Culture

Notable News: Week of April 27-May 3, 2013

It’s been a busy week in my world, with a busy weekend ahead. I’m pausing the chaos long enough to highlight some of my favorites this week.

1. A little encouragement for my friends who are “actively dating”

It’s been a long time since I had need of language for dating, but I remember being in college and finding it strange how many of my classmates seemed to be there for the purpose of finding a husband (yes, women–because let’s face it, this is not how men talk about their college education). I enjoyed Dianna Anderson’s post about changing the way we frame dating and marriage. I hope this brings encouragement to those who need it.

2. Progressives, conservatives, and the abortion debate

I have nothing to add to what Rachel Held Evans has said. For me, it’s been a discomfort in aligning myself with an aspect of feminism with which I don’t agree. I’ve had to step away from the conversation for the sake of friendships, because when I’ve voiced an opinion–on either side–I’ve gotten some pretty hateful responses. And that’s just my actual, real-life friends! As a person with a lot of education and experience in health-related fields, I come down squarely on the side of “this can largely be prevented.” Unfortunately, that’s a pretty unpopular stance on both ends of the spectrum. My Christian friends often think I’m advocating rampant, consequence-free, sinful sexuality; my feminist friends have repeatedly said nasty things about “What if she didn’t consent? What if her birth control failed? What then?” And I’m just left shaking my head.

3. A little more of Jennifer Knapp

Jennifer Knapp is my Christian music crush. I loved her longing lyrics and unusual sound from the first moment I heard her beautiful voice. Have a listen to this song, then go read her responses to “Ask a…” at Rachel Held Evans’ site.

4. Another round of the “Christian vs. Gay” debate–now with 83% more racism

I was morbidly fascinated by the ridiculous meme going around about how “hated” Tim Tebow is for his faith, while Jason Collins gets a virtual party thrown for his coming out. This is my news recap, so I’m not going to repeat myself here about the magnitude of Suck in that belief. You should just go read this piece on how Collins’ faith was ignored and the erasure of non-white Christians from public consciousness. The article highlights the way black athletes are marginalized until they express something that fits into white politics. I would take that further to say that it not only fits into white faith politics but also upholds white beliefs about black faith culture. This isn’t limited to black people of faith, either–the same holds true for any non-white people who don’t fit neatly into the expectations of white evangelical culture. It’s more important to fix that problem than to argue over whether the media likes Tebow or Collins better.

5. No more body shaming!

I should really write about this, but I’m so often appalled at the way Christians, who claim to be “in the world but not of the world,” really like to body shame people. Thinliness is next to godliness, of course. Well, no. And if you’re not feeling good about yourself today, then you need to go read this wonderful post full of affirming, honoring truths. And while you’re at it, skip the stupid Dove ads. Your body/looks/”beauty” do not affect your ability to live, love, laugh, and be happy.

6. And while we’re on the subject…

I laughed so hard I almost peed myself at this parody of the Dove ad. Warning: NSFW, because, you know, balls. You probably don’t want to watch with your kids around, either, though I don’t think I’d care if my almost 10-year-old saw it (the little one wouldn’t understand it). Before you ask, NO, he hasn’t seen it, and NO, I’m not going to show it to him. I’m just saying that I think he knows what they are and what they look like at this point.

7. My latest story

Inspired by Mark Driscoll. That man is a never-ending stream of blog fodder, including short stories.

Have a great weekend and I’ll see you all on Smut-Shaming Monday (AKA Amy reads yet another chapter of Fifty Shades).

Notable News: Week of April 20-26, 2013

Cool Stuff, Links, News, Odds 'n' Ends

Woohoo! It’s Friday! Today, the sun is shining and there’s hardly a cloud in the sky (miraculous, where I live). I hope your day is shaping up to be fantastic. For us, it’s the start of a 3-day weekend for the kids–no school on Monday due to scoring the state tests.

Here are some of my favorite posts for the week. Go get a cup of coffee (or tea or whatever) and have a look.

1. Something that made me want to punch things

If there is any doubt that there is a link between conservative teachings on modesty/purity and the idea that rape is an acceptable punishment for “sin,” this should blow that away. I get it about free speech and all, but this crosses a line. It doesn’t matter that he’s not naming specific individuals; he’s making a lot of people feel unsafe.

2. Something that made me cringe

I admit it, I like most versions of Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah.” I’d really like to read the book that was just released about the song. But I absolutely can’t stand the idea of “Christianizing” the song. I’m pretty much not a fan of Christianizing any song–that falls into the squicky category of “Jesus is my boyfriend” material. But taking a song that already has more spiritual depth and changing the words so they’re overtly Jesus-y? Yeesh.

3. Something that made me feel inspired

I’ve grown to dislike the phrase “a voice for the voiceless.” About a year ago, I met a missionary who gave a talk to some teens about valuing the dignity of all people. He said that while we may not think it’s much when a person lives in a hut with a dirt floor, to that person, it’s home–and they likely don’t feel the same way about it that we do from the outside. He made it clear that it’s not our job to speak in the place of others about what we think they should want or need. This fantastic post from Kathy Escobar is a great reminder of what advocacy should be.

4. Something that made me cheer like a fangirl

I love Jennifer Knapp’s lovely and unique voice. I was enchanted from the first time I heard her sing “A Little More.” So imagine my delight when I saw that she was featured this week on Rachel Held Evans’ “Ask…” series and the floor was opened for questions. I can’t wait to read her responses!

5. Something that made me hopeful

Oh, Nevada. You know we love you for your legal prostitution and your Sin City and your 24-hour Elvis chapels. Now perhaps we can love you for marriage equality, too. (Even if it is 3 years away.)

6. Something that made me laugh

I used to have a desk calendar of Jack Handey sayings. I think it was a Christmas gift from a college friend. This little game made me laugh out loud. Can you tell who said it?

7. Something that made me pump my fist in solidarity

Three somethings, actually, with a fourth to follow. Recently, there’s been a lot of discussion surrounding men, women, and differences. The general idea seems to be that men are generic and women are specific–in other words, things written by or about men are about broad topics, while things written by or about women are only for other women. I find this interesting, especially since as a blogger, I don’t see much difference in my readership–I have a fairly even split of men and women. Andi Cumbo (who is delightful; you should really be reading her blog) has written this week on the subject:

There’s more to come on this topic. I missed the blog round-up this week, but I think I will put in my two cents next week.

8. Something that made me proud

Let’s just say I’m acquainted with the blogger who posted these: Hilarious Lambs 2.0 and The Last Hilarious Lambs. The lambs make me smile every time.

9. Something that made me satisfied

I finally finished my series about the Royal Family of Hell (for now; perhaps there are future misadventures in store). I hope you enjoy the ending.

Have a great weekend!

Notable News: Week of April 6-12, 2013

Blogs, Cool Stuff, Links, News

Here we are, the end of another week. I don’t know what the weather is like where you are, but here it’s rainy and cold. I’d like to spend my day curled up with a mug of hot tea and a good book. Sadly, it’s not to be. I hope you all are more successful in your plans for today. Meanwhile, here’s what’s going on:

1. About that song…

By now I’m sure many of you have heard the Brad Paisley/LL Cool J song “Accidental Racist,” or at least heard of it. I’m sure lots of you thought, “Wow! That’s very cool that they’re addressing modern racism.” Yeah, not so much. Go listen to the song (if you can stomach it), then read this post over at Shakesville. This about sums it up:

What’s being described in the song is a White man wearing a t-shirt with a Lynyrd Skynyrd logo, which features the Confederate flag, and expecting Black people to understand it only means what he wants it to mean. That is neither unintentional nor accidental. That is obliging marginalized people to center privileged people’s rewriting of a history to salve their own discomfort with that history.

2. Hope for the future

This post, An Open Letter to The Church from My Generation, has gotten quite a lot of attention. (This is one where I think you should just avoid the comments. Not worth the headache.) She suggests that the real reason young people are leaving the Church (and even their faith) is the Church’s reluctance to accept its position on the wrong side of history. It’s an eloquent plea for the Church to stop fighting change and instead grab a cup of coffee and sit down for a chat. Sounds just about right to me.

But my generation, the generation that can smell bullshit, especially holy bullshit, from a mile away, will not stick around to see the church fight gay marriage against our better judgment.

3. About a body

I love this wonderful post by Andi Cumbo. I think I’ve linked it everywhere except this blog (and now I’ve remedied that). She puts words to exactly what I want to do–create safe space for my kids to ask questions. As a child, I knew the hard, cold facts. But questions were often off-limits because they were strange or embarrassing or “rude.” Yes, it’s uncomfortable, at least in part because of this generational failure to be open. It’s necessary, though, if we want our children to grow up with healthier views than we did.

I heard lots of conversations – a friend losing her virginity in a shower, another wearing a “promise” ring, boys and whispers about boobs and third base. I heard lots of lectures, too – wait until you’re married, God made sex for marriage, women were made to be the helpmeet to men.

But no one talked to me about my body or about sex. No one answered my questions. No one asked if I even had any.

4. Beautiful honesty in struggle

These two posts–about expectations within marriage and about living with rapid-cycling bipolar–are both achingly honest and brutally lovely. Everyone has challenges, and it helps to know we’re not alone. Whatever you’re struggling with today, I hope that you find comfort and hope in these women’s words, even in the midst of difficulty. Today, find a friend or be a friend, and open your heart to listen.

Airing out our unmet expectations didn’t magically transform our despair into joy and contentment . . . But it did allow us to evolve with one another, to reevaluate what our marriage would look like as Christians and feminists… [from Unmet Expectations in a Feminist Christian Marriage]

When depression comes. It’s a black numb night with no stars. Everything becomes about me: about how God is taking special notice of my situation and punishing me. How nobody likes me. How every movement of the world is designed for my special torture.

Mania is all about the stars. Or, rather, the star: Me. Because when I’m manic, you’d be a fool not to notice me, want me, befriend me, sit in the sheer awe of magnificence.[from I is for Me]

5. Christian identity

This fantastic post by Tina Francis about identifying as a Christian and being ourselves was one of the best things I’ve read this week. The cultural differences are fascinating to me. One of the things I took away from this post is that the way we come across may not be read the way we want it to when it comes to people who didn’t grow up in our western culture. That understanding about what Christian discourse looks like makes me think that we Christians need to do a lot more listening and a lot less talking.

Because I did not grow up in the West, I sometimes find it tough to follow social discourse. This is especially true for the plot lines (read: battle-lines) in the Christian Blogosphere. It’s like watching a game of tennis, with words instead of balls. My head bobs from side to side as I try to understand what each person is grunting about. You say, “Penal Substitutionary Atonement Theory”; I hear, “Pee Pee Glibitty Glob.” I find myself lost because I haven’t read the right books, listened to the right music, or watched the right movies. So I don’t always get the references.

6. Naked Pastor takes one for the team

Because David so kindly tackled this, I didn’t have to. Many thanks! (And have I mentioned how much I love when men get all feminist? Remind me to link to some other good ones sometime.) Anyway, Lee Grady used some loaded terms in his post Six Women Leaders to Avoid. Go read it if you want some deep feminist rage. Instead of pointing out traits to avoid in any leader, he used words associated almost exclusively with things many people dislike about women. Fortunately, David drew a great cartoon and offered a well-written commentary in response. (Also, when you read the last part about traits to avoid in any leader, guess which well-known preacher came immediately to my mind?)

It’s that old fallacy that men allow women to do what men do but under certain restrictions and expectations. Our club has been dominated by men for centuries but we’re going to now allow women to join. Now these are the rules.

7. Your humor for the day

It is entirely possible that I know and am related to the author of this blog. Maybe. I might also be a little bit proud of the person for creating it. I hope you enjoy the blogger’s take on Hilarious Lambs, More Hilarious Lambs, Even More Hilarious Lambs, and my personal favorite, Too Many Hilarious Lambs.

Enjoy your weekend, everyone! Back on Monday for [DUN DUN DUN] 50 Shades of ~~Lambs~~.

The water and the wine

Faith and Spirituality, Religion

On Sunday, my son received the sacrament of baptism.

This was not something we told him to do; we didn’t suggest, coerce, or force him into it. In fact, he has been asking for about two years. For a number of reasons, it wasn’t until this past weekend that he was able to do so.

I have to admit, I love baptisms. This is true no matter what method is used or what the circumstances. There is holy beauty in the symbols of cleansing, renewal, and rebirth. Long after I became a Christian, I learned that various types of baptism are used in many different religious traditions. Even within my own, baptism takes many forms.

I have never been comfortable with any Christian teaching about baptism that creates too many rules. I don’t simply mean the rituals we use or the words we say or the prayers we utter. I mean those who want there to be strict guidelines on the method used or how old the person must (or must not) be or whether or not the person has been deemed by external evaluation to be a “real” Christian. The truth is, the Bible is pretty murky on these points.

There will be people who believe that my son’s baptism wasn’t “real.” They might think he’s too young for a believer’s baptism or that it wasn’t enough because he wasn’t fully immersed. I honestly don’t care. That moment when our family honored God and long-standing Christian tradition was beautiful and holy, and anyone who wishes to make it less than it was needs to spend some time examining his or her motives.

Before the Big Day, our pastor came to our house to talk with our son about his baptism. Just to make it clear, this wasn’t some kind of test. She didn’t whisk him away to another room to grill him on the finer points of his salvation while his father and I sat on our couch biting our nails in anticipation. She came to our home, a place of comfort and safety for him. She talked with him about the running symbolism of water throughout the Bible–and we all discovered that he likes rather obscure stories. (Our pastor suggested a story he might remember involved parting water; instead of Moses, he named Elisha.) She explained how everything would go during his baptism and asked if he had any questions. (He did, but they weren’t pertinent to baptism; fortunately, our pastor is a gracious woman who understands children.)

We did have an entertaining moment regarding communion. Our pastor told our son that he could take communion after he was baptized. He had already occasionally taken the elements at our previous church, but he was curious because this church uses real wine. He informed our pastor that he would take the wine instead of the grape juice (which they do offer as an alternative). She replied, “That’s up to your parents.” I told my husband later that I was okay with it, but my fear was that our son would do what I would have at his age–take a sip and spit it right back out. In church. With everyone else watching. My husband offered to buy some wine so our son could taste it, to which he said, “Never mind. I’ll just have the grape juice.”

So on April 7, my nine-year-old was baptized. He did not stand in front of the church to give a testimony about his faith. He wasn’t dunked in the Jordan River. But our pastor poured out the life-giving water on his head and anointed him (formed the sign of the cross, for the uninitiated) with oil. He was baptized alongside a small baby, the son of a family friend (which in itself was a happy surprise, though it is not entirely my story to tell). He was welcomed in as part of both the church family and God’s family. Once he was baptized, he received holy communion, kneeling before God with his fellow believers (and had grape juice instead of wine).

In a few years, he will have the opportunity to confirm his faith. Perhaps he will choose to do so; perhaps not. When he is grown, he will make new decisions about his faith. This moment was not the beginning of his journey, nor was it the end. It was a stop along the way, a moment that held meaning for his nine-year-old self. My hope is not that he travel my spiritual path but that he will learn to navigate his own. He has already made one choice; there are many more to come. For now, we will honor the vows we made to give him all the love, help, and support he needs along the way.

Notable News: Week of March 16-22, 2013

Blogs, Cool Stuff, Links, News

It’s been quite a week. The big things have been the Steubenville case in the news and Spiritual Abuse Awareness Week on the blogs. There’s been lots of other good stuff as well. Here are some highlights:

1. On Steubenville

I don’t think I need to rehash the verdict. What had me ready to reach through my computer screen and throttle people was the horrifying response. First, the judge warned the teens about the use of social media. Really? Social media is at fault here? And also, nothing about “how you treat women who can’t consent to sex with you” was apparently not something he felt he needed to address; too busy admonishing them for their use of social media, I suppose.

When he sentenced the boys, Judge Thomas Lipps urged all those who had followed the case “to have discussions about how you talk to your friends, how you record things on the social media so prevalent today and how you conduct yourself when drinking is put upon you by your friends.”

Meanwhile, news outlets were also active in their campaign for worst response. Fox, MSNBC, and CNN all ran the name of the victim. I think CNN wins this round, though, for lamenting that the rapists’ lives were ruined by the guilty verdict:

“What’s the lasting effect though on two young men being found guilty juvenile court of rape essentially?” Crowley wondered.

“There’s always that moment of just — lives are destroyed,” Callan remarked. “But in terms of what happens now, the most severe thing with these young men is being labeled as registered sex offenders. That label is now placed on them by Ohio law.”

“That will haunt them for the rest of their lives.”

As well it should, Candy Crowley. As well it should.

Be sure to check out this excellent response from Christianity Today on rape and human dignity.

2. On spiritual abuse

The Spiritual Abuse Awareness Week link-up has been going on this week. You can read everyone’s stories at the following pages:

Day 1: Hosted by Hannah Chellase at Wine and Marble

Day 2: Hosted by Joy Bennett at Joy in this Journey

Day 3: Hosted by Shaney Irene at Faith-Filled Thoughts from the Front Porch

If you can only read one of these, make it Shaney’s from today. The topic is why we need to care about spiritual abuse.

Simultaneously, Elora Nicole has been posting about abuse all week, and Rachel Held Evans has been hosting a week-long series of guest posts and interviews about different kinds of abuse (and frequently the way they intersect).

If you have been spiritually abused and need a safe place to find hope and healing, I urge you to check out this web site.

3. On homophobia and progressive Christianity

One of the reasons that I identify as a progressive Christian but refuse to identify with the progressive Christian movement is that I don’t always find myself in alignment with other “progressives” in areas of importance to me–chiefly, feminism and LGBT issues–and how churches need to grow on those points. (For example, I don’t think it’s right for old, white, heterosexual cis-men to sit around thinking up ways to “make room” at their table for people who are not old, white, heterosexual cis-men.) I also find that progressives have this strange attitude that refusing to tolerate bigotry is somehow not in line with the goal of tolerance.

Anyway, for all of those reasons I was very interested in what Kristin Rawls, a fellow writer I follow on Twitter, had to say about her interview with folk singer Michelle Shocked. It’s quite a read; I suggest you click the links in the article for some background on the situation.

Since the news of her antigay rant went viral, Shocked has issued a public mea culpa of sorts. It’s probably significant to note that 10 of 11 of the shows on her tour have been cancelled since. I read it as an unprincipled attempt to placate LGBT people -– note that she says she supports tolerance, not acceptance, and that she’s calling for LGBT people to tolerate the people who trample on our rights. Anyone acquainted with post-evangelical faux-progressive Christianity
has heard it all before.

4. On having fun with my words

A couple of weeks ago, I was tweeting about an evangelical novel I was reading that had some…interesting views on spiritual warfare. One of my followers made an off-hand comment about the “royal family of Hell,” and it sparked something in me. This week’s fiction on my other blog was inspired by that tweet.

The real reason for Lucifer’s disquiet was the fact that his daughter refused to tell him which demon she had ensnared. She had remained silent, and no amount of demanding, pleading, or wheedling would draw it out of her. It was both maddening and worrisome.

He suspected she had gotten herself involved with a junior demon far below her station as Princess of Hell and was appropriately ashamed to admit it.

Have a great weekend, folks!

Spiritual Abuse Awareness Week: After-Image

Bullying, Religion, Social Justice

I wasn’t able to participate in the first day of Spiritual Abuse Awareness week due to other demands on my time. I wasn’t sure I was going to write anything today, either. My experiences are mild compared to the horrific things friends and fellow bloggers have shared, and I believe those people who have survived need safe space to heal. That sometimes includes people like me, who only feel it like the residual tremors of an earthquake, remaining quiet and letting others tell their stories. But I had an experience that reminded me that everything has consequences, even if we don’t realize it at the time. So here is my story about the aftermath of dealing with spiritually abusive people and how deep it can make us bleed.

Last Sunday, the pastor asked to speak to us about our son.

I was on my way in alone; I was playing my violin during the service and had arrived early to practice with the choir. My husband and children were driving separately. The pastor stopped me on my way up to the choir loft and said,

I’d like to talk to you for a few minutes in my office after church, about your son.

I must have looked surprised, because she added that it was about his baptism, which is scheduled for the Sunday after Easter. I nodded and told her that was no problem. But inside, I was panicking.

That’s not really a healthy response to a conversation with a pastor.

I need to say here that our pastor is a lovely woman. She is kind and gentle and delivers fantastic sermons. She has been nothing but loving and warm towards our family, our children in particular. My daughter warmed to her immediately, which is fairly miraculous–she has discriminating taste in people. So there are no circumstances under which I should feel threatened or intimidated by this pastor. Even if I had committed some grave error, I suspect she would handle it with grace.

And yet.

My immediate reaction to anyone in spiritual authority asking to speak to me has become one of fear. I have learned to expect rebukes rather than positive conversations. When I realized what had happened, that my response was out of proportion with reality, I was puzzled. Where in the world did such feelings come from?

I knew that it wasn’t really the result of my experiences as a teenager. I was a little afraid of the pastor of that church, but I don’t believe that I thought of him as genuinely in authority over me. I had no sense of church politics or hierarchy; I was in a bubble of Christian youth culture (as much as there actually was back in the late ’80s/early ’90s). And it certainly didn’t come from the ten years my husband and I spent at our first church as a married couple. That pastor and his family were like an extension of our own. We were close, and we remain in touch to this day despite the 3000 miles separating us.

I’m sure you can guess where this is going. I am not going to sit here and say that I was spiritually abused by our church or the leadership*. That would be lying, and it would be hurtful to those who are still involved. But I will tell you this: There were people in authority there who absolutely, unquestionably used intimidation tactics on me and on others. I was spoken to multiple occasions about my writing, particularly in regard to my feminism and my unwavering stance as an LGBT ally (and once or twice about my parenting). I was never told I shouldn’t blog or use social media, but I received subtle threats about it more than once. Additionally, there were a few adults who used my children for the purpose of coercion and “correction.” (Nothing makes me go all Mama Bear faster than church people using my kids as weapons.)

None of that may sound particularly bad; and perhaps it isn’t. But taken as a whole, it damaged my sense that pastors and leaders are safe people. They may not overtly threaten or shun or shout from the pulpit, but they hold power over the people–in large part because they (or the church structure) dictates that they do. When leaders wield their authority inappropriately, it undermines people’s faith that they can trust them.

This is exactly what happened to me. I believe that over time, I can–and will–regain my ability to trust, because it wasn’t damaged beyond repair. But there are others for whom the same cannot be said. This is unacceptable–not because it’s unacceptable to be non-religious or non-churchgoing, but because the reason for being non-religious or non-churchgoing should never, ever be because it was literally or figuratively beaten out of you.

By the way, the reason the pastor wanted to talk to us was so she could set a time to come to our house to speak to our son about what will happen when he’s baptized, physically and spiritually. We met last night, and it was good–exactly as I should have expected.

I hope you will read the other stories about spiritual abuse this week. There are some remarkable survivors out there. Take the time to get to know them through their words. And if you have been spiritually abused, please read this excellent post by Caleigh on self-care. Meanwhile, I’m going to spend some time praying for the strength to trust again.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

*That is not to say that I wasn’t exposed to abusive beliefs or teachings; I’m speaking specifically here about being directly abused, harassed, threatened, mistreated, intimidated, etc. by pastors, elders, and other leaders in the church.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

For more posts on spiritual abuse, visit these web sites:

Wine & Marble: Spiritual Abuse Day 1

Joy in this Journey: Spiritual Abuse Day 2

Notable News: Week of April 27-May 3, 2013

Notable News: Week of April 20-26, 2013

Notable News: Week of April 6-12, 2013

The water and the wine

Notable News: Week of March 16-22, 2013

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