Sin

Proud or Prideful

Every parent has the right to be proud of his or her children. Each little one is unique and comes with a combination of interests, abilities, and learned skills. It’s exciting to watch them as they grow, finding what sparks them. And who knows? One of them may develop green fuel or a cure for cancer or a way to feed the world. One of them may become a famous singer or a movie actor or the CEO of her own company.

Along the way, though, there are several ways in which we can subtly undermine both our own children and our friends’ children. I am never clear about whether this twisted form of pride comes from an actual belief that we are better than others or from the equally faulty fear that we are not as good as others. Either way, it isn’t good. Some of the mistakes we make in how we view our children’s accomplishments stem from those attitudes.

The first mistake is being certain now that this is what our children will do then. Over and over, I hear parents talking about what their kids will be doing five or even ten years in the future. Not what they might do; what they will do. Sometimes this is based on a child’s expressed desire, such as what he or she wants to be as an adult. Of course, not all of those dreams are realistic–my daughter’s friend said the other day that she plans to be a princess. Most kids say those sorts of things. But the truth is, very few children understand what it would take to make that a reality; they are expressing mostly admiration for people or professions. When we latch onto that, we take some of the imagination and play away from our children.

At other times, the might-bes come from what we want our children to do. It’s more than just wanting them to have opportunities to experience life. It’s a drive to push them in a particular direction. We remember how much we enjoyed an activity in our own youth, and we want the same for our kids. Our children may indeed have similar interests, but they are not us–we can’t force them to be what we want, no matter how much we may want to.

The problem with both of the above is that it may not match reality. A child may want to be a concert pianist, but if she can’t tell one note from another, that’s pretty unlikely. Now, I’m not suggesting that she ought to quit piano lessons or that you should tell her she stinks. Just that you probably shouldn’t try to find a way to turn her into a concert pianist.

Which brings me to another point at which unhealthy pride in our children can be expressed. We don’t always have a realistic view of their abilities. That comes out in two ways. First, we inflate our children’s skills. Second, we diminish the abilities of other children.

I’ve been on the receiving end of both recently, and I was very glad that neither of my kids was there to hear.

I’ve also been on the “giving” end. My son was an early reader. I taught him how to read, he didn’t learn on his own as some kids do. He was interested, so we worked on it. He now reads very, very well. When he first started, I was very proud of him and I wanted to tell the world he could read. I quickly stopped doing that, because I got responses ranging from outright disbelief to informing me that it wasn’t a sign of his later intelligence. I even made the mistake of publicly asking for help selecting books for him–that must have made people feel like I was bragging. Although I really did want the information, I am sure part of me was trying to find a “nicer” way to boast.

I realized what I had done only after someone else did a similar kind of bragging-that’s-supposed-to-look-like-it’s-not. I was embarrassed for the person. I don’t believe she knew how it came across. But I did, because I’ve done it too. And it’s hard to fight the urge to celebrate our dear ones’ accomplishments.

The other form of implying our children are better is absolutely not anything I have ever done. It was one of the most hurtful experiences I’ve ever had.

My kids both take dance classes. They enjoy it. I have no notions that they will be professional dancers. I really don’t care. I just want them to have fun, get some exercise, and spend time with other kids their ages. My son has been dancing for almost 5 years. He is in class with kids who have been there a year longer. He does keep up, but the reality is, he’s a year behind them on learning. It takes time to catch up. As the dance year comes to a close, we’re allowed to watch the kids perform the dances they are working on for the recital. As we were watching, one of the parents leaned in to me and whispered that my son was making a lot of mistakes. In that moment, I truly wanted to reach out and smack her (I didn’t). After I recovered, I considered telling her that her kid wasn’t so great (I didn’t do that, either). I thought about defending J, reminding her that he’s still young and that he did a pretty good job, under the circumstances (nope, didn’t do that). In the end, I decided that it just wasn’t worth my time.

As they grow, I hope that I can learn how to practice being proud of them without being prideful. One acquaintance summed it up perfectly. His children are adults, very accomplished and doing great things. I suggested he must be very proud of them. He said yes, but that they are adults now, and they are doing their own things. That is what I want–to give my kids the tools they need to find their own things.

Pride

Sin

I thought this particular sin was worth a mention, since it’s one I personally struggle with. It can be very tempting to think that we have a handle on ourselves, that we are superior because we don’t find ourselves tempted in some particular way. Sometimes, we can even miss when we are letting ourselves develop pride.

The problem with pride is that it usually leads to other things. It’s bad enough that we might think ourselves better than someone else. But then the resulting sins begin to pile up. When that happens, relationships begin to break apart. People stop wanting to associate with us because we have become unpleasant.

I bring this up because I was reflecting on a recent message at church. Our pastor was speaking about gossip. I recall thinking, after the service was over, that I wished our pastor had addressed one very serious problem I’ve seen with gossip: Gossip often masquerades as “prayer requests.”

What does that have to do with pride?

I realized that I think one thing that lies buried beneath gossip is a prideful heart–especially when it’s delivered as a line item on the prayer list. The person gossiping knows something other people don’t know; that puts them in a position of power. And being able to gossip without sounding like you’re doing something wrong brings even more power. I suspect that delivers a special kind of high.

Because my brain works this way, one thought led to another and I realized that gossip isn’t the only way in which we can sneak out sins without looking like we are, like hiding a dog’s medicine in its food. Others may be left confused or surprised, unsure whether we actually did anything at all. Sure, some may suspect, but the majority will only have a vague sense that something just isn’t right.

I think that, like gossipy prayer requests, these other cleverly disguised sins stem from pride. It may be a reluctance to admit that we are capable of sin, a belief that we are above the law but that others “wouldn’t understand,” or a power trip. Any way you slice it, it’s bad news.

The good news is that it isn’t unforgivable. It isn’t any worse than any other kind of sin. But we do need to own it, repent of it, and release it. Where is pride striking your heart today?

More on Modesty

Morality, Sexuality and Gender, Sin

A recent experience reinforced my conclusion that we need to be a lot more specific about the term modesty. I was at a function and someone implied that I was dressed in a manner that was less than appropriate.

There are a few important things to understand:

1. I am not exactly a fashion model. My style of dress is generally pretty casual (read: boring). When I buy clothes, I go for comfort, not look. That particular day, I had dressed up somewhat more than usual. However, my outfit could be best described as a step down from business casual. Even by very conservative standards, I was dressed more “appropriately” than approximately half the women there.

2. I am an adult, not a child or a teenager. I really don’t need advice on how to dress for public events. Generally speaking, unless the adult in question is mentally incapacitated or has asked for help, there is no need for public correction regarding personal appearance.

3. There are no circumstances in which I find it even remotely appropriate for a married man to take interest in what another man’s wife is wearing. I don’t seek my husband’s approval before I leave the house. But if he were to object to something, I know my husband well enough to know he would have good reason–like I’d worn a red sweater and purple sweatpants. There is no need for anyone to second guess his sense of what is or is not appropriate.

Now, I don’t want to speculate on the motives of the person making the comment. I’m sure that it was not intended to offend me. I’m not holding a grudge and I don’t want to dwell on the specific incident. What matters to me is the general principle. If even our adult men don’t have a clear sense of what is modest and appropriate for adult women to wear in public, how can we expect to teach our sons?

And if we allow our adult men to make women feel small and embarrassed about their bodies, how can we expect our daughters to feel good about their bodies in ways that are healthy?

Modesty

Morality, Sexuality and Gender, Sin

Some friends have been circulating a video on Facebook that I find disturbing. I’m going to share my thoughts on the video first, then post the link at the end. Complete honesty here: I want to put in my own bias before anyone sees it. I’m attempting to counter the bias many people would already have going into it.

The video is about the idea of feminine modesty, sort of. The person doing the voice over is telling the story of young guys and their hope for girls who dress modestly. On the surface, that sounds really noble. Trust me, it’s not, and there are several serious problems with the line of thinking in the video.

First, there is no clear definition of what they mean by modesty. At one point, it’s suggested that a girl should not have any patch of bare skin showing because it’s “distracting.” Gee, maybe boys ought to stay away from the beach, then. Even modest bathing suits show plenty of bare skin. Now, I suspect that we’re supposed to just know what they mean, but it would help to have it clarified. Are girls supposed to look like they’re auditioning for Little House on the Prairie, or do we just mean, “don’t look slutty,” or is there some invisible line in between that shouldn’t be crossed?

Second, what girls are we talking about that are dressing so enticingly? I have spent time (recently) on both college campuses and in high schools. I didn’t notice that the girls were dressed inappropriately, even at the non-religious universities. Are the scantily clad young ladies just in hiding? I’m not sure what I’m missing here.

Third, I’m not completely convinced that this is all teenage boys and college guys can think about. I mean, don’t they have homework? Band practice? Sports? I know it’s been awhile since I was in high school, but I don’t recall my male friends being quite so sex-obsessed. Of course, I also think this might be unique to the conservative Christian set. I like Brian McLaren’s take on this. It’s like the game where you tell someone not to think of an elephant. But once you do, all they can think about is the elephant. We keep telling boys and young men not to think about pretty girls and their bodies. The harder they try, the less likely they are to succeed. By the way, I think this is worth revisiting. I think I’ll address it in a future post.

Finally, why exactly are we blaming girls for a problem we claim boys have? This, to me, is a classic case of blaming the victim. I thought we’d left that a long time ago. Now it seems to be back–in the form of telling girls that if they don’t dress “right,” then they have only themselves to blame for boys who get “out of control.” I also think this falls in the category of denying that girls have any sexuality apart from boys. In other words, young women are dressing provocatively to entice young men into sin, not to express their own developing sexual feelings. I’m not suggesting that inappropriate dress is a good way to express oneself. There are, in fact, lots of unhealthy ways to cope with these simple facts of human biology and development. But there are lots of good, healthy ways to handle sexuality as well, and they don’t necessarily involve laying on the guilt.

As promised, here is the video. Watch it, keeping in mind what I’ve said about it.

Break Out the Checklist

Sin

The other day, I mentioned an article about a fallen Marine in which the deceased’s father made a rather strange comment about his son’s transformation from “thin child” to “ripped warrior.” I’m not going to rehash that subject. That same article actually sparked another thought.

The Marine in the article had said that he was a Christian. He even had a tattoo of a Bible verse. I find that interesting. Now, I really have no problem with tattoos. I don’t happen to want one myself, but I actually like them on other people. (I suppose my reluctance has more to do with low pain tolerance than anything else.) At any rate, if you want to take the Bible literally, then tattoos are forbidden. In fact, I know many Christians who do indeed believe that it is a sin to have a tattoo. In that case, it’s pretty ironic to have a tattoo of Scripture.

The problem I have here is that a lot of Christians want to simultaneously claim that “sin is sin,” that all of it separates us from God, while in fact also creating a hierarchy of sins. A tattoo is pretty forgivable, especially if you had it done before you became a Christian. And even if you do get one after becoming a Christian, we will still allow you to serve in the church–even be a leader or elder. However, if you do anything like (whispers) have sex before marriage, you might be asked to step down from leadership, stop volunteering with children or teens, or even be asked to leave the church. Even worse is being gay, having an ongoing “lifestyle” of sinful behavior.

I wonder whether the problem here is a one-time moment of indiscretion as opposed to having what someone might perceive as a life characterized by sin. Or perhaps the nature and type of sin is the problem. Either way, it simply isn’t consistent to say that sin is sin is sin, while evaluating each sin for its degree of badness.

Frustrating Conversations

Doctrine, End Times, Hell, Questions, Salvation, Science, Sin

In the last few months, I have had a number of conversations with other Christians that have left me shaking my head in disappointment. I suppose I always hope that people will actually consider the beliefs they hold dear, examining them to be certain that they understand why they hold those beliefs. Yet I am often left feeling somewhat deflated when I discover that most people just don’t think that deeply, even when they say something is very important to them.

The three most recent discussions I have found myself involved in are repeats of similar conversations I’ve had over the years and cover three of the main topics some Christians see as a kind of barometer of the faith. In other words, if you have the right opinion about those things, then you are clearly a “real” Christian. Inevitably, they go something like this:

Conversation A

Person: The world is going to Hell in a handbasket, society has become so immoral. We accept terrible things, like the “homosexual agenda,” abortion, and fat people.

Me: Um…this is the human condition. People do bad things. It’s not worse now, just different.

Person: We need to return to the values of the 1950s.

Me: You would like separate lunch counters?

Person: No, but you have to admit, it’s much worse today.

Me: Really? Well, what about things like slavery or the Crusades or the Nazis? There’s a lot of racism and genocide in history.

Person: Well, we still have all those things. But now we also have men who want to marry each other. And also fat people.

Me [realizing this person has a particular view of the world and is shaping his opinions to match]: Never mind.

Conversation B

Person: The Earth is really only about 10,000 years old.

Me: Scientific discoveries seem to indicate something different.

Person: Science doesn’t know everything.

Me: True. But how can we explain what science has discovered?

Person: God made the Earth LOOK much older than it is.

Me: Why? Why would God want to trick us like that?

Person: So that we would take the Bible on faith.

Me: Ok, how does that strengthen our faith?

Person: I don’t know, I guess God just wants us to believe Him instead of trusting our own observations.

Me: That doesn’t make sense. I feel more drawn to God knowing He made all these wonderful things, including dinosaurs. I think it’s really cool that our part of the world used to be a tropical sea!

Person: But God wants us to just trust that His Word, the Bible, is the only truth we need. He wants us to pick Him over science.

Me [realizing this person isn’t able to give a concrete reason]: Never mind.

Conversation C

Person: People who are [Catholic, Orthodox, non-Evangelical, emergent, social justice Christians, etc.] are not really saved.

Me: Why not?

Person: [gives various reasons, usually some variant of “they don’t believe in salvation by grace through faith alone”]

Me: Are you sure about what “they” believe?

Person: Yes, I grew up in that tradition. I know everything they ever believed and can recite it to you verbatim.

Me: So everyone from those traditions or beliefs is not actually a Christian.

Person: Well, no, I’m sure some of them have found their way to faith. But most of them just don’t understand their faith or what they’re supposed to believe.

Me: Not unlike most people within our tradition.

Person: I’m sure there are people in our tradition who don’t understand, but that isn’t most of us. It is most of them.

Me: Ok. Even if that’s true, are you certain that we’re right and they’re wrong?

Person: Yes, because the Bible says so.

Me: You know they say the same thing about us, right?

Person: Yes, but we are actually correct, unlike them.

Me [realizing this person has preconceived notions that can’t be addressed in this conversation]: Never mind.

———————————————————————————————————————————————

There you have it. I’ve been having similar conversations on and off for the last 20 years. It doesn’t offer me much hope.

Proud or Prideful

Pride

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