’t matter. It’s possible that the psychologist we saw is right, and J does have combined type ADHD. But someone needs to do more than ask him one or two irrelevant self-esteem questions to find that out.
I am constantly amazed by the way some conservative Christians like to pick and choose which scientific discoveries they believe. I understand that some say where the Bible and science diverge, we should go with the Bible. Except when they don’t. Or when the Bible is silent on the subject. Or when it suits their purposes.
Some examples of when we’re supposed to Revile Scientists as Evil Atheists Bent on Destroying Our Faith:
-Evolution
-Global warming
-Anything involving sex
When we’re supposed to Hail Scientists as Great Supporters of What We Already Knew:
-Genetics
-Technology
The funny thing is, there are things we take for granted when it comes to science and how it interacts with faith. For example, when the Bible says the sun stood still, that used to be something to take literally. It was shocking and scandalous to think that Earth revolves around the sun. Nowadays, we simply fit our reading of Scripture into what we’ve learned. Most people would say that particular phrase isn’t strictly literal. It looks, from our perspective, as though it’s the sun moving. So our brains read the text as saying that it appeared that the sun stood still.
As I mentioned, we’re supposed to support scientific discoveries when it comes to genetics. This includes the generally accepted formula of XX = female, XY = male. No exceptions. Unless, of course, there are. It is a fact that just those letters alone can result in multiple variations, with extra chromosomes. Not only that, even with the standard codes, there can be physiologic (internal and external biology) variations.
When I was pregnant with our first child, and the ultrasound revealed that it was a boy, I started thinking about this. I was in graduate school, taking a class on human sexuality. We watched a film on gender identity and gender expression which featured several different scenarios. There were transpeople (one man and one woman) and a woman who had been born with both sets of genitals but whose parents had chosen to have her male anatomy surgically removed (which left her very confused later on).
I started thinking about what we would do if our child were born with both male and female anatomy. Would we opt to remove one set? Which one? What if he/she regretted it later? I wondered what we would do if we had raised him as a boy, but he was really a girl—with or without both sets of genitals. Would we support transitioning? At what age?
I’m sure that much of my musing was hormone-induced, but I’ve never forgotten it. At this point, I have two kids who give every indication that they are internally consistent with their external bits. But what if they weren’t? All I’ve ever heard from other Christians is that they would need therapy to “make” their internal feelings match their genetic code and their physical bodies. I’ve just never quite understood why. I’ve never been clear on why it couldn’t be the other way around.
We’re so quick to jump on the anti-science bandwagon when we think it goes against a literal reading of the Bible. Why are we so eager to accept science, even when the Bible is silent on the subject? Yes, I’m aware that there’s a verse about men not wearing women’s clothes (though none about women in men’s clothes, interestingly). So how come we can eat shrimp, but not cross-dress? And how about the fact that transpeople aren’t merely cross-dressers? The Bible gives no guidance on that.
The real issue, for me, is that too many people are willing to dismiss transpeople as crazy, misguided, or just plain strange. What’s odd about the fact that I’m not so willing is that I don’t know even one single transperson in real life. I met one transwoman, once, and it was right before she transitioned. But I’m not okay with waving people aside and making assumptions about others. And I’m not willing to use a single aspect of science to discredit the very real experiences of people who could be my friends, neighbors, and co-workers. I’m not even sure I got this blog post right, but I’m open to learning, in the interest of treating all humans with dignity.
If you’re ready to begin to understand people, even those who seem very different from you, good. Read some books. Read some articles. Do some research. Try to look at things from someone else’s point of view. And if your heart shatters like glass in the process, so much the better.
During my college years, I learned two things that cannot be reconciled: women are victims, but not when they are actually being victimized.
Let me tell a couple of stories here. First, when I was in my second year of college, there was a new student on campus. He quickly gained a reputation for harassing female students. He repeatedly got physical (in non-sexual ways) with many of my friends. I had mostly managed to avoid him, until returning from winter break. As I made my way to one of the campus buildings to retrieve my mail, he ran at me and dragged me to the ground. He didn’t do anything else, and I told him exactly what I thought of him (I’ve never been one to keep my mouth shut). I walked away, not wanting to continue to interact with him. He chased after me, telling me that he deserved for me to hit him and that he would give me a free shot at his face. I declined. It took all year, but after enough of us complained, some action was attempted by the college. He chose to leave, and any discipline against him was rendered null. But it took a group of seven of us, all saying the same things, to get anywhere. Apparently, being taken out walking on campus, being choked, and being jabbed in the hand with a knife didn’t count as inappropriate enough.
The year after that, I worked as a TA in the science lab. My co-TA and I taught the lab and graded the reports. We created the practical part of the exams. It was (at least for me) a fun job, for the most part. That is, with one exception. I’ll call him Mervin (mostly because it sounds similar to “pervert,” which is what I’d rather call him). Anyway, at first, he seemed harmless. He flirted a little, I blew him off. I was TA, after all, and I already had a boyfriend. But it got ugly. He started to turn in his lab reports with things like “slut,” “bitch,” and “whore” written at the top. He was outright rude to me in class, in front of the other students. My co-TA thought this was cute. She said that he obviously had a crush on me and that I should be flattered by his attention. She convinced me that I didn’t need to talk to our boss about it, that it was harmless. Because that’s how guys show they like us, right?
At the same time, I learned that “real” victimization was in the realm of dating relationships. If I had sex, it was a sign that my boyfriend was taking advantage of me. An adult with whom I volunteered (not a college professor) told me that having sex would ruin the rest of the relationship. Men take advantage of their girlfriends and then don’t respect them afterward.
So, having consensual sex with someone I loved meant I was a victim. Being pulled to the ground or called vicious names, not so much.
And that, right there, shaped my barely-adult self. I didn’t have sex with my boyfriend (who is now my husband), but I felt guilty every time we expressed ourselves intimately. And I didn’t stand up for myself when I was being harassed.
What a horrible and backwards way to view the world.
We need to teach our daughters that this is not healthy. We need to make sure that they have a genuine understanding of love, sex, and relationships and a clear distinction between that and victimization. Otherwise, what we end up with are young women filled with shame and guilt about sex, but who think that real men show their love with violence and degradation; that they can’t help it, so we are responsible for keeping them in line.
We can’t do that to our daughters.
