Arts

Because I can’t think of something else to write

By Timothy Takemoto from Yamaguchi, Japan (Sex is Dangerous 3 Uploaded by Fæ) [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons — Condom traffic light–this made me giggle.

It’s Wednesday, and I’m fresh out of the drive to write anything deeper than a backyard kiddie pool. So on this fine, sunny morning (at least, it’s sunny where I am), you shall be treated to my random musings on writing. Warning: I’m going to talk about smut a little.*

Last night, I was on Facebook chat with two authors with whom I’m privileged to work as a proofreader–let’s call them Author A and Author B. They’re writing a novel together, and they’ve asked me to do the proofreading on this one, too. I’m honored. As I’ve gotten to know these fine women and their writing styles, I’ve grown to enjoy our working relationship immensely. One of the perks of that is being able to laugh together. And one of the things we like to laugh about is their merciless teasing about my . . . what should I call it? I think “condom kink” will do.

I’m not entirely sure how it started, actually. (My kink, not the teasing.) I think possibly sometime last fall when I was working on my NaNoWriMo novel. I popped in at the erotica message board to ask about writing effectively when it comes to condom use. (Before you all ask, no, I don’t typically write erotica; I just figured those people were the “experts” on the subject, and I was writing a sex scene.) Not surprisingly, I got a couple dozen replies, and they were all over the map. The vast majority (almost exclusively women) said they prefer just a passing mention; many felt it to be irresponsible not to talk about it at least briefly. Several women said they dislike condoms in real life and in fiction. The men (yes, people, men write erotica too) nearly all supported the idea of condom use as appealing and said, “Heck, yeah, you can make it sexy.” (Weird, right? How often are we told that men hate those damn things?)

Fast-forward to my present life as a proofreader. I jokingly made a comment in the margin of Author B’s Word document praising her for mentioning a condom. That one little comment has sparked a running gag–and I couldn’t be more delighted. I mean, what better way to talk about this stuff?

See, here’s the thing. I keep hearing from my sister feminists that we’re all in charge of our vaginas and what goes in them or comes out of them. We’re supposed to be responsible for our desire to have or not have the children we want. I absolutely agree, and I support legislation that will help us to do that. But my big question is, who’s responsible for the penis? Because it sure as heck ain’t me.

As a long-time married woman who trusts that I’m the only person with whom my husband is having sex, I don’t worry about these things. I’ve got my uterus under control, thanks. But what if we weren’t monogamous? You had better believe that 1) we would NOT be having condom-free sex and 2) I would do everything in my power to make that condom damn sexy. That right there is me being in charge of what goes in my vagina. Any man who’s worth having sex with would be ready and willing to keep both himself and his partner from getting sick.

So you know what? I’m happy to take the teasing–I know it’s all in fun. I’m also willing (though slightly more reluctant) to admit my kink. But I stand by what I write, and unless it’s an intentional part of the plot, you won’t ever find me writing a non-monogamous couple sans condom. (Actually, you probably won’t find anything terribly graphic, either, but that’s a story for another day.)

Happy Wednesday, y’all. Don’t forget your raincoats. *wink*

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*Cue my more conservative friends: “But…but…you’re a Christian! How can you write smut?!” Me: *huge eye roll*

50 Shades of Traumatic Bonding

Books

Warnings: The Fifty Shades series is extremely sexually explicit and involves BDSM. Because of that, and because they are not exactly well-researched or high-quality literature, I will mention things such as abuse, rape, rape culture, male dominance, sexism, relationship violence, and consensual BDSM. Also, the books began as Twilight fanfic, so I will be mentioning Twilight (which is a major squick for a lot of people just by itself).

Traumatic bonding is

strong emotional ties that develop between two persons where one person intermittently harasses, beats, threatens, abuses, or intimidates the other. (Dutton & Painter, 1981).

I’m not sure yet*, so let’s see if Ana fits the criteria** by looking at the same chapter we were on last week.

1. There must be an imbalance of power, with one person more in control of key aspects of the relationship, such as setting themselves up as the “authority” through such things as controlling the finances, or making most of the relationship decisions, or using threats and intimidations, so the relationship has become lopsided.

“Don’t touch yourself. I want you frustrated. That’s what you do to me by not talking to me, by denying me what’s mine.”

“I will do it again, Anastasia, and soon,” he threatens quietly close to my ear…

Both comments follow Christian’s rape of Ana in his parents’ boathouse. Prior to this, he has demanded she drive the kind of car he wants; check messages constantly to see if he’s texted or emailed her; eat and exercise the way he demands; have little or no contact with friends he dislikes; and report to him everything she plans to do.

2. The abusive behavior is sporadic in nature. It is characterized by intermittent reinforcement, which means there is the alternating of highly intense positives (such as intense kindness or affection) and the negatives of the abusive behavior.

I’ve taken a punishment fuck but gained a small victory over the panties. [He returns her panties that he’s had in his pocket without her having to ask.]

Chapter after chapter, we read about how controlling he is and how she thinks she might need to get away from him–until he provides her with another mind-blowing orgasm or a few cuddles and she believes he is changing or she has achieved some “victory.”

3. The victim engages in denial of the abuse for emotional self- protection.

“Be careful, Ana–he’s so controlling,” [Kate] whispers.

I KNOW WHAT HE’S REALLY LIKE–YOU DON’T!–I scream at her in my head.

Along with every other time Ana pushes back at Kate when Kate says something negative about Christian.

4. The victim masks that the abuse is happening, may not have admitted it to anyone, not even themselves.

I’m fully aware that [Kate’s] actions come from a good place, but sometimes she just oversteps the mark, and right now so far that she’s into the neighboring state.

Ana’s waffling on what Christian does to her makes more sense if viewed as a failure to admit to herself that she’s being abused.

I am still baffled by anyone who reads this and thinks it’s at all romantic. I can see how someone who isn’t familiar with well-written smut might get off reading the sex. But I cannot fathom how anyone can believe that Ana and Christian should be together. I don’t care if he changes later in the books. There is plenty going on in the first one to indicate this is a Very Bad Idea.

I’ll leave you with one last quote from this chapter. Ana and Christian are driving home and having a somewhat awkward conversation. She explains that she wants to go see her mother alone so she can think about their relationship. When he asks, she confirms that she’s having second thoughts. He wants to know why. Her inner response:

Because I think I love you, and you just see me as a toy. Because I can’t touch you, because I’m too frightened to show you any affection in case you flinch or tell me off or worse–beat me? What can I say?

. . . I don’t want to lose him. In spite of all his demands, his need to control, his scary vices. I have never felt as alive as I do now . . . He’s so unpredictable, sexy, smart, and funny. But his moods…oh–and he wants to hurt me.

. . . This man, whom I once thought of as a hero . . . He’s not a hero, he’s a man with serious, deep emotional flaws, and he’s dragging me into the dark. Can I not guide him into the light?

______________________________________________________________________________________________________

*Yes, I am.

**These are taken from this post: Traumatic Bonding

50 Shades of saying NO

Books

Additional warning: This chapter contains a rape scene.

When we left Ana and Christian, he was carting her off to his parents’ boathouse so he could “spank and then fuck” her. Her reaction:

Oh no…this is not good, my subconscious is quaking at the knees. He’s mad about something–could be José, Georgia, no panties, biting my lip. Jeez, he’s easy to rile.

Aside from the lack of proper editing in that paragraph, there are so many things that disturb me here. What in the world would possess anyone to take off in the middle of a dinner party to get it on while the rest of the guests remain in place? It makes me feel really, really uncomfortable. I don’t want any guest in my home–even (or perhaps especially?) family–to take a sexy romp out in my shed during a visit.

We also get the requisite admonition from Ana’s subconscious. Just about every time she has sex with Christian, we get to hear her internal debate. She wants him, but he’s angry and menacing. He’s screwed up, but he belongs to her. Whatever. I’m just plain tired of Ana putting this track on repeat.

What follows, though, is quite possibly the most horrifying thing I’ve read in this book so far. You want to see how pervasive rape culture is? Here you go:

Christian: You said no.

Ana: What? [thinking] No to what?

Christian: At the dinner table, with your legs. [He was feeling her up during dinner.] . . . No one’s ever said no to me before. And it’s so—hot.

The word no—when used for what it means [NO; don’t do that; stop; I don’t like it]—should not ever, ever, ever be “hot.” You see how much emphasis I placed on that statement? Yeah. That.

I understand that in the context of some sexual relationships, the meaning of “no” can change; that’s the reason for safe words. When Ana said “no” at dinner, however, she actually meant “no.” She didn’t want Christian’s hands all over her in his parents’ dining room. Inexplicably, he found her act of setting a firm boundary arousing. Worse still is the fact that we are supposed to gloss over that part in order to get to more hot, kinky sex. Instead of Ana being frightened by this incredibly rapey comment, she is enthralled by his ubersexiness.

That’s disturbing.

What happens next is, in my opinion, actual rape. Ana never consents to what Christian does to her in this scene. She mentions being aroused by how hot Christian is, and she appears to enjoy the sex to an extent, but she doesn’t ever give any indication that what he’s doing is acceptable to her. She tells him she doesn’t want him to spank her (she uses the word “hit”) because they are at his parents’ place. So he tells her that if he can’t punish her that way, he’s going to have rough sex with her on the couch in the boathouse. He says it’s for his pleasure and not hers and tells her that she is not allowed to have an orgasm. He proceeds to do exactly what he’s said he will.

Without her permission.

And before someone gets all up in my face about this being a BDSM book, here’s a tip: Fuck right off. Even if you want to go with the whole contract thing (which she still hasn’t signed), there is no clause in there that says Christian can stick it in her because he feels like it, whether she wants it or not.

Folks, there are not two interpretations here. It’s pretty clear that he rapes her. It’s also clear that the author has intentionally written this to arouse readers, but doesn’t have the skill to pull it off correctly.* I am disgusted. I keep hearing about how Fifty Shades is empowering women to explore their sexuality because it’s being read far and wide and women are getting off on it. I would love to celebrate that, but I cannot find it in me to do so. I simply can’t condone the conflation of romance and rape.

It makes me particularly angry because my fellow feminists and I spend so much time talking and writing about what lies underneath rape culture. We fight this kind of thing every day. We rage against towns that cover up rape by athletes and news outlets that pity the perpetrators. We study the relationship between purity culture and rape. We fight institutionalized gender-based bias and power structures. We have worked too hard to have everything undermined by a woman who thinks it’s a good idea to outright state that getting turned on by rejection is okay and that rape is sexy.

Rape culture in action, people.

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*There are actually stories written (often by rape survivors) in which the authors toy with consent. The difference is usually that skillful writers understand that conceptually, rape is not arousing. There is an acknowledgement of the disturbing nature of enjoying rape or falling in love with one’s rapist. I typically find those stories as distasteful as Fifty Shades, but I understand that it can be cathartic for some people to write them. The main difference is that in those stories, readers are intended to find the characters’ actions troubling. E. L. James wants us to find the characters’ actions romantic.

Faith and art at the monster truck rally

Arts, Faith and Spirituality, Writing

Recently, the question of faith and art came up in my online writers’ group: How does your faith affect your writing? My first thought was, It doesn’t. Of course, that’s not strictly true. I write about faith here on this blog all the time. But when I think of Christian writing, what comes to mind is usually non-fiction books that explain different aspects of faithful practice or junk fiction like Left Behind and Amish romance novels. How could I explain what the intersection of faith and art are for me?

I’m not always sure that I’m writing about spiritual matters in the right manner. I frequently don’t write in an explicitly “Christian” way–or at least, not the way I think some Christians expect me to. I worry about the same things fellow writer Andrea Ward does:

I worry that my writing will not reflect God.
I worry about putting God in there artificially thereby making Him artificial and the story weaker.
I worry that writing about him will just make people tell me how wrong my theology is.

I often think my writing reflects God the same way monster trucks reflect safe driving tips.

Have you ever been to one of those monster truck rallies? You know, the kind where the trucks drive through mud and run up ramps and pretty much just cause chaos? My faith and my writing collide like a monster truck at a rally. Creativity is the truck, splattering the mud of my faith everywhere. Or perhaps it’s the other way around; it doesn’t really matter. What’s important is that it’s messy and random and sometimes only makes sense from the inside, but it’s exciting and intense and one heck of a ride.

My faith is what drives me to seek justice and equity for all people. When I write, it’s out of a deep need to put words to the feelings that bubble deep inside. I can’t separate the two. So when I take to my blog or I crank out a story, it’s infused with my sense of what-should-be. Because of my faith,

I write about the ways the church has failed to exhibit “love your neighbor”
I plead for open minds and open hearts
I seek to write stories that don’t reinforce tired stereotypes and tropes
I ask others to do the same

I no longer worry that I need to mention Jesus every couple of sentences as a reminder that I’m technically a Christian writer. I don’t expound on Bible texts, and I don’t often have fictional characters go through a moment of Christian salvation. I work harder to explain the domestic abuse in Fifty Shades than I do to condemn the premarital sex. Where my faith and my art collide, that is the space in which I find justice, peace, and wholeness.

How does your art reflect your spirituality?

50 Shades of Dinner

Books

Subtitle: When Ana meets Christian’s parents.

Of course, several chapters ago, Ana already met Christian’s mother. Remember the time they were just coming up for air and she showed up at his apartment? And he acted like a 16-year-old caught in the act up in his bedroom, even though he’s nearly 30 and his mother would probably not be shocked to learn her baby boy has sex? Yeah. Well, now Ana gets to meet his parents in a somewhat more appropriate context. I mean, other than the fact that she goes to their house without any panties on.

Yep. In the last chapter, Christian kept them after divesting her of them in the Red Room of Pain. Instead of asking for them back, she decides not to wear them…to dinner at his parents’ house. Now, I don’t really have a major problem with the no-panties thing. When wearing certain outfits, it does actually make sense. But Ana spends several pages making a big deal out of it. Can someone say, “I needed to meet a word count”?

When Ana arrives at the Greys’ mansion, we get to meet ~~Alice~~ Mia for the first time. I admit to enjoying the original Twilight books. I can acknowledge their problems, and I won’t minimize them. They were a fun read, though, and I particularly liked Alice. But here’s the thing: Alice’s mannerisms worked for her in Twilight; they do not work for Mia in Fifty Shades.

For one thing, Bella was a teenager, and Alice was supposed to be acting like one. Ana is not a teenager, and Mia (who is supposedly Ana’s age) is not behaving like a young adult. I find it hard to believe that two women in their early twenties who have just met for the first time would continue to hold hands as they tour the premises. And Mia’s enthusiasm is just a bit over-the-top. Again, this fit Alice’s character perfectly in Twilight. On Mia, it just looks creepy.

Once everyone is settled down for pre-dinner drinks, we get another look at Ana the World’s Worst Friend. First, Ana manages to seem scandalized by Kate’s happiness that Elliot will be joining her in Barbados. Seriously, Ana? You spent your afternoon being whacked in the privates with a riding crop, then chose to attend family dinner without underwear, and you are chiding Kate for not showing some “dignity”? Let the woman be happy, for Pete’s sake!

Following that, Ana lets it slip that she’s planning a trip to Georgia for a few days. This was the first Christian heard of it, and he’s upset. Now, I actually think that in a normal relationship, that might be reasonable. If you’re in a relationship with someone, you’d think telling them your travel plans wouldn’t be a big deal. Informing your significant other that you’re flying across the country for an unspecified amount of time is kind of important. And doing it while having dinner for the first time at your partner’s house is in poor taste. However, Ana and Christian do not have a normal relationship. I can easily see why she wouldn’t have wanted to tell him sooner.

Anyway, Kate makes it clear to Christian that Ana has the right to go visit her mother and have some time away. Because Ana is ever so grateful to be defended by the wonderful best friend she gushes about whenever the woman isn’t actually around, Ana thinks,

Why is she so antagonistic towards him? What is her problem?

Yeah, Kate, what’s your problem? It’s not as though you see Ana cry nearly every time she’s been with him. It’s not like you’re worried about the way he stalks her. So you should probably just shut up and go enjoy Barbados with your hot new honey. (For the record, Ana’s behavior is not uncommon for people in abusive relationships. Many people go out of their way to defend their partners, accusing others of being interfering, self-righteous, and just plain wrong. I’ve been in Kate’s shoes before. In fact, even leaving the abusive relationship doesn’t always clear that up. Some people continue to defend their abusers long after they have left, including telling friends that the abuser “changed” from prince to beast or that their friends just “didn’t know” the abuser. But Fifty Shades isn’t supposed to be about domestic violence; it’s supposed to be a “love story.”)

The dinner is awkward and full of really strange conversations. These include Ana basically asking Christian if he’s going to spank her for planning a trip to Georgia behind his back, Kate bringing up José to make Christian jealous, and Christian threatening Ana for seeing José. Meanwhile, Ana is eying the Greys’ staff with suspicion because the maid is ogling Christian. Later, Dr. Grey waxes self-righteous about vaccinations. And we, the readers, have to suffer through this along with everyone else.

Once again, we have Ana waffling about her relationship with Christian. She gets territorial and defensive about the maid, but then she thinks she might stay in Georgia to avoid returning and signing the contract. Five seconds later, she’s gushing about how he’s “fifty shades of fucked up, but he’s mine.”

Believe it or not, I think the worst dinner table moment is when Mia is talking about Paris and starts randomly speaking in French. Christian notices and speaks French back to her, which causes the entire table to burst into ~~flames~~ laughter–not because the weird French thing is so funny, but because Mia finds it funny and her laugh is “infectious.” There are no words.

I’ll leave it there for now, but before I go, one last thing. If you are a writer, please learn that words mean things. So do phrases. The thesaurus is not a writer’s best friend. Please do not just open it up to find synonyms for common words, because chances are, you will use a word wrong. This is not just using big words where smaller ones will do (though that abounds in Fifty Shades); it’s about knowing the subtleties of the language well enough to use the right word in the right context. Case in point: Ms James, in situ is not an appropriate phrase to use to describe having a two-parent home. Now go watch an episode or two of Word Girl.

50 Shades of Bore-gasm

Books

Additional warning: Today’s topic is orgasms. Turn back now if you don’t like discussing them.

I wasn’t sure what I was going to write for today’s post. The second half of chapter 18 is, for me, a snooze-fest. After Ana actually eats her lunch, she and Christian proceed to have pages and pages of unimaginative sex. It’s not particularly intense in terms of BDSM, and it’s not especially well-written (gee, what a surprise). In short, it’s exactly the sort of BDSM that most fan fiction writers use unless they have a pretty deep understanding of the subject matter. It’s written to titillate using familiar characters; that’s all. The chapter wasn’t a literary high point.

Since the worst of the chapter is in the first half, I was curious about what other bloggers had to say. I wondered if they had the same feelings about it that I did. Sure enough, both Dave over at 50 Shades of Dave and writer Jen Armintrout seem to have had the same sense. Both have written witty, snarky posts about the Red Room of Pain scene, but this part of the book seems mercifully light on the theme of “Christian is an abusive bastard.”

Jen did raise a good point, though. Midway through the scene, after Christian has induced Ana’s first orgasm with a riding crop and is now having standing intercourse with her, Ana thinks (just before her second orgasm),

I feel the build up again. Jeeze no… not again… I don’t think my body will with-stand another earth-shattering moment. But I have no choice… and with an inevitability that’s becoming familiar, I let go and come again…

And then again, a few minutes later, when Christian is giving it to her from behind (yes, I chose that wording intentionally), Ana thinks,

…I can feel a gathering deep inside me. Oh no… and for the first time, I fear my orgasm… if I come…

Who the hell thinks these things in the throes of passion? For real, Ana, most sexually active women would love to have the orgasmic power you do. Not sure why you think it’s something to “fear.” Regarding this scene, Jen writes,

I think Ana might be the only person alive who doesn’t like orgasms. Seriously? “Jeez no… not again…?”…I wonder if this is some symptom of our messed up culture, we can show the heroine of an erotic novel having orgasms, just so long as they’re portrayed as mildly unpleasant? I suppose only dirty, dirty sluts…enjoy multiple orgasms.

And right there, I see a huge problem with this chapter. Jen is absolutely right. For one thing, this is one of the problems I have with porn. In porn, because it’s intended largely for a male audience, it’s the male orgasm (in particular, ejaculation) that is of the greatest importance. It is of little market value for women to orgasm on film. At the same time, the female orgasm is largely misunderstood, including how female sexual pleasure functions. (For a fantastic film on the subject, I recommend watching Orgasm, Inc. If you have Netflix streaming, you can find it there.)

Before someone gets up in my face (and my blog comments) about this, I am not suggesting that all women everywhere are either failing to enjoy sex or fearing their orgasms. But I do see this as a cultural failure. Overall, the messages sent to us by media–which are reflected in Fifty Shades–are typically one or more of the following:

Women can, and should, have multiple or successive orgasms which they achieve in uncommon ways (e.g., being whipped in the clitoris with a riding crop or being penetrated from behind without clitoral stimulation) or with uncommon speed
If women are not achieving orgasms in this way, they are sexually dysfunctional
If women are achieving orgasms this way, they should be afraid of experiencing such intense pleasure

Guaranteed, someone is going to private message me (because who wants to discuss their orgasms in the comments section?) to tell me that none of this applies to them. They get happy from ordinary missionary-position sex and nothing else or they can climax in under two minutes or they just love orgasms and have never seen what the big deal is. I’m glad for you, but please know you are very unusual. Also, I don’t really care to read graphic descriptions of your personal sex experiences, so please do not email them to me. And really, really do not email them to me if you are a man describing your sexual partner’s experiences. That would be creepy.

Back to the topic. Unlike the domestic violence in Fifty Shades, for which I do blame Ms. James (she should have known better), I do not blame her for repeating the cultural messages about sex. They are so deeply ingrained that we often don’t even notice them. If it hadn’t been for Jen’s blog, my brain would have skipped right over Ana’s distraught musings about her climaxes.

Over time, I’m learning to see these things and I have come to realize that this is one significant way in which the church has dropped the ball when it comes to sexuality. There are so many truly screwed up messages about sex, beyond the church dichotomy of single = bad, married = good. Churches would do very well to address some of the deeper problems; in so doing, there would be an increase in the overall sexual-spiritual health of congregants. It would be a huge service to people of faith to understand why so much of porn is problematic, for example, rather than just labeling it “bad.” Even merely saying that it objectifies people isn’t enough–we deserve to know more specifics. We also need to have several important conversations about consent and what it looks like, including within an established relationship. We need to understand the various ways in which domestic violence manifests and how those things are interrelated (like Christian’s use of sex to manipulate and abuse Ana).

To sum up, I think this chapter of the book–like the rest of it–was crap. But this time, I’ll give Ms. James a pass. If she ever writes another book, though, I expect her to do some thorough research so she can avoid perpetuating these disturbing cultural norms.

Because I can’t think of something else to write

50 Shades of Traumatic Bonding

50 Shades of saying NO

Faith and art at the monster truck rally

50 Shades of Dinner

50 Shades of Bore-gasm

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