You know that awkward moment when you’re talking about your kids’ extracurricular activities and you tell someone your son takes dance class? Well, okay, maybe you don’t. That’s my awkward moment. It still gets my dander up, even though I’ve been at it for six years now.
Because my son helped his dad out delivering the announcements at church on Sunday, I had more than the usual number of compliments coming my way about what a great kid he is. (I agree that my kids are fabulous, but that’s beside the point.) Mostly, people were telling me that they loved how confident he was up on stage. I explained that dance has made him comfortable performing. Most people didn’t react to the revelation that he’s a dancer; probably most of them know already. But I did get a few odd comments and some raised eyebrows.
I usually sort of feel people out. If I sense I’m talking to someone who won’t get it, I try to emphasize the more gender-neutral aspects of dance. Otherwise, I’m happy to tell anyone who will listen what my kid can do. I failed in my mission, however, and freely confessed my son’s love of dance. That was a mistake.
This obsession with keeping boys away from dance class not only does them a disservice but it shows people’s general ignorance about dance. We’ve never once had the parents of Jack’s dance classmates question why he’s there. I suppose that’s because they all recognize that dance (even ballet) isn’t about cute little girls in sparkly tutus and pink slippers. There is skill, artistry, and athleticism involved. The other parents and Jack’s teachers all understand this; other people, not so much.
Really, though, I’m not sure what people are so afraid of. Even the “understanding” ones seem to have their limit. In another context, I mentioned to one friend that at the end of class, one of Jack’s teachers had given them pictures from a dance calendar. Jack chose two that featured men. My friend was uncomfortable with this. Would she have been happier if he’d chosen pictures of women? Because I see it as being a problem for her either way. I don’t think it would have mattered what he chose, although she seemed especially bothered by the fact that he chose pictures of male dancers.
I sense that this is all part of this bizarre subculture among Christians who think that gay people are recruiting our sons and daughters (yes, I actually heard that one this week, too). Which makes me wonder, who do they think is recruiting my son through dance? For the last six years, he has had nothing but female classmates and teachers. I mean, it’s true that there are men at his new studio, so maybe I have to watch out? After all, one of my gay friends takes classes there. As I don’t know whether he actively reads this blog, perhaps I should drop him an email. I will be sure to let him know that in about 5 years when Jack hits puberty, he will expect to see his recruitment letter.
Guess what? I’m not concerned enough to make my kid drop dance, or limit his options to hip hop and tap. He’s having fun, he’s staying fit, and he could potentially get a scholarship out of the deal in another 8 years. That’s three kinds of awesome in my book. For now, I’m going to encourage Jack to pour his heart into whatever kind of dance he likes. I’m not worried about failing to make him masculine enough.
But hey, if Jack does sign up for Team Gay, I hope he gets a toaster with membership. Or at least a sequined toaster cover.
______________________________
I can’t take credit for the toaster thing. It was something my cousin said on Facebook. I loved it, though, so I used it here.
I really want to get my oldest involved with dance. I think it’s an exercise he would love – unlike the baseball and soccer that has been foisted on him. (which he hates) Meeting resistance though, it makes me so sad for my little guy. Advice?
I guess any advice I have depends on who is resisting. 🙂
We knew from the time Jack was a toddler that he just needed to move to the music. He used to watch Fantasia (1940 version) and “conduct” the music. He started classes at age 3, but a kid can start at any age. I think my husband was a little hesitant at first, but seeing how much Jack loved it convinced him it was the perfect thing.
When other people are obnoxious, I often just talk about how much he likes it. Having people see the effect on his confidence is definitely a plus.
I hope that you’re able to find the right fit for your little guy. I’m a bit biased, but I love having kids who dance. I think it’s made them well-rounded–interested in creative arts, physically active, confident on stage and in front of crowds, etc.
It’s the dad, yes. Unfortunately my husband and son both have a background of loving to dance, however my husband grew up in a culture where people just dance more in their spare time, at family gatherings, etc. I’m not sure he realizes how living in another culture may be depriving his son of an important outlet and we need to seek that out in other ways…
Well, in that case, I recommend seeing if you can find someplace that already has either a class for boys or a class that has boys in it. Go to one of the recitals. Dance recitals aren’t boring. I’ve gone to friends’ recitals, and I always enjoy it. It helps to be able to see the sorts of things the dancers can do. This is especially true with styles like tap, jazz, hip hop, etc. My son has also taken a recreational Irish dance class, which was a lot of fun.
It sounds like the culture your husband grew up in allowed for dancing as a natural way for people to enjoy themselves, but is now in a culture in which dance would have to be more “formalized.” Or am I reading that wrong?
Honey, if it turns out he’s on Team Gay, I’ll make sure he gets a sequined toaster cover myself.
Why wouldn’t he want to choose photos of the male dancers?? Choosing positive male role models who do the things he likes to do… what the heck’s wrong with that?? Just smile at the awkwardness and say, “bless your heart, hon.” It’s better then choking the naysayers in the church foyer.
As to the benefits of dance– yes, it is about the artistry and athleticism and all that. But sometimes, it’s okay for it to be about the pink slippers and glittery costumes, too. Growing up, my parents used to give me crap for doing embroidery work with my Gram (she was a rock-star quilter!). I remember my Aunt coming to my defense with all sorts of intellectual benefits, and even talked about some professional football player she knew of who did cross stitch on the plane. I appreciated her effort, but really, I was just doing what I enjoyed doing. Why should we have to justify that, just because some see it as too effeminate for a boy?
Yeah, I got the impression this person was thinking “male dancers” meant “strippers,” or some variation on that theme. But I don’t know that she’d have been pleased if he’d said he wanted pretty ballerinas, either. (This particular calendar had neither of those things).
I don’t object to boys or girls doing things that might be considered non-gender-conforming. I couldn’t care less if Jack wanted a sparkly pink tutu. I think what I object to is the idea that dance is like toy ads, which often show little girls dressed up in play tutus drinking tea with their teddy bears. It’s a horrible stereotype for both boys and girls–for boys, that it’s not ok to engage in pretend play unless it’s pretend military play, for girls that dance is *no more than* dress-up play. You know, the idea that every girl just wants to look cute and sparkly. Sometimes, dance costumes (for both boys and girls) are cute and sparkly. But dance itself is more than that. It involves training and skill, even for non-competitive dancers. The pretty costumes are just a side benefit!
I never justify Jack dancing by pointing out virile, manly dancers or telling people that it will help him when he plays football one day. He likes it, and that’s all there is to it.
And I’m totally holding you to that offer for the sequined toaster cover. 🙂
Hey, Baryshnikov snagged Jessica Lange, so I say let your boy’s feet fly!
I think Jack may have already figured out that being the only boy in class is to his advantage.
Plus, the good news is, he wins no matter what. If he’s gay, then I hope his huge confidence helps him love the person he is and live the life he has to the full. If not, then he will make some woman really happy, because he will have grown up knowing how to be a good friend to and advocate for women. If he’s not at the end points of the scale, then he gets to do both. 🙂
Dance, Jack, dance! Who cares what anyone else thinks.
Thankfully, Jack doesn’t care at all. He loves both “regular” dance in his classes and dancing before the Lord at church. He’s such a free spirit.
Amy, LOVED your blog! Jack did an amazing job on stage Sunday and he is adorable. Let me tell you from experience that it is important for your son to do things he loves and is good at. Where do you think his talent and ambition and love of dance comes from? It is a gift from God who made Jack to be exactly the way he is. It is so sad that people actually think that a boy who dances or chooses pictures of men may turn out to be gay. If your son is gay, he is gay and whether he dances or plays football that isn’t going to change anything. And gay men certainly do not “recruit” boys. I used to tell people that a gay man cannot make you gay any more than a black man can make you black. You either are or you aren’t and if you aren’t, being a dancer won’t “make” you gay. And if you are, the sooner you realize it and embrace it, the happier you will be. I absolutely hate it when people try to “un” gay their sons. That is so damaging to the child. How much better off they would be if they were accepted and loved unconditionally, just like God accepts and loves all of us. My son told me he was gay when he was 16. I knew when he was 4. He is 24 now. So when he told me all I could do was hug him and love him and let him know that I accept him and love him and he never has to hide anything from me and that I will always be a safe person for him to go to. That is a parent’s job. That’s what God would do. My son and I have an incredibly close and open relationship that I will always treasure. I am so proud of him and all he has accomplished., He is a great singer and dancer and actor and is very comfortable on stage also. He is very loving and caring and sensitive and thoughtful and hard working. And he is happy because he is being himself. Wouldn’t we all be happy if we could just be ourselves and never pretend or try to be something we were never wired to be? I didn’t mean to turn this into a comment about gay sons but you really touched my heart by your blog and I just had to chime in with my own experience. Congratulations on having such an amazing son! He is a gift to you from God.
Oh my goodness, thank you so much for your wonderful response. I wish that more people shared your positive, loving attitude. Amazing.
I occasionally do wonder, about both my kids (not because of the dancing). But I think, at least for now, that what they’re expressing is openness and tolerance. We know more than an average number of gay/bi people, and I think the kids reflect that as simply part of human experience–it’s not alien to them. I have no idea what lies ahead, and I’m good with that.
Anyway, I appreciate your kind words.
Wow–what great comments!
I know, it’s awesome! 🙂
Both my sons dance!! Tell AverageChildhood to tell her kids dad that ALL Football players have to take Ballet. And I mean the professional kind of Football players. I was in Dance classes with my colleges Football team too. So maybe he should let his son get a head start.
LOL! Yeah, I remember my mom telling me that pro ball players took ballet. So really, kids who start out in dance have an advantage–they’ve already learned grace, balance, and coordination!
I actually wonder how much of the ‘tude about dancing dudes is more related to whether or not a person “gets” fine arts in general. My impression is that people who really love music, painting, performance, etc. are a lot more understanding than people who don’t.
Amy, you’re brilliant.
But don’t hold your breath for a toaster or cover… at least, I never got one!
Thank you, and the Living God, for your mind and your spirit of love. You’re a breath of fresh air that’s very much needed in this area!
What, no toaster? I’m so sorry. 😀
No problem. I hope that my own kids learn to embrace who they are and welcome everyone–not in spite of their faith, but because of it.