Arts

So, I really did mean to write a post on Friday.  Instead, I had my pupils dilated at the eye doctor’s office followed by the Day from Hell.  I was all proud of myself for getting my chores done before lunch so my daughter and I could go pick out new glasses.  It was a good thing I did, since the rest of my afternoon was filled with one stupid frustration after another.  Anyway, I’m making up for it by snarking about Fifty Shades.  That always makes me feel better.

I’m tired of rehashing the plot of these novels week after week by saying, “Christian is abusive, Ana shows signs that she’s a victim of domestic violence, and they are two of the most self-absorbed people on the planet.”  So I’m going to list my least favorite phrases in this chapter and offer commentary.  All grammatical errors are the author’s.

I allow myself a moment to examine his godlike profile…

Um. Ok.

“Happy now? He’s [Taylor, Christian’s driver] listening to his iPod. Puccini. Forget he’s here. I do.”

So, basically, he treats his employees like crap.  Got it.

My inner goddess is down on bended knee with her hands clasped in supplication begging me.

Gah! It’s the Return of the Inner Goddess!  There needs to be a Fifty Shades drinking game for every time “Laters, baby,” “oh, my,” inner goddess, and subconscious make an appearance.  Wait–there probably already is.  I want in.

My anxiety has shot up several magnitudes on the Richter scale.

So anxiety and orgasms are both earth-shaking.  I’ll keep that in mind.

Those photos the boy [José, emphasis mine] took…

There’s so much wrong with this.  Should we start with the racism or the infantilization?

My subconscious nods with satisfaction.

Drink!

If that isn’t a declaration of love, I don’t know what is.

Christian has just listed things he likes about her and has said he wants her, but he never said he loves her.  A declaration of love is usually, oh, I don’t know, maybe saying “I love you”?

“Christian, why do you think you have a dark soul?…you’re a good man…you’re generous, you’re kind, and you’ve never lied to me.”

Is that all it takes to be a “good man”?  Giving people things and/or money and not lying?  Huh.  I’d have thought “not stalking people” and “not abusing people” might make the list.

“Then, after I left, it dawned on me that the physical pain you inflicted was not as bad as the pain of losing you.”

Said many an abused partner.

“Sometimes you’re so closed off…like an island state.”

Uh, what?  I think that’s a good description of “isolated,” not for shutting people out.

“You intimidate me. That’s why I keep quiet.”

How again are people missing the abuse here?

“And you’re prepared to do all this for me. I’m the one who is undeserving, and I’m just sorry I can’t do all those things for you.”

This is how it works, people.  She shouldn’t have to put up with his shit, but he somehow manages to turn it around, make it look like he’s being noble, and suddenly she’s saying she’s “undeserving” of having him NOT FUCKING ABUSE HER.  No, I didn’t read it wrong.

“…I am not going to touch you again, not until you beg me to…so that you’ll start communicating with me.”

Nice manipulation there.

He…pulls out a large gift-wrapped box.

So, he had this whole thing planned out, despite the fact that they had broken up.  Because it’s not at all creepy for your ex to buy you expensive gifts in order to bribe you.

“Laters, baby.”

Ugh.  I completely hate this phrase.  Hate.  Drink!

Holy shit…an iPad.

Because the rest of the gifts aren’t good enough?  And why is she more shocked by the iPad than the other things?  Also, why does she have a Blackberry if all her other stuff is Apple products?  Inquiring minds want to know.

Holy cow.  I have a Christian Grey mix-tape in the guise of a high-end iPad.

Is there even such a thing as a “high-end” iPad?  I’ve been checking out iPads in order to make a purchase later this year.  They’re basically all the same, other than size and memory.  I’m not sure that’s the term I’d use to describe the difference.  Also, “mix-tape”?  Seriously?  Do people even use that term anymore?

…he’s put a great deal of thought into this gift.

She describes how he’s built the model plane she gave him when she left, photographed it, and made it into the background on her iPad.  So, actually, this quote is true.  I would actually find the gesture very romantic and sweet.  That is, if Christian weren’t such a stalker who did all this after she had broken up with him.

…my inner goddess curls up hugging herself on her chaise lounge…

Drink!

With a swipe of my finger, the icons shift, and several new ones appear…

How much is E. L. James being paid to be free advertising for Apple?

Words–whatever that is

I found exactly one app called “Words,” and it’s a word search puzzle game.  Maybe she means Words with Friends, but how she doesn’t know that one is beyond me.  I don’t even play it and I know what it is.  For someone working in publishing, Ana is kind of a Luddite.

She starts to sing, and her voice is a silken scarf wrapping around me, enveloping me.

The over-the-top metaphors are wearisome.  Maybe we need a drinking game for those, too.

If this isn’t an apology, what is it?

She’s listening to the music on the iPad.  Somehow, the whole thing seems sort of like the way very young people interact when they’re dating.  Teenagers and people in movies make music mixes and think that suffices for an apology.  Adults actually, you know, apologize.

My subconscious nods at me, trying to hide her pity.

First of all, what?  Ana, it’s your own damn subconscious–it can’t “hide it’s pity” from you because it is you.  Second, drink!

I’m glad you like it.  I bought one for myself. [email to Ana about the iPad]

Yeah, okay, that totally sounds like the way some guys interact.  “I love this new gadget!  I bought one for you too, honey!”  It made me laugh.  Also, my husband would never do that, but I’ll bet he smirks inside every time he gets a new thing, lets me check it out, and I say, “Hey this is awesome.  I want one too!”

His response made me smile, still so bossy, still so Christian.

Yep. Bossy reply to the woman who just said she loves you.  Good going, dude.  (Ana ended her email with “I love you,” which Christian did not say back to her.)

I drift slowly into sleep, marveling at how the world has righted itself in one evening…

That’s certainly not what I got out of this chapter.

Up next week: Chapter 3.  Dun, dun dun!  Laters, baby. (Drink!)

Warnings: The Fifty Shades series is extremely sexually explicit and involves BDSM. Because of that, and because they are not exactly well-researched or high-quality literature, I will mention things such as abuse, rape, rape culture, male dominance, sexism, relationship violence, and consensual BDSM. Also, the books began as Twilight fanfic, so I will be mentioning Twilight (which is a major squick for a lot of people just by itself).

Why, hello, Monday!  Time for another round of Fifty Shades.  If you’re new to this blog, I’m reading through the Fifty Shades series and forcing everyone to suffer along with me on Mondays.  If you want to know what I’ve written about it before, click the link on the right and you’ll find all my Fifty Shades posts in reverse order.

Please just put me out of my misery now.  I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’m on Christian’s side for once.  I honestly hate myself right now, both for feeling that way and for admitting it in public.

Chapter 2 starts with Christian taking Ana to a restaurant any normal couple would like for its semi-casual, romantic atmosphere.  It’s beneath Christian, of course, which is how we are reminded once again that he is a super rich, refined person and that we should admire him for his taste.  They’re in a hurry, so he takes the liberty of ordering for Ana–who reacts as though he hadn’t just done this for an entire previous novel.

I get the sense that’s not what she’s really reacting to, though it probably should be.  I’m with her that she ought to be allowed to order her own dang food.  My husband knows better than to do this for me unless I’ve asked and preferably supplied him with a list of acceptable choices.  On the other hand, my husband and I don’t have the kind of relationship where he stalks me and controls me, we break up, and I stop eating.  So there’s that.

Here’s where I’m on Christian’s side.  He’s picked up on the fact that Ana has no interest in José but is using him to make Christian jealous.  He’s correct that this is juvenile behavior.  It’s the kind of thing very young or inexperienced people do sometimes.  Christian is right that it’s hurtful to José (I wonder if it just killed him to actually care about José’s feelings).  Immature people sometimes don’t consider the effect on someone else.  Given that this describes a lot of Ana’s interactions with the world, it’s not too surprising.

The reason it just destroys me to have to side with Christian on anything–ever–is that he is, like everything else, such an ass about it.  I don’t mean that he’s angry; that’s actually reasonable.  It’s that in a healthy relationship without power struggles, Ana would not feel “chastened” by him as though he were her parent.

Their discussion quickly progresses to their last interaction.  I have a hard time getting past the unnatural dialogue, but at least they’ve gone there.  It just keeps getting weirder.  It’s like E. L. James has sort of forgotten what she actually wrote.  Christian asks Ana why she didn’t use a safe word the last time they were together.  As I recall, it’s because she asked him to show her the worst he could give, and they weren’t actually having sex; they were arguing, and she demanded to know what he would do to her.  They weren’t playing–he was providing her a demonstration.  Maybe that shouldn’t have mattered, but when you have poorly-defined boundaries for your relationship, that makes it hard to know how to use things like safe words.

She tells him that she didn’t use a safe word because she was overwhelmed with trying to be what he wanted.  Again, this doesn’t really fit with what happened.  She wasn’t trying to be what he wanted–she was trying to find out what would happen if she wasn’t what he wanted.  There’s a pretty big difference.

Ana concludes that she could have avoided the break-up if she had just used her safe word.  Of course!  Because the best way to handle an abusive, controlling jerk is to blame yourself for his behavior.  I mean, why don’t more people think of that?  Oh, wait.  They do.  And, like any decently abusive and controlling jerk, Christian is pissed at Ana for not stopping him from being an abusive, controlling jerk.  Because safe words.

I am utterly confused and horrified by his next words to her: “How can I trust you?”

This is a thing that abusers use.  It’s what gets said to people everywhere whose partners are harming them.  “How can I trust you not to do something that’s going to set me off?”  Christian failed to provide a safe learning environment for a naive young woman and then blamed her for not grasping the rules properly.  What a complete dick.

In any other kind of book, I could actually love the next part.  He confesses that she told him in her sleep that she loved him and would never leave him, and he tells her how much that meant to him.  It’s like this tiny little spark of genuine romance that would have worked perfectly in a book with flawed but ultimately decent characters.  Sadly, this is not that book.

And just like that, the moment is ruined by Christian telling Ana that she has to eat or he’s going to spank her, and it won’t be in a sexual way.  Because threatening abuse is absolutely the best way to get someone to take care of herself.  Probably only works on self-centered, immature recent college grads, though.  Too bad.

I’ll leave it there for this week.  Join me next week for another installment, or stick around and see what else I’ve got planned this week.

Warnings: The Fifty Shades series is extremely sexually explicit and involves BDSM. Because of that, and because they are not exactly well-researched or high-quality literature, I will mention things such as abuse, rape, rape culture, male dominance, sexism, relationship violence, and consensual BDSM. Also, the books began as Twilight fanfic, so I will be mentioning Twilight (which is a major squick for a lot of people just by itself).

Happy Monday!  It’s time for today’s episode of Dysfunctional Relationship Dynamics.  (You should imagine that in a melodramatic radio soap opera voice.)  When we last saw our heroine (of sorts), she was in a helicopter on her way to her not-boyfriend’s photography show with her no-longer-boyfriend.  We catch up with them at the gallery.

I don’t know about the rest of you, but I have no idea how a relationship largely built on being jealous of other people could survive.  Back when I was dating my husband, I was well aware that other women found him attractive.  He is objectively very good-looking.  The thing is, we had–and still have–a great relationship.  I don’t find other women’s interest bothersome in the least; it’s a huge ego boost to know that he loves me, even though there are other attractive, nice, wonderful women out there.

Ana is an idiot.  No, really.  We have to hear constantly about how annoying it is that these other women are flirting with “her” man.  Well, honey, if he decides to dump you for one of them, then your relationship wasn’t going anywhere.  And if he’s with you, then quit complaining.  The whole “keep your hands off my man” thing is old now.

The jealous lover thing goes both ways, though.  Christian can’t stand it that anyone else might find Ana attractive.  It doesn’t matter that he apparently has nothing to worry about; he’s still going to be a jerk about it.  That would drive me up the wall after about five minutes.  Ana is no more able to control other people’s reactions to her than Christian is–or than any other human on the planet.  Does he expect Ana to say, “Stop finding me attractive”?  Why isn’t it enough that she says she’s not interested?

Along with that, Christian keeps doing this one really irritating thing.  He refers to José as “the boy.”  I remember being in my late twenties (hey, it wasn’t that long ago).  At no point did I think of college graduates–at age 21 or 22–as anything other than adults.  They are not “boys” or “girls.”  Christian doesn’t sound like a fellow young adult; he sounds like a middle-aged man going through a crisis, being intentionally condescending to make up for his own wasted youth.  He’s infantilizing José, which I find distasteful–it implies José isn’t mature enough to exist in the adult world.

I did find one thing on which I agree with Ana–the photographs José has taken of her are invasive.  I’m not sure what the rules are about these things and if there’s any legal ramifications.  Whenever I’ve seen people photographed and their images posted online, I’ve typically seen disclaimers that the people’s photos were used with their permission (unless they were professional models).  Ana has every right to be pissed off, and I don’t blame Christian one bit for buying them.  I’m fairly sure Christian could afford a lawyer good enough to ruin José for using the photos in his show without Ana’s written consent.  This just proves my point from the last book in the series where I think José is every bit as much of a creepy stalker as Christian.

Maybe it’s me, but I don’t honestly think women want to be treated the way men treat Ana in these books.  We might see it as romantic while reading the story, but in real life?  No way.  I wouldn’t be able to handle dating a man who could track me the way Christian does.  Someone like José wouldn’t stand a chance after continuing to push after I’d said no or using photos of me without asking.  I sure as heck wouldn’t date my boss, and I’d be looking for new employment the second I sensed inappropriate advances.

Dear Ana:  The world is full of much better men, regardless of what you’ve read on the Internet.  Don’t settle for one of the bad ones.  Also, normal people own more than one dress.  Love, Me.