Disclaimer: I have my son’s permission to post this. He read the entire thing first and agreed I could publish it.
I wasn’t going to say anything. I was going to let it go. Except, well, I can’t. I have a tendency to overthink and dwell on things, but I tried for a while to put it out of my mind. Only I think this needs to be said, so listen up.
If my twelve-year-old were on Facebook, he could list his status as “in a relationship,” which is one of two things which sparked this post. The other was a comic by Assigned Male about the ways in which we enforce heterosexuality on children from a young age. While I’m bothered by that on its own, it also deeply troubles me that we speculate about romantic relationships between three-year-old children at all. It also bothers me that adults are discussing a middle schooler’s relationships and that anyone feels free to dissect his current one to look for meaning.
Which brings me to now. You, people who are speculating on my child’s past, current, and/or future relationships, are basing your assumptions on stereotypes and a handful of things he’s given me permission to post publicly. You may also be projecting your former self onto my child. I swear I’m going to let the next person have it who says “I was that age once.” Yeah, I know you were, but if you think it’s going to endear me to you or change anything about the way I parent when you tell me how negatively you treated potential partners, you are mistaken.
I get it that some of you didn’t have a great experience at his age. And I respect that if you don’t have kids yourself, and all you have are news stories featuring the tragic end to bullying, you may not realize how different it is from when we were young. Trust me, you don’t need to worry that he’s hiding his true nature and pretending to go along with what he thinks society expects. I have a child who has taken ballet and painted his nails and worn the occasional skirt and grown his hair out longish (until he was told to cut it for the school play). What part of himself do you honestly think he’s hiding?
Here’s the thing. If you don’t live in my household, you are not part of the day-to-day relationship I have with my kid. You don’t hear the conversations we have. I also don’t share them publicly, so you’re not informed about what we discuss in private. Which means that when my kid says something about himself, it’s not your job to question him or suggest he doesn’t really know himself or any other version of implying you know something he and I do not. Are you a person who has lived with him his whole life? No? Then back the fuck off, please and thank you.
If you are an adult pondering my child’s developing sexual and relational identities, there is something wrong with that. Why is it so important for you to be able to pin down what you think you know about him? He’s been dealing with this bullshit since he was old enough to talk—everything from telling him (at age five!) that he’ll be a heartbreaker to making comments on his mannerisms and self-expression to telling him he’s “confused.”
(We deal with the same crap with our other child, by the way, but she prefers I not blog about her. Out of respect, I’m keeping the conversation focused on the kid who doesn’t mind.)
Listen. I don’t believe for a millisecond that most of you in the “what is he” crowd really care about him or have his best interest in mind. Because if any of you did, you would recognize that it is, in fact, none of your damn business. Do not in the same breath tell me what an “awesome” job of parenting I’m doing and then turn around and fail to trust that my kid and I have this worked out. If you truly thought he was at risk of…something (I honestly don’t know what), then sure, I could understand your borderline concern trolling. But if you think his dad and I are doing all right as parents, then why on God’s green earth would you think it’s all right to question how he is expressing his identity?
Currently, my kid has the seventh grade version of a “relationship.” Do you know what this means? It means he emails her and they hug goodbye after the one class they share. It does not mean he’s using her as a cover for his “real” identity. It does not mean she’s his one and only forever and ever amen. It does not mean anything in particular except that they are twelve and trying on being a bit more grown up. That’s literally all. So whatever my kid says is true of himself is true regardless of this one particular girl.
If you are tempted to suggest he’s “still figuring things out,” you’re partially right. One hundred percent of twelve-year-olds are “figuring things out” in lots of ways. That’s what twelve is! But if you mean to suggest he doesn’t know himself or that he’s too young and will eventually change his mind, then kindly don’t. Of course it’s possible he will see himself differently at another stage of his life; that’s true for any of us. But what’s most important is that this is how he sees himself right now. His information is trustworthy regardless of his age.
Admire my kid for how he bravely stands up for others. Appreciate his skill on stage, whether it’s as a dancer, an actor, or a musician. Laugh with him at his misadventures, about which he has a great sense of humor. But don’t place him in the context of his future adult relationships. Let him be twelve.
Sharing everywhere….brilliant
Aw, thanks! 🙂
I have no idea what is going on but I appreciate your speaking out. Change is inevitable in life. There is no way to avoid it. We go through stages of development. Unfortunately, most people think you have to have it all together at nine months of age.
Shalom aleichem,
Patricia
A lot of people have thought my son is gay because he’s into theater and dance and isn’t super rough-and-tumble. He started “going out” with this girl at school (they’re just calling each other boyfriend/girlfriend, and all they ever do is email and say hi in the halls). It broke people’s brains, LOL. A lot of people were surprised. It bothered me because I don’t really think it’s adults’ job to guess at who kids will grow up to be. My kids are both really wonderful people, and that’s all anyone needs to know about them.
Bravo. Very well said.
Thank you! 🙂
I happen to know your kids and like them very much, regardless of who they date or their preferences in life. They’re just great, smart, funny, and well mannered kids. Happen to think their parents are pretty cool too.
Aw, thanks! 😀 I’m glad our kids will have the chance to be at school together.
This is about your son, whom I know? What the what??? WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?
J, just get along with ya bad self, and to hell with anyone else.
Yep, he’s the one. Though after he read this, I’m pretty sure this cements his view that adults are pretty weird. Good thing he has his group of friends. 🙂
I don’t personally know your son, but I know mine and I think, based on some of my own experiences, that I get where you are coming from here… and I see it as a bit heartbreaking (not just my own, but my son’s) each time these types of discussions come up and the pressure and the way little bits die when someone who IS still trying to figure himself out (aren’t we all? Still?!) gets squeezed by social expectations to fit someone else’s little box of imperfect memory of being imperfect…
Thing is, I suspect those people who say things like “You’re doing a wonderful job” mean it in the WORST possible way… I think they’re playing the pity game (at least, when I hear that from someone, that’s how it comes across to me…); when I hear it I think they’re saying “OMG, you and your husband must be so worried about your son and how he’s turning out! I know how it is, honey, we parents try so hard and then our kids get screwed up anyway.” That sort of condescending crap…
At least that’s how that sort of thing feels to me. Hopefully your experience is less negative, Amy. You have a brave son (and like a very brave daughter in different ways) it seems to me. Thank him for me (and thank you) for saying this
Yes, I do find that there are a number of people who use “you’re doing a wonderful job” that way. They’re sure I’m somehow making the best of it, having to always monitor and control what my kids are doing so they *don’t* screw it up. They don’t seem to realize that I don’t see this as a failure of any kind. I raised a kid who is open-minded enough to consider a wide range of possibilities for his future. I also raised a kid who is kind and gentle enough to get a very sweet girl to notice him and want to spend time with him. I have a boy who knows the way to tell a girl he likes her is to…tell her. Not pull her braids or snap her bra or pester her till she gives in. I have a kid who thinks it’s plenty to get a side-hug after class and an email after school, and who knows that it’s ok to ask for a hug and also ok if she says “not today.” I have a kid who understands he has the right to say “not today” as well.
The rest of the pearl-clutchers are people who sincerely believe my kid is trying to “hide” something by going out with a girl. As one friend put it, they must not know me very well if they think he would hide it from me! Not to mention, there may be some bullies at his school, but it is truly one of the safest places I know for a kid to be. The staff have gone out of their way to cultivate an atmosphere of respect and acceptance. There’s no reason for him to hide/pretend.
I truly admire you, your son, and your family for expressing what is true for so many parents. Thank you!!
I loved reading this. I don’t know why people make such a big deal out of the tiniest things that don’t apply to them. Its all because of fear in my opinion. I myself when I was twelve (this was 6 years ago mind you) was dating a girl (we literally just went to the park for 2 months straight) and now I am 18 and I am openly, and happily, bisexual. My mother is okay with it because she said, and I quote, “It doesn’t matter who you like. What you like. Or anything of the sort. You are still my son and and nothing can change that. So you ma’am (or sir) are an excellent parent and people need to learn from you!
That’s awesome! I agree, a lot of it is driven by fear. Plus, some people’s brains get cramps if they try to think outside gay/straight, LOL. I’m glad that your mom is cool about it. Keep on being true to yourself! 🙂