Culture

What safe space?

Remember last week when I (probably somewhat rudely, I’ll admit) said, “Fuck living in the tension”? I just want to take some time to clarify that. Many thanks to the Christians expressing their “grief” over the SCOTUS decision yesterday for helping me to figure out what was bothering me that led to my statement.

First, I want to make it absolutely, perfectly, 100% clear that I was NOT talking to any of my LGBTQI friends or family or strangers on the Internet. That remark was solely intended for my fence-sitting straight Christian brothers and sisters. It’s important that I emphasize that, because dialogue about LGBTQI issues and faith can never, ever begin with me–which is actually why I abhor “living in the tension” so much. That phrase is aimed at straight people and meant to imply something like, “How the heck do I love gay people when I really think they’re outside God’s will?” It’s a really bad place to begin any kind of conversation; you can’t go into something with the idea that another person needs to convince you of the validity of their identity and how that looks to them.

What sparked my fury and my desire to try again to explain to the nice straight people what we’re all doing wrong was this post at A Deeper Story. See, my issue is absolutely not with any LGBTQI people who are learning what it means to honor their identity and be a person of faith. That’s a respectable journey, and no one–NO ONE–needs my, or anyone else’s, permission to take it.

The problem is that straight people all seem to think we’re entitled to an opinion on someone else’s identity. That conversation at A Deeper Story? All about straight angst because we have feels about homosexuality. This goes for both sides of the “debate,” by the way. You know that thing people do when you tell your story and the first thing they do is derail and start talking about themselves? Yeah, same thing.

Here’s a newsflash: It’s not about you. Whatever your personal opinion–even if you’re sure it’s “biblical”–about LGBTQI people, that’s all it is; it’s your opinion. You do not need special times and places to write about it, because there are people all over, on both sides, who share it. You do not need “safe space” to be sad about marriage equality. You are not entitled to determine someone else’s humanity or their faith.

What has long bothered me, though I didn’t quite have the words for it, was this idea of inviting people to the table to talk about how we should handle relationship with LGBTQI people. It bothers me because it’s still the people with privilege sitting in our positions of power making decisions about who is welcome and in what capacity. That’s not how it should work.

You really want to have this conversation? Then I suggest starting with actual LGBTQI people who are working out their identities and their faith stories. You want links? Come back tomorrow and check out my Friday links round-up, where I’ll connect you with a whole bunch of people. After that, try doing a Google search for things like “LGBT Christians” and “Queer Theology.” Whether you agree or not isn’t important; what’s important is that you see what Christians identifying as LGBTQI are saying about themselves.

Before I get hate mail or protests along the lines of, “But I know a gay person! And that person appreciates my honesty that I don’t approve of the lifestyle!” please take a moment to think about that. When was the last time you “appreciated” it when someone chose some vital part of your life and disapproved but said “I love you anyway”? I honestly don’t care whether you approve of my friends and family or not. Either way, it’s not terribly helpful or loving to remind them all the time what you think, and it’s not your job to have an opinion about someone who has reconciled his or her faith and identity.

I just don’t understand why there’s this need for such anxiety, unless deep down you’re worried that if you don’t help people get this whole gay thing under control, they’ll wind up in hell. Seriously? Stop with the hair-pulling already. Here’s some suggestions for Things You Can Do with Your Christian LGBTQI Friends:

Have a nice cup of tea or coffee
Exchange conversation about the blessings in your life
Talk about ways you’re hurting and listen to theirs
Make a play date for your kids
Go see a live band
Ask them how they see their faith/identity/sexuality, without explaining what you think of any of those things

I stand by what I said: “Fuck living in the tension.” But it applies to straight people who use it to have discussions about whether we should include them in our worship. Until we upend the conversation and start viewing it the other way around, we will never be able to come to the table together.

Notable News: Week of June 1-7, 2013

Cool Stuff, Culture, Links, News

I don’t know about you, but I’m glad it’s Friday. My kids have one last recital tomorrow, and after that, we’re done with performance season. It’s always a lot of fun, but it’s tiring!

Here are a few of my favorite posts this week.

1. Femininity

I appreciated Megan Gahan’s Reclaiming Femininity because I, too, have struggled with accepting the frillier parts of womanhood. I suppose all I would add is that being feminine isn’t about rejecting or embracing lace and ruffles and high heels. It’s about the freedom to choose without shame.

2. Sexism

Sarah Moon continues her series “You Are Not Your Own” with this post about gender roles and dehumanization. The photos she’s used to illustrate animalization and objectification are strikingly horrible. Lately, I’ve started seeing some things creeping into my various social media timelines in which men are dehumanized in similar ways. The answer to the objectification of women is not to do it to men, it’s to stop doing it.

3. Masturbation

Rachel Held Evans gathered 7 different perspectives on the subject and shared them on her blog. I highly recommend reading it, and if you’re feeling strong, read the comments as well. Unfortunately, there is still a lot of shame both in the act and in discussing it, so even if I don’t entirely agree with some of what’s been said (and generally think that “Christian” perspectives lack the necessary knowledge of basic human biology), I’m glad people are talking.

4. Writing

Feeling creative? Like to write? My fellow writers/bloggers Tamara Woods and Michelle Liew are running the Creative Buzz Hop. Go check out the prompt and write something, then link up with them. You’ve still got nearly a week for the current prompt, so get writing!

5. Dialects

These maps of regional dialects in the U. S. are interesting. I don’t know whether it’s because of bias in the questions or because of my specific location or because my parents weren’t natives to the city in which I grew up, but quite a lot of these were wrong for me. You can check it out and see if it fits for you.

6. Headdesk

A friend introduced me to this Tumblr account. She sent me this one a few days ago and it made me laugh out loud. It may have made me snort, though I won’t confirm that. I also really, really like this one.

7. Cartoons

Two really good ones this week from Naked Pastor: Rob Bell’s bullshit and emotionally invested preconceived stereotype of women. Boy, can I relate to the last one. The one and only person I’ve ever blocked from my blog and my Twitter feed (other than bots, of course) certainly had quite a lot of it.

8. Slut-shaming

Here we go again. I’m not really interested in the lives of celebrities, but this article made me furious. It’s not so much about morals as it is about how people who otherwise don’t care who gets into bed with whom think it’s okay to go off on Kate Winslet for having children with the men she’s married. It’s framed in such a bizarre way that we would not see if it were a man and his successive wives. It’s also something done to non-celebs all the time, particularly non-white women. Back when I was a school nurse, we had a student who was the middle child of ten. He mother was not married at the time the girl was at my school, but she had a very young baby–which meant she was open to the ridicule of the staff. I remember saying at the time that we didn’t know her life or her circumstances and we needed to shut up (and thankfully, my principal and the girl’s classroom teacher backed me on that). Even then I knew that the attitude was both misogynistic and racist, though I didn’t have quite the words back then to describe what bothered me. Anyway, we need to shut up about Kate Winslet, since we don’t actually know her whole story or her life and it’s not any of our business regardless.

9. Superheroes

I love these wonderful drawings of favorite women superheroes wearing more practical–and less skimpy–clothes. Honestly, I wasn’t quite sure at first about the drawing of the men in skimpy costumes because (as I said above) I don’t think the answer is to objectify men. But I think that’s the point of the drawing–that it’s equally bad when we make it all about paring down the costume so we can see ripply muscles and, er, other endowments, as well as underscoring the impracticality of saving the world in a bathing suit.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

Geeks for Jesus

Culture, Feminism

By powerbooktrance [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

Some time ago, I tweeted about my interest in the relationship between the misogyny in geek culture and the misogyny in Christian culture. I haven’t forgotten about it, and I’m still digging through some things. Something a friend commented on what I shared on Facebook yesterday made me sit up and take notice, because I think it’s relevant.

I linked to this piece about prejudices that continue to appear in films. My friend commented that she wasn’t surprised, as she believes media reflects culture rather than influencing it. Now, I don’t entirely agree–I think there’s a kind of unhealthy symbiosis there–but I do think she’s mostly right. Playing with Barbies doesn’t make little girls want skinny waists and big boobs, but Barbie sure does reflect what little girls are taught to want.

Over time, I’ve seen how Christian culture reinforces many of these norms. For all the talk of being “in the world but not of the world,” there’s an awful lot of blending of church and culture. This includes running a church like a business, creating flashy shows and aiming for being “relevant,” and a capitalist mentality that urges people to give more of their money to a specific church and its programs than to their community’s needs. It’s not surprising to see the same kind of mutually parasitic relationship between church and culture as between media and culture.

I want to continue to explore the subject of geekdom and Christianity in part because I’ve seen a slow progression in the church over the last 20+ years I’ve been involved. When I first became a Christian, the sorts of things one finds at gatherings like Comic-Con were acceptable among adolescents, but still considered fringe. These days, pastors even give sermons on Star Wars, video games, and the latest superhero movies and you can find Christian web sites with geek themes.

I’ve also noticed that a lot of my more conservative religious friends (which is, admittedly, a very small sample of American Christians) really love the just-this-side-of-mainstream geek culture–but only if it’s perceived as not being “evil” in some way (Luke Skywalker but not Harry Potter; Batman but not Buffy). There’s also a failure to examine sexism, racism, and homophobia in any of these worlds. When one holds up the lone female character–who often has to be saved by the men–as an example of “but it does contain women!” there’s something wrong.

It’s hard to tell how the lines ended up blurred. Are churches cashing in on the cultural shift in geekdom becoming at least marginally more mainstream? Are the reinforced gender stereotypes in much of geek culture and in church culture related by more than just the broad category of misogyny? Or is the church just, in a warped sense, welcoming something perceived as an ally in proper gender roles?

I’m interested in your thoughts. If you have something you’d like to say about any of this, my space is open to you. What have your experiences been? I’m leaving it open-ended, so there’s no time limit. If you have something to share, let me know. You can leave a comment or use the contact form.

Notable News: Week of May 25-31, 2013

Cool Stuff, Links, News

It’s a gorgeous, hot, sunny day here where I am. Today, my 9-year-old takes part in his first big competition. He’s going with his jazz band to a school about an hour away where they will compete against middle and high schoolers (his is the only elementary band, so they’re in the middle school category). Best of luck, kiddo!

While I pass the hours until my daughter and I drive out to watch him, I’m rounding up some of my favorite links for the week.

1. When modesty policing happens

Modesty culture: the gift that keeps giving. Or, in this case, that keeps pitting us against one another as we struggle to define terms and create safer space for women. I will admit to going into my reading of this piece on Rage Against the Minivan knowing that many of the writers I respect disliked it. I was surprised to find that I actually agreed with quite a lot of it, but there were niggling doubts in my mind. The responses to it confirmed that it wasn’t my imagination. Several people have expressed their concerns far better than I could. Here’s a list of the best ones:

2. When “ask Rachel Held Evans” happens

For those who haven’t been following her, she has a regular “Ask a…” series. This time, she’s left it open for us to ask her. Go take a look and post your questions.

3. When kindness happens

I haven’t been following the story, but apparently others have. Over on Hännah’s blog she’s been tracking the story of her friend’s escape from a controlling, abusive, fundamentalist environment. She had requested donations to help Jennifer, and the response was overwhelming. I hope you have a few minutes to read the original posts and the update. It’s pretty inspiring.

4. When affirmation happens

I happen to attend a welcoming/affirming church. Sometimes, that’s what’s needed. I challenge you to make it through this post from Registered Runaway without feeling moved.

5. When fatherhood happens

This is a fantastic post about why it’s a terrible idea to label women the “natural nurturers.” When our son was born, I remember one of the women at the church we attended telling me that she hated when people referred to dads as “babysitting” their children. Although I would not have thought to use that phrase myself, I had never given it much consideration. After nearly 10 years of parenting together, I can confirm the truth in that. My husband is, in fact, much more naturally nurturing than I am. And he most definitely does not “babysit” our kids–he parents them.

6. When “things that should never be combined” happens

You get something like this. (Warning: Contains Christianese and reference to Christian porn. Not explicit, but read it after any minors are in bed. Also, I shouldn’t have to say this, but it’s not real.)

7. When fiction happens

If you haven’t been reading the series “On the Night Bus” over at Rubies and Duels, go do so right now.

You can also read my own latest fiction, The Smokin’ Hot Wives Club.

That’s it for this week. I hope you all have a great weekend. I’m going to spend mine watching my kids perform in their first recital at this dance studio. I’ll be back on Monday with my usual Fifty Shades post. Catch you all later!

Notable News: Week of May 18-24, 2013

Cool Stuff, Links, News, Odds 'n' Ends

Why, hello there, Friday! I don’t know what the weather is like where you all are, but here it’s rainy and cold. Here’s hoping for some improvement in the conditions so I can enjoy the long weekend.

Lots of stuff going on this week. Here’s a look at a few:

1. Oklahoma

I am incredibly sorry for all the devastating loss this week. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Perhaps the same cannot be said for others, unfortunately. Apparently, I mostly know decent, kindhearted folks, because I hadn’t been aware that anyone had implied that the people of Oklahoma don’t deserve our help. Kristin Rawls writes eloquently about the flaw in such thinking. I’d like to see us move past tired political and religious debates every time there’s a tragedy. That bad things will happen is a given; that people can respond with love and care is apparently not. Let’s change that.

2. John Piper

No one should be surprised that John Piper said something insensitive in the wake of the tornado. Whether or not he was trying to, he hurt people with his unthinking tweets. I’m hesitant to ascribe motive, but I also know that it was flat-out wrong. Rachel Held Evans has a great response to the theology of deserved punishment.

3. The Pope

The Pope made some statements this week that have some people thrilled and others cautious. Did he really suggest something that sounded like universalism? Maybe not. Either way, I think it’s good that he made such statements. I would add, however, that my non-Christian friends hardly need the Pope’s permission (nor mine, for that matter) to continue believing as they do. The debate is really only relevant if one believes in a literal Hell anyway.

The above three things lead me to . . .

4. Hell

Dianna Anderson sums up nicely what’s wrong with using tragedy as a warped wake-up call to repentance and salvation.

I’m familiar with the idea that all our interactions with people must have an agenda. I learned early on in my Christian faith that it was a top priority to tell everyone how to be saved. Saved, of course, had a very narrow definition–that of saying a magic-words-type prayer to “receive” Jesus into our hearts, at which time we were assured of not going to Hell. I’d been a Christian for a year when someone came at me with that prayer, and I was left convinced that since I’d never said it, I wasn’t actually saved at all. Naturally, I didn’t want to go to Hell, so I said it. For many years after that, I felt guilty that I couldn’t produce that same result in my peers. So as a college student, I volunteered to lead middle school kids. Nothing says “Jesus loves you” like taking kids to camp, wearing them down for three days, and slamming them with the doctrine of Hell, right? Yeah.

5. Defense of Piper

You can read it here. Just let it sink in for a moment.

6. Oppression

I love this piece by Marika Rose, a PhD student at Durham, about our need to recognize our own oppression and listen to those who point it out to us. Instead of having hurt feelings, we could all try learning about what we’re doing wrong.

7. Premarital ~~stress~~ sex

All the effort to remove the stigma of non-virginity and stop obsessing over what unmarried people do with their privates is paying off. This article from The Atlantic is a good summary of the dialogue that’s been going on for some time in Christian spheres. It’s time to break this wide open so that we can have a real conversation about sex that doesn’t rely on tired purity narratives and rules-based theology.

8. Womanhood

Sarah Bessey has the right words to explain what makes me feel awkward every time I’m in a Christian bookstore. For years I lived with the sense that I hadn’t arrived yet at “real” womanhood. And if I wasn’t the right kind of woman, what did that make me? I love this line from the post:

I believe that in the Kingdom of God, true womanhood and true manhood is not so different from true personhood.

Amen.

9. Gaslighting

I absolutely won’t post my own bloggy drama from this week. If you follow me, you’ve read it, and I don’t care to rehash. What was interesting to me was that I had some private communications with four or five people (who I won’t name, out of respect) in which all of them used some variant on “gaslighting for God.” This morning, I noticed that one of the people I follow on Twitter had referenced this post by Sarah Moon on the very subject of gaslighting. The experience she describes in the post about criticizing a popular Christian leader echoes my own quite nicely, and I appreciate this:

They are good at stepping on your feet and then making you apologize for asking them to move.

10. Boy Scouts

For heaven’s sake, Boy Scouts. Make up your damn minds. Either you’re ok with gay people or you’re not; let’s not have this wishy-washy crapola passing as “progress.” I really ought to write a whole post about this, but let me sum up. Allowing gay youth to be scouts but not gay adults to be leaders:

reinforces the lie that gay men are pedophiles or dangerous in some other way (by recruiting? not sure)
tells gay youth that they will not be welcome once they are adults
implies that being gay is a phase and that if youth sufficiently outgrow it, they’re still welcome

May I also remind everyone that this is not a step of progress. BSA considers this an end point–some kind of compromise. I guess the good news is that they’ve managed to piss off just about everyone with this decision, so perhaps there’s a chance to rethink things. Good grief, it must be the Apocalypse; Tony Perkins and I both agree that something is a bad idea.

11. Anonymous

You should really check out the posts in The Anonymous Project over at Jennifer Luitwieler’s blog. There’s some really good stuff going on.

12. Humor

This post is actually about the unfortunate choices we make when writing, but I loved the story about Chris Morris’ eight-year-old, and I hope you do too.

I think that about does it. I’m taking Monday off to hang with my family and go to the orthodontist (yay! home stretch on my braces!), so I’ll see you all on Tuesday. Have a great weekend!

Notable News: Week of May 4-10, 2013

Books, Cool Stuff, Links, News, Odds 'n' Ends

It’s been quite a week. Here are some of the highlights of what I’ve been reading.

1. Charles Ramsey is a hero

The interview with Mr. Ramsey after the rescue was compelling. He comes across as a man of great compassion. I heard several people saying they thought “hero” was too strong a word, since “all” he did was call 911. But I like how this article in the New Yorker puts it:

But one phrase in particular, from the interview, is worth dwelling on: “I figured it was a domestic-violence dispute.” In many times and places, a line like that has been offered as an excuse for walking away, not for helping a woman break down your neighbor’s door. How many women have died as a result? They didn’t yesterday.

So, yes, Mr. Ramsey is a hero, and those hostages are free as a result.

2. And speaking of victims

This is a fascinating article on the fixation with crimes against white women and girls. Many years ago, a local girl was kidnapped and murdered by her neighbor. When she went missing, it was huge news. Everyone was in on it, and people were glued to the television. I remember my mother saying that she felt terrible for the girl and her family, but she was disappointed that yet again, a white girl’s plight was more important than all the missing non-white children. Things haven’t changed much in the intervening years.

3. Are Christians a persecuted minority?

The short answer is, “NO.” If you’d like a longer explanation, though, you can read one here by Myisha Cherry. I’m going to throw my own two cents in on this one. I don’t appreciate being lumped (by other Christians) into the category of “maligned.” I do not now, nor have I ever, felt as though I could not express my faith or my views–except as an LGBTQ ally in a conservative church. Even when I held those conservative views I didn’t feel persecuted. No one–not even my LGBTQ friends–ever told me to keep my mouth shut (though maybe they should have). On the other hand, I was asked to silence myself among conservatives. How much worse is it for those who cannot live authentic lives because of the disapproving words and actions of the church.

4. I have rage

In the last few weeks, I’ve had several online and in-person conversations with people about publishing and marketing and the biases there. Despite all that, apparently some men seem to think there’s nothing “for them” to read. Because the shelves at Barnes & Noble are not stocked with all kinds of action/adventure/spy novels or memoirs of football players and pro wrestlers, of course. There is nothing available that men would like, right? And of course, there are absolutely no men writing fantasy or science fiction, in case one likes those sorts of books. Most of the classics weren’t written by men with men as the main characters. But, you know, publishing is alienating half the population.

5. On finding our way again

Kassie Rutherford is a phenomenal writer. There is something compelling about her words; she has a knack for venturing deep into emotional territory in a safe way. This incredible post is about how beautiful our stories are, even if we’re the only ones who know them.

6. Sometimes, we’re all just tired

Andi Cumbo sums it up nicely in this post. Maybe, in the midst of all our weariness, we, too, can find sustenance in the things around us.

7. Guest post

I had the privilege of writing a guest post for Dianna Anderson this week for her series “Account and Countenance.” You can read it here.

That’s it for this week. Have a great weekend, and come back Monday. I will have my usual 50 Shades post plus a big announcement. See you then!

What safe space?

Notable News: Week of June 1-7, 2013

Geeks for Jesus

Notable News: Week of May 25-31, 2013

Notable News: Week of May 18-24, 2013

Notable News: Week of May 4-10, 2013

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