I thought about sharing this individually on my social media and decided that was too much work. But it’s only Wednesday, and I’m already tired. I need to say a thing before my head explodes. Third time in two days that my identity has been erased, shamed, and/or co-opted for someone else’s gain.
Here’s a piece of advice for non-queer/allosexual-alloromantic-cisgender-heterosexual* authors: If you’re going to write about us queer folk, then it is YOUR JOB to learn how to be an ally to all of us.
I don’t care if you are super passionate about writing hot sex between two cisgender dudes. If you are not an ally to the entire community, you have no goddamn business making money off telling our stories.
Yes, queer folk have a responsibility to be allies to each other. Maybe we even need to make extra effort as insiders. But that’s an issue of us calling each other in and taking care of our own.
No one is expecting you to include the entire QUILTBAG in your next book or any future things you write. You know what we do expect, though? That you take some care to:
- get people’s gender and pronouns right
- not erase their sexuality based on who they’re married to/partnered with/having sex with
- understand our lived experiences and have some empathy
Like, these are not difficult asks here. They’re basic common courtesy you all ought to be doing anyway, but doubly so if you plan to write stories with us as main characters.
It feels really, really terrible to have your identity erased because someone made at-a-glance assumptions. And it feels even worse to be told that someone not queer needs “safe space” or “feels uncomfortable” in a community of queer folks. You know where you can find that? WITH OTHER NOT-QUEER PEOPLE, all over the goddamn world. If you’re choosing to involve yourself with our interests, expect us to be part of that.
And for god’s sake, stop telling our coming out stories until you have a very firm grasp on what that means to us and how it feels (or possibly never at all). Please. You cannot compare hiding the fact that you write smut from your grandma to a teenager being kicked out of the house for being queer. Or to a spouse beating you because they find out you’re bi. Or to being fired from your job because a coworker publicly outed you to your boss. You will NEVER stay up late praying and crying and wondering what’s going to happen when you’ve finally decided that you cannot live a lie anymore but you know your whole world is about to change.
You, non-queer/allosexual-alloromantic-cisgender-heterosexual people, are “writing the other” no matter how many novels you’ve published or how many books you’ve sold or how many years you’ve been at it. I won’t tell you not to write about us, but for fuck’s sake, examine your own privilege and try to understand where we’re coming from.
*Allosexual: experiencing primary attraction; i.e., not asexual
Alloromantic: experiencing primary romantic (vs. sexual) attraction; i.e., not aromantic
Cisgender: not transgender
Heterosexual: You probably know this one
I’d add alloromantic to the list of non queer, but great article.
Edited the post to reflect that, thank you! <3