Family

6 reasons not to waste your money…

…because your daughter is just going to stay home and have babies anyway.

*Little Housewife*, Johan Georg Meyer (via Wikimedia)

Last week, several friends were kind enough to bring to my attention this awful piece on why parents shouldn’t send their daughters to college. Go ahead and read it if you’d like some rage with your coffee this morning. In case you prefer not to, here’s the list in brief:

Your poor daughter will end up with a–gasp–educated man. No, wait, she’s just going to end up being the hard-working, intelligent wife with a lazy loser for a husband (kinda like all those sitcoms).

She’s going to have the opportunity to have sex. Maybe a lot of sex. Probably with lazy losers. Once that happens, she’s not going to notice that her guy is bad for her because sex hormones.

She’s going to end up with a career, dammit. She probably won’t want to play house anymore. Maybe she won’t even want babies!

Since she’s just going to be a good wife and mommy, she won’t enjoy having the career that would have paid for her college education. Also, it’s a total waste of money to go to college and then stay home, thus forcing your husband to pay for your loans with his money.

There is obviously only one way to be a feminist, and that is by going to college and having a career (which is dictated by your college education, of course) and not being a wife and mommy. It’s a slippery slope, thinking she has to prove she’s a feminist by doing all this. We can’t have that.

In order to pay for college, parents might plan ahead and not have all the babies God wants them to. They might use birth control! No worries that sending sons to college might make parents sin by preventing pregnancy, though.

Those young women are going to regret it someday when they are stuck in a cube somewhere wishing they could just stay home and luxuriate, eating bonbons and watching daytime television like the rest of us stay-at-home moms.

They won’t be able to go to seminary (at least, not a Catholic one) if they have debt. Fine, that one might be real, especially since no woman called to vocational ministry ever knows that before she stupidly and blindly goes off to college to get a degree in chemical engineering first.

I don’t know about you, but I’m glad that I’m informed now. It’s only about ten more years til I have to think about sending my own daughter off to college, and I sure as heck don’t want her to end up with a degree that keeps her from her duties as wife and mom. Who cares if she’s ambitious and has talked for the better part of two years about wanting a career working with animals? She should just squash those dreams right now before they get out of hand.

Meanwhile, I guess I’d better figure out a way to pay my husband back for using “his” money (that he worked super hard for!) to pay off my loans from undergraduate and graduate school. After all, I’m just playing 1950s-television-style housewife here and not contributing financially. On second though, never mind. I’m just gonna go watch some television to alleviate my regrets.

The baby question, part 3

Family, Parenting

By Elnaz6 (Own work) [CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

I’ve spent the last couple of days talking about the appropriateness of questioning people’s choice to parent or not parent. You can read the previous entries by clicking the link on the Blog Series menu to the right. There are so many off-shoots of this, and I could spend many more days going through the rest of them. Today, though, I want to talk about men.

I’m not a guy, so I don’t know what men really think about this. My husband assures me that “So, when are you going to have kids?” is not a typical staff room conversation among men. I’m not sure that he was never asked that question before we had children, but he doesn’t recall anyone prying that way. Probably some men have to field those queries, but my guess is that it’s far less common. Someone else can set the record straight on that for me if I’m wrong.

Anyway, while I’m not a big fan of “what about the men,” I think we sometimes get confused about what that means. It definitely doesn’t mean that men have no stake in important conversations about roles and expectations. I can’t understand why more men aren’t horrified at the way they’re portrayed, particularly when it comes to love, sex, marriage, and family. Why the heck aren’t you guys out there protesting having media and the church imply that you’re crazed animals or cavemen who can’t control yourselves? That would seriously piss me off.

A similar bad stereotype is that men don’t actually want kids–they have to be forced into it by their wives. And if they don’t have wives, so much the worse for them, because then they will obviously never, ever want to have kids. Apparently, men are too self-unaware (or self-absorbed, maybe? I dunno) to know whether they want to be dads.

This is genuinely a thing I remember being told by other Christian women. I first heard it in college, which makes very little sense to me. I mean, no kidding that an eighteen-year-old college student doesn’t want kids right then and doesn’t know if he ever wants them. I don’t think I knew at that age, despite the fact that I’m supposed to be in possession of a biological ~~time-bomb~~ clock. I heard it again after I was married, and I distinctly recall finding out that some women purposefully did things to mess up their birth control so they’d get “accidentally” pregnant and their men would have to learn to be dads.

Yeah.

Of course, this totally makes sense, because men can’t be nurturing the way women can, right? It’s God’s design! Women obviously all want to have babies and are natural caregivers (whoever wrote that has never met me). Without us, men would have no clue at all what to do with a baby. Left to their own devices, they would diaper the wrong end or feed the kids Jell-o and ice cream for dinner or ignore them while they hit each other in the head with sticks. That’s why when we women go out and leave the kids home, it’s perfectly okay to refer to our husbands as “babysitters” for our kids. They’re not really parenting, they’re just watching the kids. If we left them to it for too long, they would revert to being irresponsible people who let the children run wild. We must be sure to keep a close eye on things.

Maybe this is what people worry about if two men are parenting together.

I don’t know about you, but I’ve never seen this happen. When I’m out at rehearsal, I come home to a clean house and two sleeping children (and sometimes a sleeping husband). Guess what? He actually knows how to take care of things because he’s an adult. Shocking, I know, but it’s true. I don’t feel like I’m leaving the kids with a babysitter; I feel like I’m leaving them with their other parent–probably because I am.

I understand the issues involved when there’s an unintended pregnancy or a divorce/break-up in which a man needs to take responsibility for the child or children he’s fathered. But that’s not what I’m talking about here. I mean the knowledge, before there are any children involved at all, that a man does or does not want to have any.

Men really do know. Those who do want to be dads may not feel ready yet or may have their own set of anxieties about fatherhood, some of which are similar and some of which are different from women’s feelings. Those who don’t want to parent are just as clear as women who don’t want children. They have their own reasons, and it’s not as simple as “I’d rather have a career” any more than women’s reasons can be reduced to a single factor.

Think about it. If it were really just about men who didn’t want to “grow up” (as though being a parent magically makes one an adult), would you honestly want to have a baby with someone like that? Or adopt a child? I know I wouldn’t.

Not being a man, I don’t know that there’s more I can say about this other than wishing culture wouldn’t portray child-free men as immature or self-centered. I guess the only other piece of advice I have is that if you don’t want to be a dad, then make sure you’re having that conversation with potential partners–not only to find out if you’re on the same page but to actively take steps to prevent parenthood (if you’re straight-cis, that is). If there is any chance that you and your spouse/partner could get pregnant, don’t just leave it up to her to do all the preventive measures. Oh, and make sure you’re using the condoms correctly, folks. User error is the largest cause of failure–when used right, they’re one of the most effective methods of birth control available. (The myths spread by the Abstinence Police make me ragey.)

Please don’t feel obligated, but I would love to hear from some men on this topic. As a rule, I think men are pretty awesome (especially my husband), and I like learning about how men think about these things. You don’t have to share your personal story, but I’m definitely interested in your thoughts about the cultural view of men, particularly when it comes to relationships and family.

Hey, thanks for coming along for the ride during this series. Tomorrow, I’m rounding up my favorite (and not-so-favorite) posts of the week. If you’ve read something interesting or want to have yours included, shoot me a message through my contact form or leave me a comment.

The baby question, part 2

Family, Parenting

Yesterday, I wrote about how obnoxious it is for people to question why others don’t have children. Today I’m going to address turning that question around. I have a lot more personal experience with this one, so please forgive me that my response to this is somewhat more passionate than yesterday. Being asked why I had kids is one of the reasons I really hate when people ask why others don’t have kids, so I hope you read this with that in mind.

Parenting is not always like the cover of a magazine. I know that comes as a complete shock to everyone, since you all obviously thought that airbrushed models and perfect cakes and craft projects came with the package. Reality is closer to “Where the hell is my coffee?” said as one stumbles bleary-eyed over scattered toys while trying to convince the 10-year-old to stop reading a book naked in his room and the 8-year-old to stop singing at the top of her voice.

Even so, I love being a mom. I can’t really speak for my husband, but signs indicate he loves being a dad. Some days are easier than others. A lot of the time I’m glad my son goes to school and both kids have activities. Every night, I’m thankful I get to be with these kids, and I’m honored to watch them grow up.

I do not like being asked why I had kids.

The thing is, there’s no clear answer to that. And it always seems to be asked at my absolute worst parenting moments–when my daughter is simultaneously rubbing her head on my legs and covering her ears because she needs tactile stimulation but the auditory stimulation is too much. I snap at her to stop, and someone gets horrified that I would dare act like my kid is annoying me.

When you ask me at my vulnerable moments why I had kids, all I hear is, “YOU SAID KIDS ARE A BLESSING! YOU ARE NOT ACTING LIKE YOUR KIDS ARE A BLESSING! YOU SHOULD TREAT THEM LIKE STARS 24/7 OR ELSE YOU ARE A BIG, FAT LIAR!” It makes me not trust you (even if you have kids yourself, but especially if you don’t) with my shortcomings. It makes me feel like I have to tuck that part away and always show myself to be the best parent so you’ll believe me when I say I love it.

When you see people who are having a hard time, that’s not the moment to think, “People like that shouldn’t have kids.” You don’t know what kind of day those parents had or whether they are struggling with kids who have multiple issues. I completely understand that we’d like to just crush the reproductive organs of child abusers, but you can’t tell just by seeing someone for five minutes in Walmart. You also can’t tell sometimes even when it’s your friend who seems like the perfect parent.

Less-than-stellar parenting moments are only one time when no one should ever be asked why they had kids. I mean, sometimes, I’d like to just snap, “I don’t fucking know. Why don’t you take them for a while?” Some other times not to ask:

When you have in mind a “correct” answer. You want to ask the question? Then get ready to accept any answer given. Period. Just like people need to accept any answer for not having kids.
When a woman has a lot of children. Women get asked this all the time, as though they didn’t really want that many or are just really weird or overly religious. Guess what? You don’t know, so lay off.
White women to women of color. Yeah, I went there. When I worked as a school nurse, we had a family with several children. When the third oldest, who had special needs, transferred to our school, there were wisecracks about how many different fathers there were and why this woman was continuing to “breed” (she had just had a baby). We had exactly one other non-white employee in the entire building, and she and I both told the others they were out of line with their comments. Guess who got labeled as “finding racism everywhere”? There’s a lot of underlying racism in grilling women of color about why they had kids. Just don’t ask.
When a woman is in a lower socioeconomic bracket than you are. Again, there are assumptions made about whether or not “those people” should be “breeding.” When my husband and I had just had our first, I was told we shouldn’t have more than two because we only have three bedrooms in our house and couldn’t afford to move. I could already feel the questions building up should we have decided to have a third one. And we were by no means struggling–I was already a stay-at-home mom by that point and we were comfortable on one income, even if it wasn’t high. No one wants to feel like she’s being evaluated on whether she can handle (financially or otherwise) the children she wants or has.
When a parent of a special needs child has one or more younger children. It implies she should be concentrating her efforts on caring for the child with the diagnosis. Actually, even if she only has the one or the special needs child is the youngest, it shouldn’t be asked. It’s insensitive to the fact that this wasn’t likely the life she imagined when she was pregnant and to the challenges she now has. It also comes across as suggesting children with disabilities are better off never having been born.
When you don’t know someone. You don’t know their circumstances. Maybe a woman wasn’t planning on motherhood but got pregnant anyhow and chose to parent instead of another option. Questioning her may feel like a judgment, especially if she didn’t want to have kids in the first place–like a “how could you be so stupid” thing.

See, for me, asking a woman after the fact why she had kids is pointless. She already has them. What if she regrets it? All that does is fuel her guilt over wishing she hadn’t. So what if she didn’t realize she had other options at the time? There’s nothing to be gained by making her feel pressured to provide some answer she can’t give.

It’s also a question less frequently asked of men, same-sex couples, and adoptive parents. It’s assumed those people didn’t just have kids because they thought they were supposed to, whereas women who have been pregnant might not really have wanted kids but thought God wanted them to or something. That happens less often than you’d think, actually. Even if someone says she had kids to experience blessings or because it’s just what people do, that doesn’t mean she didn’t want to be a mom–it just means she didn’t need to think long and hard about it. Of course, it’s entirely possible she didn’t really want kids and didn’t believe she had another choice, in which case she may be trying to cover that or convince herself because she already has the kids and can’t do anything to change that.

On the other hand, there are times when asking why people had kids can be appropriate. It can even be used as a weapon in a healthy way:

When you genuinely want to know the pros and cons of parenting because you’re not sure yet whether you want to parent. Just be honest about it so that it doesn’t feel pressuring or judgmental, and be willing to accept any answer given. If the answer doesn’t apply to you, just don’t put it in your “yes” column.
When some jerk has just asked you why you don’t have kids. Like a stick to the eye.
Within community. It does come up in parenting groups, believe it or not.
Before a woman actually has kids, especially if she’s expressing that she’s unsure but thinks she has to. It’s never bad to let women know we have options and that tradition, the church, and men’s beliefs don’t need to dictate our futures.

Only you know if you have friends who won’t be offended by the question. Only you know what your motivation for asking is. I don’t think one needs to tread quite as carefully with this question as the previous one, but it’s still best kept to oneself in most circumstances.

Tomorrow I want to talk about how we see men who don’t (and some who do) want kids. Hope you’ll join me!

The baby question, part 1

Family, Parenting

This seems to come up every time there’s something in the media about women and reproductive rights. While it’s not the big news of the moment today, this is something I’ve been thinking about. Invariably, some (possibly) well-meaning person will write a (not) well-meaning blog post or op-ed about how awesome babies are and what a blessing they are. I like to hope (sort of) that these writings are just not coming across the way they were intended, but I doubt it. Anyway, today, I want to explain why you should probably (okay, definitely) not ask/pressure your child-free friends regarding their status as non-parents. Bear with me, I’m going to use a somewhat silly analogy, but I hope you’ll get my point.

I happen to like burritos. Specifically, I like Taco Bell 7-layer burritos. They are like a $2 bit of joy in my mouth. It’s kind of weird, as I usually dislike beans, and Taco Bell burritos are full of ’em. If you ever come out to lunch at Taco Bell with me, and you happen not to like burritos at all, I promise our conversation will never look like this:

Me: Ooh! Burrito! Want one?

You: No, thanks. I really only like the tacos.

Me: But…but…burritos! They are super awesome! Don’t you want to experience the awesome?

You: Not really. I’m sure I just want a taco.

Yet that’s exactly how a lot of these conversations go when someone who is a parent can’t fathom why anyone would not want to have kids. There is always someone who finds it necessary to say, “But…but…babies! They’re so cuuuuute! And they’re little blessings from heaven!” Okay, maybe not quite like that, but you get the picture. Not only that, but there’s this belief that the reason people don’t want kids is because they just haven’t tried it yet–like they couldn’t possibly know what they do or don’t want.

I have some news for you. Your friends who have chosen not to have kids (or have chosen not to have biological kids) have probably given a lot more thought to it than, say, whether or not they like burritos. Unless they are very weird, like me, and spend time thinking up odd analogies for their blogs–in which case they might think deeply about burritos. I mean, eating the burrito or the taco (or skipping both and eating somewhere else) is a momentary decision based on current taste preference. Whether or not to parent is a pretty big decision. Sometimes it’s made for us by circumstances, but when it isn’t, it’s not really something people come to lightly.

The other thing you should know is that it’s not really okay to ask strangers on the Internet or friends in your offline life or people you meet at parties why they don’t have kids. You don’t know their story. It might be by choice, but it might not. You probably wouldn’t grill your friends and acquaintances about why they don’t like burritos. If you wouldn’t pressure them about something that innocuous, why do it about big things that clearly require more thought and attention and come with a lot deeper feelings?

See, here’s the deal. It’s not about you. Someone choosing not to have kids isn’t about thinking kids are awful or parenting sucks in a general sense applied to all people for all time; it’s about not wanting those things for oneself. Someone who cannot have children doesn’t need your “magic” advice about how to make it happen. Pretty much you should just lay off the judgment, and you certainly are not invited to ask nosy, personal questions about someone else’s life.

It’s also not okay to suggest that a person might not know what he or she wants or how to achieve that. It’s not okay to tie a person’s worth to the children he or she has (yes, I know this happens more with women, but I’ve seen it happen to men–why, hello there, “children are like arrows; blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them”). It is never okay to believe that your personal preference or lifestyle is best for everyone.

Not only that, but even if you’re right–even if someone might later on change her mind–it’s not up to you to push that to happen or even decide that it will. Sometimes people change their minds; sometimes they don’t, even about big things like children or career or where to live. It’s true that someone who really doesn’t want children at one time might decide later on that she does. But similarly, someone who always thought she wanted to be a mom might discover that she doesn’t want to after all. Among my offline friends, I’ve seen both things. I’ve also seen people who desperately wanted to parent and couldn’t and people who didn’t intend to have children suddenly finding themselves doing so. Life is life, and it happens.

Because I have kids, I don’t really know how it feels to have made a choice not to parent or to be unable to have children. I have, however, been asked why we stopped at two (which is also a rude question that shouldn’t be asked). People seem to think that if one baby is cute, two are cuter, and more are cuter still. Yes. Babies are totally adorable and special. That might be a good enough reason for people who are not me, but I was done after the second one. I did not want more then, I don’t want more now, and I don’t see myself wanting more in the future.

Perhaps that’s why I can understand why being grilled and pressured is so hurtful. Or maybe it’s because I was so certain that I did want to be a mom that I can completely understand the certainty of not wanting to be one. It might be because we went through the challenges of diagnosing fertility problems, and I know just a fraction of the sense of loss. Whatever the reason, it’s why I don’t assume I know anything about a person and her own choice. I don’t question it.

There are, of course, times when it’s okay to ask people why they don’t have children, but unless you meet the criteria, you just shouldn’t ask. If your friend is close with you, chances are good you’ve had the conversation. Hopefully, you were a decent friend and just listened without making assumptions. Here are some examples of when it’s acceptable or even expected:

When you are in an intimate relationship with someone. Naturally, you’ll talk about these things. If you don’t want kids, and you’re two cis-het people, you need to have that conversation and you both need to agree on what you’re going to do about it.
Within a community. If you’re part of an online or in-person group for people who don’t have children (for whatever reason), you and others will likely have shared your stories. Of course, that’s not all you’ve shared, I’m sure, but most groups built on a specific premise do tend to discuss it.
If you’re unsure what you want to do and are looking for a mentor/advice. It has to be done carefully and in such a way that the person understands your reasoning, but I don’t think it’s unfair for someone who isn’t sure to seek out others who have made decisions. In that case, it may be a matter of framing the question so that it doesn’t come off as judgmental. It also helps to be transparent about your objective. You must be prepared to accept any and all answers given–even if they surprise you or confuse you. They don’t have to be your reasons, but they are someone’s reasons and are therefore valid for those people.

So there you have it. I hope that next time you’re at Taco Bell (or wherever) ordering your next burrito (or whatever) you’ll consider what I’ve said here. All people deserve care and respect, and I hope that what I’ve said helps foster that.

I’ll be visiting this topic in other ways this week, including reversing the question and how we view men who don’t want children. Stick around and share your thoughts. I’d love to hear from some of you on how you handled these nosy questions, if you feel like sharing, and what other advice you would give to inappropriately curious people.

FYI (if you’re a mom of teenage boys)

Christianese, Feminism, Parenting, Sexuality and Gender

Dear moms,

I have some information that might interest you. Last night, as I sometimes do, I sat on my couch and looked at social media on my phone.

I’ve been on vacation, so naturally there are quite a few blog posts and news articles to wade through. Wow – the Internet sure has been busy with the slut-shaming this summer! Some of my friends brought this to my attention, because as Christians and/or feminists, we notice shit like that.

I noticed other things, too. For one, it appears that I’ve been on the wrong path when it comes to raising my own son.

I get it – you’ve seen ~~all those shameless hussies putting their pictures up on Facebook~~ how our culture exploits women’s bodies, right? I can’t help thinking that maybe I’ve failed by trying to raise a son who respects women regardless of how they’re dressed. Clearly, I should have been protecting his eyes. I should remedy that.

So, here’s the bit that I think is important for you to realize. If you are the parent of a teenage son, you should definitely make sure he never, ever sees a half-dressed girl. Half-dressed boys are okay, though, because naturally, none of your sons are gay or bisexual. Posting half-naked pictures of your own sons flexing on the beach is also totally fine, since no one ever equates strength and virility. We all know that unless we see a penis, it’s not sexual anyway. Besides, it’s not at all exploitative to parade their bodies on the Internet for your own gain; everyone knows that’s much better than making one’s own choices about what to post.

Please understand this also: you are not responsible for making sure your sons know that regardless of what a girl is wearing, she deserves respect. All you need to do is assure they don’t see those pictures. After all, if they don’t see them, then you can relax in the knowledge that your sons do not know what girls’ bodies look like or that they won’t satisfy their curiosity by looking at the Internet at a friend’s house.

Not to mention that those “sexy” selfies your sons’ friends are posting ~~don’t reflect who they are~~ clearly demonstrate that they are temptresses who want to cause your sons to fall into sin. You need to be sure to remind them often so that you can ~~keep your sons from acting like animals~~ protect your sons.

And now – thank God – you have a good excuse to select who your sons are friends with. You can also have awkward family dinners during which you remind them that ~~masturbation is a sin~~ ~~teenage girls are sluts~~ they should probably not see a female-bodied person in her nightgown until they are married.

I know you’re concerned that these girls’ parents would be disappointed if they knew their daughters were causing your poor, defenseless sons to ~~get hard~~ think impure things when looking at them on the Internet. Obviously, you know that once a boy sees a girl in a state of undress, he turns from a respectable, nice kid into a raging, hormonal beast. You don’t want your sons to only think of girls in this “sexual” way, do you?

Of course not.

You’re also probably aware that girls don’t fantasize about boys’ bodies, so you’re free to put as many objectifying pictures of them up on your blog as you like. No worries–you won’t be causing any teenage girls to lust. That’s because girls don’t really have any sexual feelings unless they are a)married or b)they weren’t properly guarding their hearts. Naturally, they never masturbate or look at naked men on the Internet. And they’re not ever lesbians, either.

Good thing you’ve resolved not to give any of these teen temptresses a second chance to corrupt your innocent little men. I’m sure you’ve also installed nanny software and have a firewall so good no one could ever hack it. You’ve probably made sure that your sons’ friends have these things too. Don’t forget that awkward conversation you had with all their dads to find out if any of them had a stray magazine or several that you needed to confiscate before you allowed your sons into their homes.

I know that sounds harsh and old-school, but that’s just the way needs to be if you want to raise your sons right. Blocking, banning, and shaming is so much more effective than merely having open conversations about how your sons treat women. Remind yourself that you are raising men, while their female counterparts are mere girls. That way, you can convince yourself that your sons are mature enough to make adult decisions while these girls are not–and apparently don’t have any parents to help them learn and grow the way you’re helping your sons. Their parents will probably be grateful that you implied their daughters are tramps anyway.

Meanwhile, you should have in mind the kind of women you want your sons to marry. Your gag reflex probably prevents you from realizing that they may be gay, which is why you need to imagine them with women. It’s not creepy and weird at all that you are making these plans for them when they’re only halfway through high school. It’s never too early to control your children’s future adulthood. Besides, there’s no chance whatsoever that your sons will go behind your backs and date or have sex or whatever. And did I mention that these “men of integrity” are totally not ever, ever masturbating? Oh, I did? Well, I said it again.

Moms, it’s not too late! If you think you’ve made a mistake in raising your sons (we all do – don’t fret – I’ve made some doozies), RUN to your boys’ social media pages and block every single one of their girl friends. There are pictures of them that make it easy for your sons to imagine them naked, including that lovely senior portrait. After all, girls don’t even need to be in a state of partial undress to tempt boys to lust after them–all it takes is their mere existence.

Will you trust me? Your boys are crying out for you to teach them that girls are the cause of all their adolescent hormone surges as well as any other behaviors they may exhibit. Deep down, they are uncontrollable cavemen who cannot possibly learn how to respect and love women unless you protect them from the grasps of those alluring young things. (And also, they are NOT gay, so you probably don’t need to worry about protecting them from other boys.)

You are raising MEN.

Teach them guilt, sexism, and blame.

I’m glad could have this talk. Maybe we’ll talk again sometime about how we can raise our girls into women who feel ashamed of their bodies.

Mrs. Mitchell

Training ground

Discipline

*Isabelle et Gaston d’Orléans avec leur fils Pierre d’Alcantara*
Karl Ernst Papf [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

I wasn’t going to post about this. I’m long past the stage of parenting little ones, and I had in mind to write about something else today. I couldn’t hold back, though, especially after seeing this over at Naked Pastor. It’s an excellent visual representation of what I think of the lousy belief that small children are sinful and manipulative.

Remember the online battle some weeks ago over teaching our children that they are “deeply broken”? This is just a continuation of the same mentality. It’s all part of the unhealthy teaching that we are born sinful and that there is nothing good in us apart from what God puts there when we believe. What a disgusting view of humanity! The worst part is that it’s not even “biblical.”

Sure, one could find some justification from a particular unnuanced reading of the New Testament. It’s not what it says, though. When God made people, God called us good–just like everything else God created. The view that we are born bad and are in need of constant reminder is a gross misrepresentation of God’s view of us.

A huge part of why this angers me so much is that I have kids who don’t always behave in predictable ways. I want to be as far from any of those teachings as possible. Recently, I had a run-in with someone who tried to explain away my daughter’s behavior as being caused by being homeschooled–she apparently hasn’t been in enough social situations or hasn’t had to “discipline” herself to behave properly. It was all I could do not to just let the woman have it.

It turned out that the problem was that something she was doing in a group setting at the beginning of the day was triggering her sensory issues.

I can’t imagine how it would have gone if I’d listened and decided this was a matter of needing to dig out her underlying “sin.” Instead, I removed her from the activity in which she wasn’t participating and spent a good twenty minutes processing with her why she was struggling. I was reminded that it’s these very situations that have pushed me to continue homeschooling her; I have no idea how she would manage all her sensory needs for a six hour day in a classroom.

Not all very young children have the same struggles as my children. They do, however, have one thing in common: They aren’t old enough to know how to handle situations like adults. They may not be old enough to speak the words about their frustrations. They certainly aren’t old enough to think through and identify what bothers them. That’s why they need us–not to help them learn about their “sin” but to help them learn as they grow how to manage and express their feelings in healthy ways. That means that they require the freedom to express themselves without being afraid of their own emotions or of adults’ reactions to their emotions.

Don’t misunderstand me–it’s not necessarily the method of parenting or disciplining that’s bad. I’ve seen very loving parents do things vastly differently. It’s the underlying motivation that isn’t right. If you begin parenting with the basic assumption that your children were “born bad” or are “deeply broken” or have underlying “sin” causing their behavior; if you believe that babies learn to “manipulate” their parents by crying; if you think the healthiest thing you can do for your children is to break their wills or bend them to yours, then you are sorely mistaken about the aims of parenthood.

The goal of raising children isn’t to weed out all their sins so that they grow up to be mistake-free adults. That assumes there’s such a thing as perfect people and that through parenting we can create them. That’s a lie, and a damaging one at that. By trying to shape children into perfect beings, we teach them that there is a state of sinlessness that they can achieve while simultaneously promoting the idea that they will never, ever reach that goal. That’s a recipe for a lot of shame and guilt.

As I type this, my children are collecting their belongings for a trip out of town. I know I can trust them to pack what they need not because I’ve taught them not to “sin” by disobeying my directions but because they are experienced travelers who have learned over time how to pack. Most of the skills they have come from watching their dad and me, from talking it through, and from making their own mistakes and learning. That doesn’t just apply to filling a suitcase; it’s in other things, too.

Do we get frustrated with them? Of course. I don’t always handle my anger very well, and I make all sorts of other mistakes as a parent. I’m learning how to be a mom just like my kids are learning how to navigate their world. What’s important is that we’re doing it together, without the layers of shame attached to their behavior.

I’m off for vacation tomorrow, and I’ll be gone for a week of unplugged bliss. I’ll catch you all after the new school year starts!

6 reasons not to waste your money…

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