Odds 'n' Ends

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For the last two days, I’ve been struggling to find something to write about. The weird thing is, I don’t feel burned out or stressed, the typical causes of writing failure. I just . . . don’t have anything to say right now. Go on, you can make fun of me for that–especially if you know me offline.

I suppose part of it is that I’m working on some fiction and I’m pouring my energy into that project, which I’m currently having beta-read. I’m excited about what I’m writing, and I’m enjoying the process. (Nope, not going to tell you yet–I’d like to get the whole thing done and beta’d. I may post it as a serial on my fiction blog.) I only have so many hours in the day, since I also need to work on editing projects and homeschool my daughter and drive the kids around to their activities.

Another part is just a function of not having much to say. I’ve spent years deconstructing a shaky faith built on a legalistic version of Christianity. I’m now in process of reconstruction. I was at church the other night and I mentioned to a couple of people there that coming into a church that doesn’t teach salvation based on receiving Christ as personal savior has been alien to me–in a good way. Being in a place where the emphasis is on “God is awesome!” rather than “You are unworthy!” has been refreshing. To an extent, I still don’t fully trust church as an institution. I’m still guarded when it comes to participation in church activities. But I’m healing, and that’s what matters to me.

The third piece is that I think I’m softening on some things and learning as I go. When I left legalistic Christianity, I temporarily exchanged it for legalistic feminism. That’s not healthy. I discovered that feminism can be just as much a belief system, in a sense, as religion. I needed to distance myself from people claiming to speak for me and from terminology (which I’ve used and now regret) that I view as harmful. No matter how many times women tell me that they have the right to be angry, I can’t see how “kill all men” is helpful in any way. I’m not talking about “being nice” in hopes of getting people in our corner; I’m talking about how anger can be expressed without that kind of hyperbole. I don’t feel pressure to conform to someone else’s feminism any more than I feel pressure to conform to someone else’s Christianity.

I’m still figuring out how to write from this place. It’s where I started–the gap between my faith and my experiences of the world. Now I need to learn to write from the gap between my feminism and my experiences of the world. It’s the place in which I don’t want to hurt other women, but in which I need to protect my own spirit as well. I learned that being angry all the time made me self-righteous and burned me out to the point that I had to block people on social media because they were indirectly causing my anxiety to peak.

Anyway, I’m sorry about the crickets in here. I know that if I’m patient with myself and allow for the time I need, I’ll be able to write in here again. For now, I’m going to work on other projects while I enjoy the beautiful sunshine streaming in my windows. Whatever today brings for you, may you find your small ray of hope in it.

New school year, new leaf

Odds 'n' Ends, Writing

By Ktsquare from Canada (Autumn canadian maple in Ontario Canada, own work) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons. I picked it because I like maple trees, I like red leaves, and I like Canada.

An hour ago, I sent my big kid off to his first day of fifth grade. As I type this, my newly-minted third-grader is playing brain games on the computer, gearing up to start school at home. She’s already had her first dance class of the season (big brother’s is today). In less than a week, Girl Scouts and piano lessons begin, followed by music lessons and band practice. I’m already two weeks into orchestra rehearsals. Yes, I can tell it’s a new school year.

Which brings me to my blog post for today. I had in mind how I was going to roll this week. Today is my first official day back on the job–blogging, editing, and keeping up with life in general. That was blown out of the water when I posted yesterday and nearly 17,000 people viewed, shared, and commented on my post. I honestly wasn’t expecting that. I am in awe, and I want to say thank you to everyone who was part of that. I even received several personal messages and emails. You, readers, amaze me in all the best ways.

There’s no way to follow that up with anything nearly so brilliant–at least, not immediately. Stay tuned, though, because I might say something awesome and snarky and intelligent at any moment. I’m stealthy that way. I’m sure I learned that from having kids and from having to tuck that part away for so long in conservative religious circles.

Anyway, the big thing I’m doing is cleaning things up a bit. Not here–I plan to be my regular old self on my blog. I want to be more authentic, though, and to do that, I’ve needed to clean up my social media. Over my vacation, I discovered that a big source of my distress whenever going on social sites (Twitter in particular) was my fear that I was going to say something and piss off the Royal Gatekeepers of Activism. I’m not honestly sure what I thought they could do to me, other than possibly make me cry (they’ve done that to others) or gossip about me (yep, done that too). I couldn’t place what it was, though, that kept me trying to fit in there.

And then it hit me.

I grew up with a parent who had unpredictable mood swings. I have always been drawn to unpredictable people and situations, because it feels familiar. On vacation, I learned that such vacillation isn’t actually normal. Huh. Go figure, right? So I’ve now excised the scary, unpredictable people from my life. I stood up for myself. I pushed back on another blog.

It felt great.

My next order of business is going to be to message several people who I’ve hurt deeply in my quest to stay on the good side of the Pretentious Activist Brigade. I don’t actually expect forgiveness, but I hope for reconciliation and a future of mutual respect. Caring for people who I’ve personally hurt is a lot more important than trying not to offend total strangers on the Internet.

I hope all my lovely new followers will stick with me. In case you’re new and didn’t know, I like to shred the Fifty Shades series on Mondays (once a week is all I can handle of that trash). I link to my favorite posts of the week on Fridays, and I try not to link to already-thriving blogs (unless I know the blogger; I do enjoy posting my favorite Naked Pastor cartoons, particularly since I consider David a friend). If you are a blogger, feel free to shoot me an email or a comment with your blog link and tell me which post you’re most proud of this week. Similarly, if you’ve read something you liked, let me know so I can read it too and link up. Between Monday and Friday, it’s a hodge-podge, but I mostly post about issues of gender, sexuality, and faith.

Anyway, thanks to everyone for making yesterday so fabulous. Now, go make it fabulous for each other!

Notable News: Week of August 17-23, 2013

Cool Stuff, Links, Odds 'n' Ends

Here we are at the close of another week. It’s been a busy one for me, with my volunteer work at the kids’ last summer camp of the season. I can’t believe that school is just around the corner for us. Two weeks from today, my kids will be finishing their first week of classes. The summer has flown by. Meanwhile, I’m trying some new things in my life outside of blogging. I’m looking forward to new challenges and opportunities.

This week, there have been some great posts. Here are some of my favorites:

1. Religious privilege

This is a great summary of the privileges enjoyed (often unawares) by most Christians (other than those considered too “fringe”). Because I still identify as Christian (even if I don’t always know how to define that, even for myself), I have definitely experienced many of the things on the list. Although I’ve done well as an ally to people of other faiths in some ways, there are places where I can improve.

2. Love and Marriage

This story from Lana Hobbs is incredibly moving. I’m not posting it here in order to “prove” to anyone that courtship works. I’m posting it because so often lately, I read black-and-white pronouncements without any sense of the varied experiences of real people. Lana’s story is one of hope in which despite her feelings about the process, she and her husband value and affirm each other. There is rich beauty in that.

3. Leaps of Faith

I wish erinrebecca a blessed, hopeful journey this weekend in coming out to her parents. I don’t have any special words of wisdom or deep, meaningful prayers to offer. All I have to give is support from one writer to another, a thin line of Internet hope, and an affirmation of God’s love and mercy. Grace and peace be with you as you go.

4. Jesus’ Gag Reflex

One of many fine responses to the gag-reflex-worthy poo fest that was Thabiti Anyabwile’s dreadful Gospel Coalition article.

5. More Gag Reflexes

And, of course, this one. A friend of mine made a similar comment about his gag reflex for het sex. Gee, thanks, guys–you’ve cleared things up for me. Now I know I’m the one sinning because I’ve tripped your gag reflex!

6. Misogyny of the Week

I honestly find purity, modesty, and “courtship” culture kind of trips my gag reflex. I’m glad my parents didn’t encourage any of this. I’m also glad I married a man who even thought it was weird to ask my parents for permission to marry me. After reading this dreadful post, I’m currently glad I will never have reason to allow this man to counsel either of my children. I’m still laughing about how he calls this post “PG-13.”

7. Virgin Sacrifice

I’m glad I wasn’t drinking hot coffee when I read this. Also, I misread “virgins” as “vaginas,” to which my brain helpfully supplied, “That too.”

8. Christian Music

Apparently they meant “Grew Up A Christian Music Fan After 1992,” as I didn’t relate to most of this. But I was a Christian music fan in the late 80s-early 90s, and I was one of those die-hards who refused to listen to secular music. Other than the Billy Joel I used to sneak in. And whatever my sisters happened to be listening to. And U2 after they weren’t Christian anymore. And Metallica. And REM. And…oh. Never mind.

Have a great weekend, everyone! See you on Monday.

Eight

Odds 'n' Ends, Parenting

My apologies for skipping out on my Fifty Shades post yesterday. It was a busy day, and I didn’t have the chance to do much other than hold things together. I’ll do my best to have one for next week.

Meanwhile, today my amazing daughter celebrates her eighth birthday. As I type this, she’s enjoying a gift from her aunts–a large box that once held a portable air conditioner. Honestly, I sometimes think I shouldn’t bother buying my kids anything. I could just call around to stores and ask if they have any boxes they’re throwing away. I assumed kids outgrew the stage where the packaging was more interesting than the toy; apparently not. Today alone the box has been a monster storage unit, a rocket, a car, a tunnel, and (folded flat) a bridge. Her brother and cousin have taken off to play something else; she’s bringing her little plastic animals inside the box and setting up a complex world.

Eight is an interesting age. She’s still young enough to enjoy her toys, but sometimes, she seems surprisingly grown up. She has an impressive vocabulary for a girl her age. Yesterday, I was reading to the kids. We came across the word “propitious”–definitely not a word one finds in most stories for third graders. She asked what it meant then said, “Wait. I think I know. I’ll bet it means ‘right.'” She’s pretty close, actually, and that is more or less how the word was used in the context of the story. The best part is that she’ll probably start looking for ways to use the word.

She’s always been that way. She talked early and often. I have to admit, I was happy her first word was “mama.” Her big brother had at least five words before he said it! After that, it was obvious she was going to be just like me–a talker. She has something to say about everything. She also has a pretty good grasp on sarcasm. I don’t know whether to be pleased or not that she has my sensibilities (okay, I am pleased). I think the way she speaks is one of my favorite things about her; she and I can sit down and talk in a way I really can’t with her brother, even though he’s older. That’s not to say he and I don’t talk–it’s just very different.

It’s been a long road parenting kids with such intense personalities. I used to watch friends who had these quiet, gentle kids or easygoing kids or mostly obedient kids and think maybe I’d done something wrong. How come mine didn’t act like that? Was it some mistake of mothering I’d made early on? It’s not, though. These are the people they were meant to be. That just happens to be a little noisier, a little more stubborn, and a little more passionate. I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

Happy birthday to my wonderful girl–the world is wide open to you, sweetie.

Fly to who you are
Climb upon your star
You believe you’ll find your wings
Fly to Your Heart*

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*”Fly to Your Heart,” Selena Gomez. And I’m not ashamed to admit I love that song.

Double Digits

Odds 'n' Ends, Parenting, Writing

Today, I’m finding my joy. It’s my big kid’s 10th birthday, and he’s one of the three people I love most in this world. This post is in celebration of both his special day and my 10th anniversary of motherhood. I’m linking up with other bloggers for this week’s Creative Buzz Hop, which, coincidentally, is in its 10th week. If you’d like to participate, follow the link and add your voice.

It’s hard to believe that eleven years ago, I wasn’t sure if I would be a mother by biological means. At just about exactly this time of year, we were waiting to see if the first stage of treatment for primary infertility would be effective. I don’t want to give the specifics, because those are intimate, precious details that only my husband and I need to know. Just understand that it was a difficult time.

I was in transition in other ways, too. I was about to become an auntie for the first time, and I had just started a new job. Because of the uncertainty, I had decided to begin my master’s program. I worked for the college while studying full time. It was also just a little more than a year after my own mother’s death. I suppose that’s one of the things that was most painful for me–she would never meet any of her future grandchildren (if there were any).

Just a few months later, my husband and I sat down to make a plan. Two doctors had told us that we would not conceive by natural means. We consulted a specialist who confirmed their assessments. I had already seen the toll that ongoing treatments took, both financially and emotionally, and I wanted no part of that. I was committed to giving it the six treatments allotted by our insurance and then moving on.

Less than a month after our consultation, there were two blue lines.

I should have known. At work, I was sleepy and irritable all week. I cried when my sandwich wasn’t the kind I wanted. The smell of bread made me feel sick. I just thought I was feeling stressed, and I chalked my food sensitivities up to being premenstrual (I always have mild stomach upset).

I don’t have any good explanation for why we suddenly were able to create this new life. Some people say it was God or prayer or faith. Some people say the doctors were just wrong. Some people say that “these things just happen.” I honestly don’t know, and I don’t care. The how is far less important than the what.

Today, my amazing son is ten years old. He has informed us that he’s not a preteen or a tween; he’s a “pretween” for one more year. He says later he may blog about being ten. We took him out to breakfast at McDonald’s so he could eat an Egg McMuffin and collect the Monopoly game piece. As I type this, he’s watching Minecraft videos on YouTube.

There is so much to celebrate from the last ten years, from his first tooth to his first step to his first dance recital to his first school concert. This Sunday, he and I will enjoy another first: our first time playing a duet in church. I couldn’t be more proud and happy and blessed to be his mom.

Later, we’ll go have some fun together as a family. Maybe there will be cake (or possibly cookies; he has a thing for yummy soft cookies). This weekend, we’ll get together with family and friends to celebrate both his and his sister’s birthdays (hers is next week; I’ll write about her then). Through all that, I’m going to celebrate my joy at having had ten wonderful years with my amazing son.

Thanks, kiddo, for teaching me how to be your mom.

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If you like, you can visit his blog over at The Electric Kid.

Notable News: Week of July 27-August 2, 2013

Cool Stuff, Links, News, Odds 'n' Ends

Better late than never, right? Blogging’s been hit or miss this summer, as sometimes happens when both kids and my husband are on school vacation. Today, we kept ourselves busy by sending my car to the shop (possibly for the last time; we’ll see) and hanging out at the children’s museum. Anyway, here I am to bring you my favorite posts from the week.

1. Being used

If you haven’t seen this piece on being “used by God,” you may not have been on the Internet this week. It’s been passed around by just about everyone. I’m sharing it here in case you missed it.

2. Being used (part 2)

Here’s a cartoon by the always-wonderful David Hayward in response. I particularly like this quote (and also the non-use of gendered pronouns for God):

Pushing that to its logical limits, the glory of God is God, and when we are our truest selves, fully alive, this is God in all God’s glory. There is now no separation. There is perfect oneness. There is perfect unity.

3. Being abused

This is a wonderful post over at Deeper Story by Susannah Paul. We are failing to listen to those who have been deeply wounded and spiritually abused by churches. I wish I had just a penny for the number of times someone has said they are reluctant to return to church because of the pain and some well-meaning person has said, “You just need to find the right church.” A small part of me curls up and dies every single time. We can do better.

4. Being owned

If you haven’t been following Sarah Moon’s You Are Not Your Own series, you should go do that right now. I mean it. Stop reading this post and just go do it. If you just want to read the most recent one, that’s cool, because it’s an excellent one about unmarried women and “ownership.” I am thankful my parents never took this approach with me.

5. Being a dancer

A friend sent me the link to this post about boys and dancing. As the mom of a boy who dances, I always appreciate hearing from other parents who are proud of their kids and don’t limit them based on gender expectations. What does make me sad is that nearly all of the ones about boys and breaking stereotypes are by women. If anyone wants to comment here and link to posts by dads of boys who do things society considers “feminine,” that would be welcome.

6. Being an adoptee/adoptive parent

A fresh perspective on the “But people want your unborn baby!” from a mom with two adopted daughters.

7. Being body confident

Like many women, I’ve had a lifelong struggle to love my body exactly as it is. I’m doing my best not to pass those feelings on to my own daughter. Body-shaming must end. (I could write a whole post on this, but I also think health-shaming and exercise-shaming and food-shaming need to end.) Here are some wise words about how we can break the cycle.

8. Being a douchebag

My online friend and fellow writer Tim Gallen has some great advice for those looking to increase their douchebaggery. My favorite line involves a sexually frustrated large mammal. This is a guest post for Kim Ulmanis, who is honest and funny and just plain good; you should check out the rest of her blog while you’re over there.

9. Being a douchebag (part 2)

And speaking of douches, why am I not surprised that Hugo Schwyzer is at it again? Why is this guy continually given a platform? I think Dianna Anderson answers that question to an extent in her fantastic take-down of the culture that encourages people like Schwyzer to behave the way they do.

10. Being a writer

There’s so much advice out there on how to be a “proper” writer. Honestly, it’s easier to explain how to do it wrong than to do it right, as evidenced in this very funny piece by Chuck Wendig. How many of these are you doing?

11. Being a woman

Several of my friends posted this hilarious ad. I shared it on Facebook, but it definitely deserves a second round. If only that kid had been available when I hit puberty.

12. Being a geek

I love this video of Wil Wheaton delivering a message for a convention attendee’s newborn daughter. I admit to having had a teensy (okay, huge) crush on him when I was in 8th grade. Although I no longer sigh like a teenage girl when I see him, I do keep finding new reasons to think he’s just plain awesome.

13. Being a geek (part 2)

That video above is particularly important, because far too many girls grow up into women who have to defend our geekiness. I’m glad I’m raising a boy who thinks that girls who know their video games are the most fun and a girl who knows it’s okay to be completely absorbed in your chosen geekdom. Watch this video for more totally awesome geeks who just happen to be girls and women. Also, Wil Wheaton.

14. Being from Rochester

My own city gets some love at HuffPo with an article on our fantastic street art. I’ve never been more proud of my wonderful city!

That’s it for this week. I should be around a bit more in the coming weeks (I hope). If nothing else, check in on Monday for the first post on Fifty Shades Darker. I would say you don’t want to miss it, but this is Fifty Shades we’re talking about.

Have a great weekend!

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Notable News: Week of August 17-23, 2013

Eight

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Notable News: Week of July 27-August 2, 2013

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