50 Shades of Mommy

Warnings: The Fifty Shades series is extremely sexually explicit and involves BDSM. Because of that, and because they are not exactly well-researched or high-quality literature, I will mention things such as abuse, rape, rape culture, male dominance, sexism, relationship violence, and consensual BDSM. Also, the books began as Twilight fanfic, so I will be mentioning Twilight (which is a major squick for a lot of people just by itself).  This post contains mention of sexual abuse, assault, and rape, which may be triggering for some people.

We’ve arrived (so to speak) at chapter 10, In Which We Meet Christian Grey’s Mother and Learn All About His Issues.  First, let me just say that my husband’s mother would absolutely never even consider showing up at our door unannounced.  Aside from the fact that my in-laws live nearly 400 miles away, it’s just not something that would cross her mind.  If there were a dire emergency, she would call.  Failing that, she might come see us; but if we were otherwise engaged (ahem) there is no way she would be rude enough to interrupt.

That said, I think there are women who do that sort of thing, especially if their sons are a bit too attached or unwilling to just tell them to shove off.  It’s perfectly fine that Ms. James sets Christian’s mother up as a privileged bitch.  The problem is, she doesn’t continue with that.  One would think that a woman so unconcerned with the fact that she’s showed up when her son is “entertaining” company would be fairly unlikable.  Yet somehow, Perfect Ana already has Mrs. Pretentious Name wrapped around her little finger in less than the time it took Christian to tie Ana up two pages ago.  (Side note: where the hell was Taylor while Ana and Christian were getting it on for most of two chapters?  Inquiring minds want to know.)

Personally, I also thought it was a bit weird that Christian’s mother sounded surprised? incredulous? that he had a Special Guest staying over.  Several pages later, we learn that his mother thinks he’s gay.  There’s something that vaguely bothers me about those two facts put together.  It reminds me a lot of all the people I know who intellectually understand that gay people exist, but don’t really have a concept of what that exactly means.  Surely Christian’s highly educated mother has a better grasp than that?  Maybe we just haven’t seen enough of her at this point to make sense of this weirdness yet.  Anyway, it’s a moot point, because Christian’s not gay, just extremely kinky, and he gives Mommy a nice surprise that she’s caught him with a woman.

During the whole bizarre exchange, we never quite figure out why Christian’s mother was so insistent on seeing him (other than wanting to have lunch with him; apparently she has no access to telephones to call him to find out whether he’s free).  She leaves, Ana talks to Kate, and Christian gives Ana the Contract for Abusive Kinky Sex to look over.  We learn that Ana lives in the Dark Ages and has no access (on a college campus?) to a computer or the Internet.

We also find out why Christian is such a messed up guy—or his version of the story, anyway.

Apparently, when Christian was young enough that it was illegal, his mother’s friend made him her submissive.  First of all, what kind of sick woman does that?  Second, the way Ms. James writes it, it plays out like a hormone-addled teenage fantasy.  It is apparently every adolescent male’s wet dream come true to have a hot older woman make him her sex slave.  Maybe this is just the way Christian has processed the abuse he suffered, but I think Ms. James is buying into the fetishizing of sex abuse.  If it had been reversed, i.e. Ana molested by her father’s best friend, we would be recoiling in horror.  There would be a lot more angst on her part and probably a good deal more about the fact that it constitutes rape of, at minimum, the statutory variety.  But since it’s a woman making it with an underage boy, it has the undertones of hot sex and “breaking him in.”  (If it had been a man having sex with the underage Christian, we surely would have seen how that “turned him” gay, though we also would have viewed the adult man much more negatively.  Apparently, all youthful sexual activity for men shapes them into experienced adults, but it ruins girls for life.)

I get it.  We’re supposed to make the connection to why Christian is so screwed up as an adult.  Maybe we’re even supposed to see that he’s in denial that he was violated.  But just once I’d like to read a story that didn’t sexualize that situation and then play it up for an erotica later on.  I know some men who were assaulted by older women; trust me, they aren’t pretending that it was the relationship standard they hold all others to.  I won’t deny that there are adolescents (both boys and girls) who fantasize about getting it on with teachers and such.  But responsible adults don’t follow through with that, on the understanding that a fifteen-year-old is not an adult and that usually there is an imbalance of power in the relationship to start with.

Just like I believe it’s important to put a stop both to the sexualization of women and the sexual oppression of women, I believe it’s time we put a stop to the unhealthy view of men that says they are at the mercy of their gonads from puberty onward.  Men, too, have been reduced to little other than their dangly bits by a society that encourages boys to believe that they can’t or don’t need to control their lust-fueled actions.  Similarly, the wider culture views the sexual assault of men to be virtually impossible, thereby turning predatory older women into the stuff of fantasy.  This is exactly why boys are less likely to seek help.

As people of faith, we need to make sure that we do not in any way feed into this unhealthy notion.  I think we need to start with acknowledging that adolescents have sexual feelings and that it is a normal and healthy part of growing up—rather than insisting that those feelings are unacceptable and must be suppressed until the “proper” time and place.  We also need to do exactly what the Bible tells us to do over and over: make sure we are caring for our most vulnerable people.  Children and teens who have been sexually violated are among the people who require our care and love.  We need to make it very clear that we will not tolerate adults preying on children of any age, regardless of whether the perpetrator believes that the victim “wanted” it.

Just one more thing: If this is you; if you are among those people who have been or are being hurt by the adults in your life, please know that you are not alone.  There are people you can talk to.  You can message me here if you just need someone to listen (all messages go straight to private email and do not appear on the site).  If someone is telling you (the way Christian tells Ana, or his mother’s friend told him) that your relationship must be secret, that’s a lie and it’s abuse.  Please find someone you trust, ask for help, and let that person care for you.  You don’t have to do this by yourself.